You make me feel (insert feeling here)

Over the course of several relationships my similar behavior could make each of the women I was with feel differently. The reason is because their previous experiences will have helped determine who they are before your interaction and therefore determine how they will feel about your behavior in reference to their previous experiences. Regardless though you will have made them feel something and you will be responsible on some level every time. This is how people grow and learn about themselves and others. If a certain behavior is making a person feel bad because of a previous experience then your behavior isn't necessarily negative or even the catalyst for their feeling that way but if you care about that person you will stop that behavior because you don't want to be responsible for making them feel that way.

 

[video=youtube;iE-Okqna4sQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iE-Okqna4sQ[/video]

 

As much as I would like to agree with you as I feel the same way we both know that is not entirely true.

AA

 

Imo these questions are inextricably linked various sub textual factors like our internal definition of words your particular rhetorical presentation of the question, or my individual reaction to your rhetoric... Etc

As an example, consider a poll. It is well known that any number of apparently trivial choices can influence the result of the poll.

If i am married and have an affair with her best friend.... It is most likely that my wife will have feelings about that situation. I doubt she would be comforted to learn that she is responsible for her feelings. Otoh it would be more reasonable to suggest that she is responsible for some other feelings... Like objecting to the toilet seat being left up

If i say i have no responsibility for her feelings, does that mean i have no agency when i have an affair with her best friend? If i say i am not responsible, does that implicitly imply innocence, and transfer blame to the victim?

What does it mean to "make" someone feel an emotion. If i kick someone in the balls, are they responsible for their angry reaction? If i pull a gun, are you responsible for feeling threatened or apprehensive

And consider what is a feeling?. Is a feeling a rational choice, Do you consider the pro and con before you have a feeling? And, if not, in what sense are you responsible for feeling threatened when i pull a gun? Otoh, i might be reasonably expected to understand that when i pull a gun, it will elicit some response... So in that sense, i am more accountable for initiating a confrontation by pulling a gun

But, all that said
I have found it very useful to take more responsibility for my feelings, or at least my reaction to my feelings

 

Why not?

 

I completely agree.

 

I see the statement of "You make me feel" as blame/praise misplaced. I have a much softer view of praise as it is a positive but people are often perplexed by my nonchalant response to praise as I see praise as unnecessary when I do something good. But even if someone takes issue with my being a man with long hair, I have the choice in how I respond to such criticism. Not perhaps their criticism sets in motion my response but it is I who is ultimately responsible for how I perceive and react to the criticism. When I was young lad I had a fragile ego and such criticism could spoil my day, but none the less it was my immaturity that led to my needless sulking for the rest of the day. Now on the rare occasion that someone takes issue with my long hair I just blow them off or tell them to quit being shallow but either way it has very little impact upon me or my day.

I am not saying that we do not have an effect upon the lives of those around us, but to say that others control how we feel is IMO blame misplaced. I am responsible for me, and blaming you for how I feel would be silly... again, from my perspective.

 

If you knew a woman and were in good standing with her and made a genuine complement towards her and her response was "please stop, you are making me uncomfortable" was it really you who made her uncomfortable or was it something within her that negatively reacted to the compliment?

 

I agree but what you talk about is largely overt harm. What if paying someone a genuine compliment returned the reply of "please stop, you are making me uncomfortable"? Who would be responsible for the negative response?

 

Yes, i agree that there are a wide range of possible situations
In the example you gave
Who would be "responsible" if instead the reaction were: "thanks i appreciate the compliment"

 

Feelings are one thing and action, or reaction, is another.

As I said before we all have the personal responsibility to assess whether our feelings are based on realistic expectations. For instance I might feel huge disappointment at not winning the lottery, but I'm realistic enough to know that its an irrational feeling. On the other hand if I have a friend that has promised to pay back a loan within a certain amount of time and they fail, It may be perfectly justified for me to feel angry and betrayed. Everything depending on context of course.

Besides knowing whether our feelings are rational we have the responsibility to react in a reasonable manner. As a lottery loser my expression of disappointment should be brief. Spending all day in a depressed mood and being generally unfriendly would show a lack of personal responsibility, and maybe a loose grip on reality. As the victim of a deadbeat friend rethinking that friendship would be reasonable. Taking revenge in one way or another would not. (Everything depending on context of course.)

Its a matter of self control in how we handle our feelings. Most feeling have complex triggers, meaning they happen from a combination of things that most people are not completely aware of. Events trigger emotions in us. Placing the responsibility for them exclusively on either external or internal causes is misguided, its a bit of both.

My point is that for most people feelings just happen. They do not choose to feel one way or another, they just do. If they refuse to assess their own feelings or give in to emotional compulsions its a failure of personal responsibility. But having a feeling is never a failure.

Telling another person how they 'make' you feel can either be an expression of trust or an attempt to manipulate them, depending on the context.

 

It's always both. Your behavior, genuine or otherwise must be filtered through each persons perspective. Another woman may not feel uncomfortable by your genuine compliment towards her for various reasons. But in both instances you made the person feel something, based on your behavior and their perspective.

If a person you know is sad and you do something (because you genuinely care) to make them feel better like try to make them laugh and it instead makes them feel more sad it was both your behavior and their state of mind that made them feel more sad. Had you done nothing they would not have been able to feel more sad in that moment.

