Adopted kids looking for biological parents

Discussion in 'Member Casual Chat' started by Le Chef, Oct 19, 2020.

  1. Le Chef

    Le Chef Banned at members request Donor

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    If you were adopted, would you, upon becoming an adult, work to find your birth parents? What would you say to the mother? To the father? Assume there is no reason to think they didn't love you, but were instead too young to give you a home?
     
  2. CKW

    CKW Well-Known Member

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    Well first, in this day and age of abortion and welfare moms....I hope I would be grateful that my biological parent/parents cared to give me life and and a better future.

    I would be curious. My ex husband was adopted when 6 months old. He was obsessed to find his biologocal family when he became an adult. Found out that his dad was a wanderer, and philanderer...died of hard living. His mother also died of hard living. All his cousins aunts and uncles were druggies and had no teeth. So after that he appreciated his wealthy stable and loving family that raised him.

    He also found out from hi sc relatives that his parents left with him, came back without him but did have $500.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2020
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  3. Collateral Damage

    Collateral Damage Well-Known Member

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    Biology doesn't have a whole lot to do with who you become.

    Those that provided a home and raised the child, are the parents IMO.
     
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  4. Chrizton

    Chrizton Well-Known Member

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    I would not unless there was a medical reason like I needed a kidney. Conversely, if they wanted to find me, I would not cooperate/participate either because I ain't giving nobody my kidney. I am proudly double standard-y like that :dog:
     
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  5. MJ Davies

    MJ Davies Well-Known Member

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    I have never understood why people place so much value in biological relations. Both my parents are biologically related to me and they both hate me and always have. They treat my siblings, cousins, even non-relatives better than they treat me. I have absolutely no idea why I'm their target but that's the way it is. I've met others with similar problems in their biological families and I've met people who were adopted and fostered and appreciative to have their respective families.

    I really hope that SOMEDAY this line of thinking is abolished and non-related people have more say in who can make the final decisions regarding someone's health and oversee the disposition of their personal property upon death. I have named a good friend as my power-of-attorney for health and another as executor. I feel bad because my family will probably make things very difficult for both of them.

    It sounds like your husband was given a shot at life by being given away (or sold). I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't mean it that way. I have always said that "friends are the family we choose for ourselves." Sounds like he's very fortunate to have you in his life. All the best to you both.
     
  6. Le Chef

    Le Chef Banned at members request Donor

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    MJ, I hope there is at least a possibility that you are mistaken about your parents and that they don't actually hate you. I do remember this family in my hometown who seemed to denigrate their middle child, and I can never remember their showing him any affection. He was a bit odd looking, but very popular among the other kids. There was suspicion that he was adopted or maybe unplanned. He died of cancer in his 20's and I ho-pe there is no connection.

    I bolded the above section in your post because I just wanted to clarify that I'm a male, and not adopted myself. Doesn't matter. I have to agree that it's better to be adopted than unwanted!
     
  7. crank

    crank Well-Known Member

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    You're the 'scapegoat' child. Guaranteed there's a narcissist parent, and a 'golden child'. They triangulate you. The narcissist parent teaches the golden child that all the family 'flaws' are manifest in you (the scapegoat), so you become something a depository of the things they don't like about themselves. Unfortunately the golden child is often able to get other siblings on side against the scapegoat. It's very dysfunctional, but a well understood and sadly quite common pathology.

    It might comfort you to know that scapegoats, when they don't succumb to the years of self-doubt, almost always end up better off in life than the dysfunctional weirdos they left behind.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2020
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  8. crank

    crank Well-Known Member

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    Scapegoat. See my post above.
     
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  9. Le Chef

    Le Chef Banned at members request Donor

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    This post reminds me so much of the movie Ordinary People, with Mary Tyler Moore playing the bad guy, if you can believe it, and very convincingly. The climax and denouement illustrate your point about the scapegoat prevailing so perfectly.

    Also good on you for offering comfort to MJ. Elon Musk was apparently abused and unloved and left home with a suitcase full of bunch of books. Not sure if he was ever adopted. Steve Jobs was adopted for sure and enjoyed a very healthy and productive relationship with hid adoptive father.
     
  10. crank

    crank Well-Known Member

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    There are times that hiding the skillset seems a bit bloody minded. This was one of them.
     
  11. Le Chef

    Le Chef Banned at members request Donor

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    ?
     
  12. crank

    crank Well-Known Member

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    I generally try to avoid sounding clinical, but sometimes it's needed.
     
  13. Le Chef

    Le Chef Banned at members request Donor

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    I mean I don't know who is hiding the skillset or what's bloody about hiding it.
     
  14. Chrizton

    Chrizton Well-Known Member

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    This topic reminds me of a situation someone told me they ran into real estate. Young parents put Child #1 up for adoption but kept Child # 2 & Child #3. Parents periodically checked in on Child # 1 from afar. In old age, they felt really bad about putting them up for adoption and decided to add #1 to the deed to their land with a double wide on it along with #2 and #3, and listed them as a child in the will. Parents died; child #2 died with no will. When #3 wanted to sell it created a bunch of issues because #1 did not inherit any interest in the DW from the parents or dead sibling, owned 1/3 of the land, and Child #3 owned 100% of the DW and 2/3rds of the land and it threw up a ton of red flags with the buyer's bank and the title insurance company. They weren't sure what to do because they couldn't put anything about the adoption on the public record so I guess it will always be a WTF in the chain of title.
     
