Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Moi621, Feb 21, 2019.

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  1. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    A little boy opened the big, old family Bible
    with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

    Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

    "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. r>
    With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
     
  2. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock
    - Hey, what a weird rock!

    - Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

    They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

    - ****! It's a giant pyramid!

    - What do we do with this?

    - We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'll know what to do with this.

    They warn the American archeological team that comes with their jeeps, trailers, caravans and helicopters full of scientific devices.

    They get into the pyramid and after two years they leave.

    - Wow, it's been a while. What have you found out?

    - Well - the spokesman of the American team responds - after laborious investigations, we have found out that this pyramid was built between 1500 and 2500 BC.

    - Only that! After two years they have only found out that!

    The two angry guys decide to call the Germans. The Germans come with their jeeps, helicopters and planes with scientific devices, get into the pyramid, spend two years and leave.

    - What have you found?

    - We have found out - the German responds -
    that this pyramid was probably built around 2000 BC.

    - Anything else?

    - Well, we couldn't find out more, the hieroglyphs are very complicated.

    The two men get very angry.

    - We can still call the russians, I'm completely sure they'll discover something else.

    But when the russians arrive, the men are surprised: there are no jeeps or helicopters, just one guy. The russian man enters and two hours later he leaves.

    - Soon! What have you found out?

    - I have found out that the pyramid was built between February 12, 1858 and July 22, 1857 BC, according to the orders of Pharaoh Ankhetop IV, and its architect Thutmose the Younger.

    The opening day was cloudy and a branch of priests opposed it, because there was a partial eclipse of the moon in Sagittarius ... bla bla bla.
    2118 unskilled slaves participated and attempted a revolt due to the insane working conditions, which was stifled on September 5 by Pharaoh's soldiers, resulting in 42 dead and ... bla bla bla.
    The cost of the work is exactly 48 pounds of pure gold, and 3 pounds of diamonds ...
    The influence on the language is proven in the accent of the highlands that the nobles of ... bla bla bla ...

    - Wow! How did you discover all these things?

    - Well, at first it was hard, but when the mummy started talking...
     
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  3. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    A joke I just made up for Thanksgiving:

    What do men and turkeys have in common?

    We both have thermometers that pop out when we're ready!
     
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  4. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Why do smart people like to use big words?
    It makes them sound more photosynthesis.
     
  5. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    PUT THE

    " X "

    BACK IN X-MAS


    Santa Claus for all :rant:



    Moi :oldman:




    SgtPreston-a.jpg
    Across an immense, unguarded, ethereal border, Canadians, cool and unsympathetic,
    regard our America with envious eyes and slowly and surely draw their plans against us.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2019
  6. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Last edited: Nov 29, 2019
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  7. Blaster3

    Blaster3 Well-Known Member

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  8. Blaster3

    Blaster3 Well-Known Member

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  9. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...
    He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


    The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."


    "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
     
  10. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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  11. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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  12. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    [Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
    A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

    I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
    <br>Here's the joke I told:

    "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

    Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."

    One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

    Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

    "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
     
  13. Blaster3

    Blaster3 Well-Known Member

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  14. BaghdadBob

    BaghdadBob Well-Known Member

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    What do 9/10 people enjoy?






    Gang rape
     
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  15. BaghdadBob

    BaghdadBob Well-Known Member

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    What’s long and hard and makes women groan?






    An Ironing Board.
     
  16. BaghdadBob

    BaghdadBob Well-Known Member

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    I hope Death is a woman.






    That way it will never come for me.
     
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  17. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee
    Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
     
  18. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.
    Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.
     
  19. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.” After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzle bear stood right next to him.
    The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have rough sex.” Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Bob, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?”
     
  20. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    The Greeks vs. the Italians
    A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.
    The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”
    The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”
    The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”
    The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”
    And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says…. “We invented sex!”
    The Italian nods slowly, thinks, and replies, “That is true—but it was Italians who introduced it to women!”
     
  21. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    Ole and Lena were celebrating their twenty-fifth anniversary. After the guests left, Lena looked at Ole and punched him real hard in the shoulder. “That’s for twentyfive years of bad sex.” Ole thinks about it and then reaches over and Punches Lena hard in her shoulder, “That’s for knowing the difference!”
     
  22. Blaster3

    Blaster3 Well-Known Member

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  23. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937
    They discussed why they had been arrested.

    "I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

    "I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

    "I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"
     
  24. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
    "Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cant?"

    "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

    "What about if I were just to think it?"

    "No sir. You can think whatever you like."

    "In that case, I think you're a cant."
     
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  25. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling
    One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good reason as to why you weren't gambling, I'll let you go".

    The priest is the first to step forward and tells the judge "We weren't gambling because no money had changed hands yet". The judge decides that this is a good enough answer and lets the man go. The preacher goes next and says "We weren't because we hadn't even dealt the cards yet". Again the judge lets him go.

    With just the rabbi left, the judge says "And finally for you. can you give me a good reason why you weren't gambling"? The rabbi gestures around the courtroom, empty except for the two of them and asks "Gambling? With who"?
     
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