Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Moi621, Apr 14, 2020.

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  1. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    A teen walks into a pharmacy
    He walks up to the register and asks the cashier, “How much are condoms?”
    The cashier smirks at the boy and replies, “$5”
    The boy is visibly relieved and says, “okay! I’ll take them!”
    The cashier scans the box and hands them to the boys and says, “That will be $5.40”
    “Why? You just said $5!”
    “Tax, of course.”
    “What?! Don’t they stay on by themselves?”
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2020
  2. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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  3. gorfias

    gorfias Well-Known Member

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    upload_2020-6-24_6-20-1.png !!!!
     
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  4. Moi621

    Moi621 Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Cat owners get a bad reputation!

    When I was a kid, men owned dogs, women owned cats.
    It is the inverse today. More women own dogs.


    Star Trek featured Data and Barclay as cat owners
    and not Picard, etc. :rant:


    I come a "cat family" and have had many cats
    All had individual personalities. Not at all like dogs.
    The recent passing I miss the most was a Black cat
    who had 5 homes in the neighborhood when her last one
    died of old age. I convinced here was "home" and let her
    outside everyday. Calling her in at night.
    And she came. A real rat killer too. Had to convince her to take
    her kill to the far side of the yard, I'm not interested in sharing.


    Maybe cats give a man something a modern woman cannot.
    Enigma?

    CatWhisperer.jpg



    When Blackie kitty got old (17) and showed signs of liver and kidney failure
    I gave her a hospice. I was with her at her last, MEOW cry after hours of silence from her, as she passed.
    Just hours before she bolted out an opening sliding glass door. Blind, wobbly, but her wish.


    A Cat Is About Co Habitation.
    Not master, etc. FemDom, ;) etc.
     
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  5. gorfias

    gorfias Well-Known Member

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    Cat lady tropes can be funny. Even self deprecating. I recall an episode of "Mom" in which a 60ish mom gives up on men and asks what she needs to do next... do the cats just know and come to her or not! In my own extended family, it can be a little scary. Without going into detail, a single woman in my extended family at one point lied to an animal rescue org. so she could have even more cats even though she was already at around 20. Excess of even a good thing can be bad.
    That written, I am male and adore, over my wife's objections, 2 cats at this time. I have a long history with them and adore them. IN MODERATION. Toughest losses in my life for my many cats? Fluffy: a brightly colored short haired money cat passed at my mom's house while I was away in the military. She was gone by the time I came home.
    Meese: Yiddish, short for Meeskite which traditionally means ugly but we just meant funny looker. She looked like a perpetually annoyed football linebacker.
    To both RIP.
     
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  6. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    4D95F2B4-2D23-4462-B00E-02FDBC6FBB22.jpeg

    “In the sandhills surrounding one of Australia's most remote communities, bilby populations are stable, a stark contrast to dwindling numbers in other parts of the country.

    Now a leading biologist says Kiwirrkurra's strong traditions of cat hunting and fire management are literally making the difference between life and death for the region's bilbies.“


    I like my son in laws cat but loathe cats in general for the bird and small mammal killers that they are.
     
  7. Phyxius

    Phyxius Well-Known Member

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    We Yanks tend to keep our felines indoors, more often than not. They live a lot longer when you do. Mine are all indoor only kitties.
     
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  8. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    You have a problem with people catching your cats and eating them too? I thought that was only here.
     
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  9. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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    But you do get to say Aww bless him/her they eaten the head.....
     
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  10. Montegriffo

    Montegriffo Well-Known Member

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    ...and that's the RSPB saying that.

    https://www.rspb.org.uk/birds-and-w...-garden-birds/are-cats-causing-bird-declines/
     
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  11. Phyxius

    Phyxius Well-Known Member

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    No, but bobcats and coyotes mean housecats are not at the top of the food chain. And leash laws mean that dogs and cats caught roaming around are subject to being captured and euthenised by animal control. Safer just to keep them inside.
     
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  12. ToddWB

    ToddWB Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I've had cats... preferred Manx.. had one named Fleetwood Manx and much later one named Groucho Manx, both were trained to sic... Fleetwood was an awesome hunter.. once brought an offering to his humans... six rabbits, disembowels with their guts piled in a nice little pile has tho' put their by human hands,, the heads removed .. surgically at teh top of each line of each, and the remaineders, fur and feet at the bottom. Groucho Liked riding in and on the car.. I miss them. unfortunatley I developed an allergy to them. I alwys considered cats the perfect bachelor pet, as long as didn't put a cat box inside.. had plenty of sand outside for them.
     
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  13. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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  14. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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  15. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    They can be good companions.
     
  16. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Last edited: Jun 26, 2020
  17. ToddWB

    ToddWB Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I have even bigger cats that eat domestic cats... Bob is the most effective animal control officer in town.. and there is a mountain lion lurking around too.. so not so many feral dogs and cats around the ranchito. (they must be better eating than racoons)
     
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  18. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    An Israeli businessman accidentally sleeps through his alarm one morning.
    Feeling the panic of waking up late, he throws on his suit as quickly as he can and rushes out the door to drive to work. As he begins the commute through the Tel Aviv rush hour traffic, he painfully watches the clock as his meeting starts without him.

    Finally he pulls into his parking lot, fearing how much trouble he will be in, and he cannot for the life of him find a parking spot. After endlessly searching, in his desperation he stops his car and looks up towards the heavens and pleads, “Dear God, if you please just give me a parking spot I promise I will go to synagogue every week, and I will only eat kosher, and I’ll follow all the 10 commandments, just PLEASE give me a spot so I don’t lose my job!”

    Miraculously, a parking spot opens up right by the front of the building. He looks back up to the heavens and says, “never mind I just found one!”
     
  19. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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  20. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Have you heard of Boyle's Law?
    It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.

    Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?

    It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise
     
  21. Phyxius

    Phyxius Well-Known Member

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    The electric fence and the lawnmower.

    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city, not to mention all this ANTIFA mess. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. Little did my sweet wife know that bit of information, but worried the animals might get out, had plugged it back in. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

    This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

    1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not theleft, just the right).

    3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

    4 - My left eye will not open.

    5 - My right eye will not close.

    6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

    7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
     
  22. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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    Boris Johnson has announced that swimming pools can reopen,
    .
    .
    .
    but to maintain social distancing, lanes two, four and six will have no water in them.
     
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  23. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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  24. Liberty Monkey

    Liberty Monkey Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
    2020 for you
     
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  25. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    FB needs to be switched off. Notwithstanding memes
     
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