“English as the Language of Europe” - Joachim Gauck, German president

In an address given at his ‘Schloss Bellvue’ Berlin residence on Friday 22 February 2013, German president Joachim Gauck passionately appealed to the British to remain within the European Union, at the same time advocating that English be accepted as the common language of the Union; ie a “workable English for all life’s situations and for all age groups.”
To this end, talks between European Commissioners, Union Members and the British Government seem likely in the near future, in the course of which Britain may be asked to concede that English spelling has much need of phonetic simplification and consistency. Berlin suggestions for such revision may take the form of a phased plan, perhaps over a five year period, the conclusion of which would be a ‘lingua franca’ thereafter to be known as ‘EuroEnglish’.

In the first year the soft “c” of English could be dropped in favour of “s” and the hard “c” replaced by the letter “k”. This would not only help avoid konfusion but would mean that typewriters kan have less letters. Sertainly European Community sivil servants and offise workers in general would reseive this news with much satisfaktion.

It might be antisipated that there would be growing publik approval of the ongoing changes in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” could be replaced by “f”, resulting in words such as “fotograf”and “filosofy” being more than 20% shorter.

In the third year, general akseptanse of the new spelling idea may have reached a stage where more komplex changes might be implemented, such as the removal of dipfongs and most other double leters, also of awl silent leters such as the “e” at the end of so many English words. Awl of this shud promot mor akurat speling.

By the end of the forth yar, members wil be reseptiv to replasing the English “th” by “z” and the awkward “w” by “v”. At zis time also, many uzzer schmal diferenzes vud okur. For ekzampl, vords ending in ‘ing’ vud in futur be endink in ‘ink’, vich many Englanders and also Eastern European members prefer alredy.

Durink ze fift Yar ze unvonted “o” kan be dropd from vords havink “ou”, and similar alteräschöns vil ov kors be mayd to uzzer unvonted kombinäschöns ov leters. Ve vil zen haf a most sensibl styl ov spelink and everivun vil find it mor ezi to understand ze uzzer. Kinder in ze Englischer Schkuls kan zen be tot nü vords vor songs vot Grossmamas und Grosspapas haf long befor zung. Also vil zay be lernink nü vords vor ze olden nürzeri ryms, ya? Vor ekzampl;

Jyak und Jschil vent ap ze Höl
Zu vetch ein Pil von Wasser.
Jyak fel dün und brök ze Krün
Und Jschil vent tumblink after.

In ze sixt Jahr ze ‘EuroEnglisch’ vil komplet be! Schortly aftervords ze euro vil ze ‘E-mark’ bekum und zen ve wil haf at last komplet und absolut Kontrol, ya! Ze olden Dreöm ov ze Vaterland vil fynali kum trü!

Footnote: The original text at the core of the above (author unknown) was in circulation on office pc’s in probably the early 1990’s, inspired perhaps by the European Community becoming the basis for the European Union (EU) established in 1993 following ratification of the Maastricht Treaty. Although here revised, paraphrased or expanded in this compilation (ie in response to Herr Gauck’s recent statement), the original engaging theme remains essentially intact and is perhaps more apposite and amusing now, than it was then. The nursery rhyme appendage comes from an earlier ‘source unknown’ idea of the 1960’s.

 

Fukin briliant! I visch zey vould hury up and figur it owt awlredy.

All kidding aside, Esperanto, or perhaps Interlingua is the better choice, nobody loses their culture that way to another. A regional language makes the most sense for a region of people that travel often.