Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.
Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

 

Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"
"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

 

Well, he is an expert at plugging holes.

 

That’s the porn star isn’t it?

 

50 years ago. Now, like all men past 70 he has to rely more on his thespian skills. Amazingly he does have some.

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?

 

65 and still making porn

 

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

*gasp* "The doctor??"

"No, the other one."

 

Bad porn for sure with a very specific fetish market.

 

Got to ask, which fetish?

 

Don't want banning.

 

Holy moly!

 

A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team?
No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.

After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on winning. They have only one person do the yelling."

 

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...
Let her keep sleeping.

 

wife & kids kept naggin me to drive them around to see all the holiday lights & decorations, they said nightime would be best, so i obliged them... here's some pics:






they learned an invaluable lesson that night... to be more specific...

i took 'em to amish country...

 

You just wasted gas and have a majority of the house hold that don't like you so much.. seems like a poor payoff.

 

got that right... cumshots are much more satisfying when she's sleepin

 

Take my like, but know that the pun gods are angry.

 

Traci Lords has some too.

 

Warren Buffett once said “If you don't find a way to make money while you sleep, you will work until you die.”
and that's why I got into prostitution

 

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.
He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes up, takes one last look around, flicks his tail over his shoulder and leaves the taproom.

A man at the bar has been watching the whole time and turns to the barman in amazement. "I've never seen anything like that before," he says. "Who was that?"

"Surprised you never heard of him," answered the barman. "That was Adjustin' Beaver."

 

Excellent Medical Advice
I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines - after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

"Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and, with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had..

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who would not mind nursing, or becoming pregnant, are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people"



Please feel free to share this important medical information!