Tasteless Humor

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
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I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

 

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
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“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

 

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
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But no one would do it.

 

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

 

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son to his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

 

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him.
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So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

 

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
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They both are thinking “****! Mom is gonna kill me!”

 

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
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Then they call me ugly and poor

 

I’m starting to wish my grass was emo.
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Why? So it would cut itself

 

Religious ****

Taoism **** happens.
Buddhism If **** happens, it's not really ****.
Islam If **** happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism **** happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism Why does this **** always happen to us?
Hinduism This **** happened before.
Catholicism **** happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna **** happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism Send more ****.
Atheism No ****.
Jehova's Witness Knock knock, **** happens.
Hedonism There's nothing like a good **** happening.
Christian Science **** happens in your mind.
Agnosticism Maybe **** happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this ****.
Existentialism What is **** anyway?
Stoicism This **** doesn't bother me.

 

Oh haha.

 

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

 

I rode to the off license yesterday on my pushbike, I bought a bottle of vodka and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break. To avoid that, I drank some of the vodka, at least if I fell off, all the vodka wouldn't be wasted. Then I fell off, luckily the bottle didn't break, so thought better drink the rest.
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It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike another seven times before I got home.

 

I have no objection to people being spontaneous.
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I just think there is a time and a place for it.

 

Went to see the psychologist . She asked “Do any sounds irritate you?” “Real or imaginary?” I inquired. “Let’s go with imaginary” She said curiously. “A spider wearing flip flops” I said.

 

Wearing electronic components on their feet!

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flip-flop_(electronics)

 

We used to call contactor's/relays with NO and NC contacts flip flops which I use extensively in my CNC machine.