The Eastern minds say that suffering comes from desire and want. I find this to be true in the "the things you own end up owning you" Fight Club sense of things. I find myself bored, often finding no value in doing anything, yet there is this constant want of satisfaction and peace of mind. I thought companionship would solve all that, but it often feels like a temporary fix. I ask, has anyone found a way to truly remove desire and want, and was it a worthwhile venture ?
That's extremly interessant to read the stoician roman philosophers. Epictetus say : "Remember that you don't fear death, but your affraid by your perception of death". Frivolity weaken the mind, and the strength of restrain is its own reward. Capricious people will stay unhappy and dependant of their environnement because they will never have enough, they will always lack of something, at the opposite the stoician will learn to have is satisfaction from what depend of himself : his very own acts. One stoician philosophers said roughly : don't think you really "own" something, you loose your home because of fire ? Consider you gave it back to nature or destiny, you wife dies ? You gave her back to nature.
Is the destire to control, then, a bad trait ? I don't like that not everything is as I want it to be. I want to be making more, I'm unhappy in my relationship. I don't enjoy being single, but get bored in relationships. Where's the give ?
Stoicism don't encourage you to do nothing, at the opposite, it encourage you to never give up, to always act better. Stoicism encourage you to enjoy in action and virtue not in possessing things.
Expectations in your own mind are not a form of control. Expressing those expectations to your partner is. This is a complex subject. It is not some black and white paradigm. Let me give you a real life example. A fellow was married to a woman. They had two kids. Woman stayed home and took care of kids. Man did not want woman to work -believed woman's place was in home- and was happy. When kids got a bit older woman started to work at a bank. Man was not happy about this but, let it go. They would come home at relatively the same time. Woman then switched jobs and got into real estate. Being in real estate meant that she was working odd hours - at night and on weekends. Often when he was home she was not. Man started to question what she was doing. Started accusing her "what were you doing out all this time". This became a pattern. Man started to make up stories - and then accuse his wife of his made up fantasies when she got home. This is a common theme. Lack of control (when one desires too much control) leads to mistrust. No one likes to be accused of things they did not do... or even think to do. Over time that mistrust increases. The stories in the mind of the one with control issues get bigger. The one being accused getting upset at the accusations only fuels the mistrust in the mind of the accuser. Once again this is not a black vs white issue. When my wife starts to complain about some chore around the house not being done - being the good wife that she is this is normally because I have neglected this chore for way to long - .. my response (knowing that I should have done the chore) is "Yes Baby - your wish is my command" - and I do what needs be done. Do you see the reverse psychology here ? Is this a form of control on the basis of expectations ? Sure - but it does not involve a lack of trust and it is a form of control I am willing to accept. There are certain lines in the sand out there. When is the desire to control another ... too much, when are expectations unreasonable ? I will leave it here because, as you can see this is a deep and lengthy topic.
Its not the want, it’s the expectation in the fulfillment of the want. What you may have expected wasn’t there when you received fulfillment of what you though it ought to satisfy. If your expectation is incorrect then disappointment shall prevail also, contentment is key. Its also ok to be content. one could be content to compete if you will, but contentment is a major part of peace of mind and wellbeing. In a capitalist culture one can be caught up in the rat race of want. The employed masses must want to feed the system of commerce. In the statement of King David, the Lord is my Shepard I shall not want, its simple to see he was content, and at peace with, to follow the Lord and receive accordingly even though he dealt with warriors and battle all the time and had anything in his kingdom at hand. Hence want is not intrinsically evil, but what one’s expectations are in the fulfillment of can prove false. Someone wants a job so they can eat, and stay warm and dry, isn’t an evil thing, because the fulfillment thereof can satisfy an honest need.
How much do you guys think women leaving the home and drastically changing centuries long, natural gender roles has effected our desire for want and control ? The West is no longer where straight men thrive, emotionally.