  15. crank

    crank Well-Known Member

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    I worked in the field. I generally avoid discussing it, but sometimes that seems silly (to me) when it could be helpful.
     
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  16. Thingamabob

    Thingamabob Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    In Sweden, we have a TV series called "Spårlöst" ('Without a trace') where the program helps adopted children find their parents. Adopted children, particularly from abroad, often want to find their biological parents. If you have a similar program in your country have a look at a few episodes and then you'll have the answer to your question.
     
  17. Thingamabob

    Thingamabob Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    You don't?
    The "value" (as you call it) is not in relations per se but in the knowledge of knowing one way or the other. Feeling abandoned is a natural emotion in an adopted person and you cannot judge your parents if you don't know them. The "value" is in KNOWING. Once you've accomplished that then the consequences are in your own hands, finally.
     
  18. squidward

    squidward Well-Known Member

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    No.
    What do i care about someone I've never known or had a relationship with?
     
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  19. MJ Davies

    MJ Davies Well-Known Member

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    No. That's why I wrote it.

    Which, by default, puts some kind of lessened "value" on the relationships between adoptee and their adoptive parent(s). I also have a pet peeve about people using the word "real" in these instance (ie. I want to find my REAL parents). Your real parent(s) are the ones that took you in, loved and provided for you. I "get" why it's more important to people who were never adopted and are mostly alone in the world but a person or persons gave up their baby/child for a reason. Sometimes, NOT knowing is BEST for the person who was given up.
     
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  20. Thingamabob

    Thingamabob Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Take a deep breath and stay calm.

    It is wrong to say, "Your real parent(s) are the ones that took you in, loved and provided for you." 'Real' is a relative thing and it is up to each person's situation.

    I cannot agree with this. It is never best not knowing. Never. My "real" father left my mother and me when I was 2-years-old and I never saw him. Later in my life, I looked him up through the Salvation Army. So I met him a couple of times and discovered that he is an azzhole and I decided never to meet him again. That's MY choice and I am very thankful for having that decision in MY hands.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2020
  21. MJ Davies

    MJ Davies Well-Known Member

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    You're funny. I'm probably one of the calmest people on the planet.

    True, but the standard definition of "real" is "authentic". A person can be a BIOLOGICAL parent but they aren't really a "real" parent just by providing some DNA to a child they never kept or bonded with; however, you are correct that it's relative (no pun intended).

    I'm sorry your father turned out to be someone you didn't want/need to have a relationship with. Your example is exactly why I think most people are biting off more than can chew by seeking out biological relatives. I understand it may be for an answer to whatever questions they have about where they came from but I've heard more stories like yours than ones with happy endings. And, maybe the journey to discovery whatever is behind the curtain IS the lesson we need to grow and heal.

    P.S. I always wondered if I was adopted because my parents (biological) hate me. Turns out they are my natural parents and are just awful people. ;-(
     
  22. Thingamabob

    Thingamabob Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    That's good to hear because you sounded a bit edgy.

    That's not true. Fathers are "real" to the children they have produced. A step-father can provide everything under the sun except "real"-ness.

    That's OK. Knowing a good father is the best. Knowing a bad father is second best. Not knowing him at all is the worst.

    Having met my father and knowing he's an azzhole is a happy ending. My life is better without him and I know it because I know what he is: an azzhole. That's a happy ending. An unhappy ending would have been if I'd never met him.

    Yes.

    Many awful people have children. Some may hate their children and some may not. My azzhole father doesn't hate me but he's too much of a pain in the azz so I have cut off all communication with him. Anyway, I can only take your word for it that your parents hate you. Maybe it's not true but that's not my business to decide. There are people I admire who dislike me and then there are people who want to be my friend (like my azzhole father) but I want nothing to do with them. The world is filled with people ..... all kinds of them.
     
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  23. Aleksander Ulyanov

    Aleksander Ulyanov Well-Known Member

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    Why? Who in the blinking blue seven levels of Gehenna CARES who is your "biologic" father?

    You admit that he's an azzhole. WHY give him the SATISFACTION of knowing all the distress he has caused you? He didn't give a Flying Fandango about you.

    You think he'll feel guilty? Think again, and this time use your brain. He didn't care about you back then, why do you think he'll care now?

    "Hey, here's this kid I dumped years ago and didn't give a **** about all this time, yet he comes and looks me up. I must be really something"

    And how does your adopted parent feel? He raised you, supported you, LOVED you, (and likely still does, though I wouldn't blame him if he's had second thoughts now.) It doesn't bother you even a little that you have tossed him over to go find this azzhole who abandoned you?
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2020
  24. Le Chef

    Le Chef Banned at members request Donor

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    Take it easy. You aren't in his shoes.
     
  25. Aleksander Ulyanov

    Aleksander Ulyanov Well-Known Member

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    And that's good for I find this behavior completely and absolutely inexplicable. It's something of a staple on the talkie shows, they have one or the other adoptee track down their birth parent and there's this big tearful reunion and just W.T.F.??:confusion::confusion:. This person is NOTHING to you and you're less than nothing to them, just a one night stand blowby that was meant to be...ah ****..

    I'll lay you dollars to navy beans that daddykins will be hitting them up for money in a month
     

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