Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

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She got the job.

 

Cold War Dog Fight
During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worked day and night for a year, and the day of the fight arrived.

The Soviets put an absolute monster of a dog in to the ring - imagine a cross between a bear, a wolverine and a wolf with the jaws of a great white shark and the size of an average car.

The Americans opened their cage and after some prodding, a 10 meter long dachshund waddled out and looked around sleepily. The Soviet leadership started looking pretty smug at this point.

The Soviet dog growled and attacked, but the dachshund just opened its jaws wide and swallowed it whole. Fight over.

The Soviets conceded defeat and signed over the world to the beaming Americans, who graciously invited the losers to the celebration party in Hollywood.

At the party, one of the Soviet scientists got to talking with one of his American counterpart and said “I just don’t understand. We toiled day and night to breed the biggest, most vicious animal in the world, and still we lost. 23 of my men went insane from the pressure, the finest minds of my country lost forever.”

The American took a swig from his drink and replied, “Oh yeah? You try making a crocodile look like a dog.”

 

So, you can't mix with your family but you can see strangers in pubs.
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I knew all the letters to my MP would pay off eventually.

 

The new man - Popeye

 

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization
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When will the government start arming them?

 

Socialism Jokes are like food
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Not everyone gets it.

 

Hey, if anyone wants to take off all my tyres, replace them with new ones and fill my tank with petrol I'm more than happy. I don't care what colour they are.

 

And in 8 seconds without any wait in line.

 

8 seconds?
You can do 4 cars in that time if you try hard enough.

 

Well sure, at sea level. Most of us are at much higher altitudes.

 

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Urine Test for Old Men

My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus.
One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test. This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, and because they're shutdown too.


Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ant's gather: DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS.
If you return to your house with your penis outside
your pants: ALZHEIMER'S.