 

Either way, to the positive or negative we are responcible for how we feel. Some people seek positive reinforcement from others while some do not require the praise of others. From my perspective the comment of another can elicit a response yet how one feels about the comment is the sole domain of the one who the comment was aimed at.

If my wife were to make an uncharacteristically negitive comment towards me I would have a number of choices in how to respond. I could take it personally and lash out verbally in response, I could pout and give her the silent treatment, or I could understand that the comment says more about her than I and I would ask her what is going on... would she like to talk about it or does she need some space? Whichever way I choose to respond is 100% my responsibility as my feelings and how they effect me are my responsibility. Allowing others to control how I feel is a path to misery.

In an angry exchange it is easy to say things like "you make me so angry" which just adds fuel to the fire as opposed to saying "what is wrong, what can I do to help?"

 

From my perspective anger is a deadly poison and the longer one holds onto it the more damage it does. Because I realize this I see few if any reason to inflict such suffering upon myself as for me anger is a choice. Anger follows one not getting their way. Because of this I do not loan money as the loan comes with it the expectation of being paid back and I have found that in general people are great at accepting money but are not so good at giving back. Any money I give I do not expect to receive back.

This happened yesterday on the bus when a couple needed bus money and promised to pay me back. I gave them the money and thought it likely that I would never see them again, but later that day I did and they offered to pay me back. I refused the repayment as frankly it was a small sum and from my perspective they needed the money more than I thus I told them to save it for another day. Even if I had a lot more money any money I gave others I would not expect back although depending upon the person and the circumstance I may take the repayment.

What rational thought justifies anger? Perhaps we are different as my anger is never rational even if I feel it is justified. It's is like taking poison and expecting the other to suffer which is anything but rational from my perspective.

Once these triggers are identified one can make changes to mitigate their effect. Placing blame on others for how we feel is to continue to give the triggers control over us.

Perhaps the operative word is "most" as some people like me have given much thought to feelings, where they come from, and how to maximize the positive and minimize the negative.

 

Possibly the most damaging decision a person can make is to deny their own feelings.

 

Indeed, thus the importance of owning ones feelings rather than blaming others for how they feel.

 

Yes this is also something Stephen Covey mentioned in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It's quite a while back since I've read it but he tells a story of a nurse looking after a very rude old man. She was very unhappy and even more so when Stephen Covey told her she can choose how she feels when the old man verbally abuses her. Once the penny dropped she realised choosing meant not getting angry, not taking offence and not allowing him to change her into a sulking rude and unhappy person. Not allowing him to dictate how she feels.

The other thing I found great value in was his interpretation of where self esteem should come from, not possessions, money, or achievements etc but from being a good person. If your self esteem is based on all/any the other things you risk losing self esteem when you lose those things. Being a good person is a much stronger basis for self esteem. Great book.

 

Absolutely! I use to have that book but never read it, now I may have to. The ancient philosopher Seneca has some interesting views on mitigating anger. I believe what Seneca would argue is that once one understands that one only has control of self, and that the "very rude old man" will likely continue to be rude, that one has a choice to either continue to be unhappy while in the presence of the old man or to realize that said unhappiness helps nothing and choose to not let the cranky geezer get to them.

Again, awesome! The book is now on my must read list, thanks! Something I learned long ago was that basing my self-esteem in the material or how others perceive me is a path to misery as it makes me a slave to those things and people. To me, self-esteem needs to be based in ones own moral center, values, and accomplishments rather than the praise or criticism of others or how much stuff one has acquired.

 

Absolutely true.

Curious though, do people have any responsibility to consider the feelings of others?

 

Absolutely, yet I have no control over how others take what I say. For example I can be overtly verbally abusive to another with the expectation of a negative response but this does not insure a negative response. The same goes for making a kind comment with the expectation of a positive response does not insure a positive response. The recipient of the comment decides how to take the comments.

On thus very forum I have many times had another take my words in a way that I did not intend just as I have done the same with the words of others directed at me.

 

[video=youtube;dEWuAcMWDLY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEWuAcMWDLY[/video]

 

You are always in charge of your own feelings.

 

In my life I've had a lot of experience with emotionally closed off people. I agree with you about us all needing to take responsibility for our emotions, but to do that we have to acknowledge their existence. People who are convinced that an emotion is wrong often pretend it doesn't exist, which leads to all sorts of toxic behavior.

Accepting an emotion and then deciding rationally how to address it is healthy. Using an emotion as a justification for bad behavior is not, and I am in no way trying to prove it is.

But pretending an emotion doesn't exist often leads to anti social behavior and passive aggression. The person denying their emotion either attempts to get revenge by 'doing the same thing back', or they try to prove that their emotion is justified (oddly, because if directly asked they will not admit they feel it) by pointed sarcasm or even self destructive behavior.

Complete denial, not let out even through vindictiveness or passive aggression, can lead to complex stress disorders. Ranging from physiological ones like high blood pressure and ulcers, to various mental breakdowns. Some quite serious.

Most of the time when someone approaches me with, 'you make me feel (bad)', I experience a knee jerk defensive reaction and in turn feel resentful of them. But instead of using that feeling of resentment to justify lashing back out at them, I try to consider what they are saying from their point of view.