Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

A blonde takes her car to be fixed. After the mechanic is done with his work he said
"Nothing serious mam, just **** in the gas tank."
The blonde asks
"How often?"

 

A football manager signs his new star...
A manager for a football club signs his new star, a centipede. It’s the debut game for their new club and all the other players are out on the field when the match starts. The team starts conceding goals and is down 5-0 at half time.

During the break, the manager substitutes the centipede on and the tactical switch changed the momentum of the game. The skill was unnatural, footwork you haven’t seen before while dribbling around every opponent player, and scoring every shot taken. The team had come back to win 7-5 by full time, the centipede scoring all 7 while winning the man-of-the-match award!

During the post match interview, the press asked the centipede “That was an amazing second half for you and your team, coming back like that to win after that halftime deficit. It certainly looks like you’re fitting into your new squad well. However, with that ability and goal scoring prowess, is there a reason why you didn’t start the match?”

“Thanks. Err... yeah, I was still putting on me boots!”

 

This one is actually true...

I saw the most beautiful example of Orwellian corporate doublespeak today. Apparently, the engines on 737's that have been idle for over a week - which is quite a few, thanks to Covid 19 - have a part that might corrode. This part might cause the engine to stall out during flight and be unable to restart, resulting in "an off-airport landing" from 35,000 feet.

An off-airport landing.

An. Off-airport. Mutha. Frakkin'. Landing.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

"How far will the plane take us?"
"All the way to the scene of the crash."

SMMFH

 

Warning for the faint hearted- this is a bit rough.

Poker Night.

John is playing poker with his friends in Peter's house. But Peter's 5 yrs old son disturbs them by running around looking at their cards and shouting it. So John took the boy in the room for five minutes. After that they played the game smoothly without any distraction. So Peter got curious.

Peter: John what did you do to my kid in the room? How come he's very quiet and not running around anymore?

John: Well I taught him how to masturbate.

 

The airline industry is already on life support given that business travel has been replaced by virtual meetings and tourists aren't exactly thronging to their usual destinations.

Now have some 737's dropping out of the skies from engine failures and that will be yet another reason for people not wanting to fly anywhere that they do not have to go.

 

Three doctors are sitting on a park bench when a man limps past...
The first doctor sees him and says, “I’ve been a podiatrist for 10 years, and I bet $1000 that man has bone spurs.”

“No way!” says the chiropractor, “I’ve had my practice for 20 years and that is a clear-cut spinal issue. Can’t you see how crooked his back is?”

“Nope,” says the orthopedic surgeon. “I’ve had more training than both of you combined and I’m certain that this man has hip damage.”

The doctor’s arguing grew so loud that the man overheard them. “Well gentlemen,” he said, “All four of us were wrong.”

“I thought it was a fart!”

 

That is truly one of the best contributions to this thread. Bravissimo.

 

Grazie!

 

A similar one which I thought very funny.
Yossi goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little . . . no, a little more. . . . that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" Yossi cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossi lurches out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Janine, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Suzy, "but what a beautiful suit!"

 

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Really
Which is more humorous?


And Do

UGLY ​

Lives Matter?
How Ugly?

​

Just asking.

 

Hallelujah.

 

When we were children we were taught the story of the little Dutch boy who saved Haarlem by putting his fingers in a dyke. If you try that as an adult you get some serious push back.

What?

It's spelled dike with an i?

That explains a lot.

 

TT.