Tasteless Humor

Shouldn't hell have walls to keep miscreants in? Are they suggesting that heaven has a wall to keep residents in? After all we build walls around prisons to keep prisoners in not keep others from sneaking in.

 

My wife accused me of always twisting conversations for my own benefit.
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"Yes please, love," I said. "Milk and two sugars."

 

I'm calling Nonnie Supreme court from now on!
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Because he's Ruthless

 

Times are hard, my mate Dave is a dwarf and he's struggling to put food on the table.

 

I rubbed a lamp last week and the genie said, "Would you like a long penis or a long memory".
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I forget my response.

 

Hillary Clinton could be the first f- President.
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I was going to say female but someone deleted the "emale".

 

If my jokes offend -

1) I'm sorry
2) It won't happen again
3) 1 and 2 are lies

Lol

 

My wife's really gone overboard with Valentine's Day treats.
Night in a hotel, then taking in a show tomorrow.
I never knew Jeremy Kyle was so generous to studio audience members, apparently, he's paying for it and has even paid for another twin room for my brother and father.
What a lovely gesture.

 

All these adverts on TV about running 24 miles for cancer.
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I don't want cancer in the first place, I ain't running 24 miles for it.

 

Need to tell the wife about this one there must have been a bad accident around here somewhere!
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I've just left work and every ****'s rushing up the road with bunches of flowers.

 

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who do not.

 

Tasteless and True

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/hand-jobs-salon-causing-controversy-suggestive-name-223556200.html



'Hand Jobs' salon is causing controversy for its suggestive name

 

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."

 

I bet their advertising budget is $0.00. Doesn't need to be any more !!

 

Katie Price has revealed she has been self-medicating with cocaine for six months. I’m in shock. I can forgive the soft porn; the multiple sexual partners; the illegitimate children; the outsize breast enlargement; the reality TV shows; the failed music career; the fatuous autobiographies; and the personal bankruptcy.
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But cocaine? She is not the role model I thought she was.

 

Doing a crossword and I'm stuck.

"Found at the bottom of a bird cage, 4 letters, ending in IT"
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Ah, got it, Grit.

 

A teacher in class notices a little puddle below Suzie’s chair.

“Ah, Suzie, why didn’t you put your hand up?”

“I did, Miss, but it just ran through me ****ing fingers.”

 

Why do Japanese people have slanted eyes?
Because they’re still squinting from the blast.

 

My wife hates it when I go for a dump with the door open.

I don’t know what her problem is. I still keep my eyes on the road

 

Simon and Peter are drunk and bored. So they grab the claw hammer and go up to get Jesus down off the cross.

As they're pulling the nails out, Jesus begins to flap his arms as he's tilting forward and shouting, "Bottom nails first ya b*******".

 

What is the difference between "complete" and "finish"?
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between complete and finished*.

However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsunder Balgogin, a Guanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: "Some say there is no difference between complete and finished. Please explain the difference between complete and finished in a way that is easy to understand."
His astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are complete. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are finished. If the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished."
His answer was received with a standing ovation.