Ask a Poly anything.

Discussion in 'Member Casual Chat' started by Maquiscat, Dec 4, 2019.

  1. modernpaladin

    modernpaladin Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I'm curious how the household dynamic works, specifically in raising children. Like, say you have a kid with your wife and your husband also has a kid with your wife, and you and your husband have differing views on how to raise your kids. Is there a 'you can teach your kid that, but don't teach my kid that' kind of thing? Or are his kids your kids and vise versa?
     
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  2. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    Which part of further thread jacking did you not get? Beside this is my thread. If the OP of the other thread, or a mod, wants to ask to bring it back to topic, that's on them.

    Depends upon who you ask. I dated a pre-op trans woman once. Never go to the point where sex occurred. While I still claim straight, others would claim that my attraction to that person makes me bi.
     
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  3. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    Could you cite that post number? I don't recall saying that. Our child situation is a little convoluted, but given the ages when we all met it's understandable.

    I have 4 children by a previous wife that was out of my life prior to my understanding I was poly. The woman who is my legal wife was already pregnant by someone who had up and disappeared shortly after their sexual encounter. I was fixed shortly after we started dating. The other wife has three children by her abusive first husband, whom she finally got up the courage to leave and subsequently met her now legal husband. He in turn, while previously married never had children by that woman. When we met as the two couples, the only one left in our house was my legal wife's son, a junior in HS at that time. Even then, we had started out as friends who met at a board game club. They were living with her daughter at the time as he looked for work. When the daughter got pregnant with her first son, they effectively became homeless, so we invited them to live with us prior to their deadline to leave. And somewhere between 6 months to a year afterwards we ended up as a poly quad. It kinda snuck up on us. It actually took someone outside the household to point out that we had been treating each other as spouses, and we realized that we had indeed slowly fallen in love with one another. SO yeah we did end p bypassing the NRE phase, but it's been over 5 years and it's still working. We did acquire a 9th child, in the form of the best friend of the one still with us when the other couple first moved in. About the time that child moved out on his own, we found out that the friend was having problems at home to where, even though now 18 (and we had found out the issues predated that), he was not able to get a job or move out without being homeless. So we took him in and he shortly became our son. When it comes to the grandchildren (numbers 11 and 12 due in Sept and Oct) As far as they are concerned, we are a single family of 4 grandparents. They've known nothing else. Even the ones born prior to use forming the quad because they were still very young when we did.

    As to others in the community, there is a wide variety of ways children are handled. Some are like you wrote, where the parents of the child are the ones to decide the rules, although usually all adults enforce, similar to how grandparents and aunts/uncles will help enforce rules. In other families, all the adults decide on the rules for all the kids. And there is a lot of variations in between. A lot of times when people come and go the ones in the house discuss if and what changes to make. Somewhere in the early episodes of A Touch Of Flavor podcasts there is one on children in poly families, and there is also one where the casters interview their own pre-teen son (voice distorted to protect his identity). They are very interesting to listen to.
     
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  4. modernpaladin

    modernpaladin Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Oh ya I wasn't meaning yours specifically but rather how a polyfam would address that issue in general. I wasn't tryna put words in ur mouth, promise ;D
     
  5. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    Looking back part of that was my fault. You wrote "say you" as in "for example" but I had accidentally read "you say". However, I didn't think you were trying to put words in my mouth. I thought either I didn't remember right, wrote something unintentionally misleading, or you mixed me up with someone else. Mostly I had wanted to figure out which it was, especially if I miswrote something.
     
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  6. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    I can't stand it and have to ask: Poly want a cracker?
     
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  7. Kranes56

    Kranes56 Banned

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    I experimented with poly and my partner (who was seeing another person) and I broke up. Since this was my first poly relationship I worry that it's because of my partner seeing someone else, and me getting jealous. What would be some warning signs that I was jealous with my partner for being poly vs. something unrelated?
     
  8. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    As long as she's a firecracker. ;)
     
  9. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    As I understand things, jealousy rarely stands by itself. It is more often a symptom than a cause. So the question then becomes what is the source of the jealousy? Maybe it is a lack of time between you and your partner, or communication has dropped. There are some great podcasts at Touch of Flavor which deal with this better than I can. #92 and #119 are specifically targeted at jealousy, but it is touched on in many other podcasts.

    Something to keep in mind. Poly isn't for everyone. Some people can allow their partner to be poly, while not being poly themselves. Others cannot. Of those who can, they still need to have their needs met. So in your case, you might not have gotten your needs met, even if it was something that you could do otherwise.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2021
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  10. Kranes56

    Kranes56 Banned

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    That's it, I keep thinking about it and I don't have an answer. I don't think it was because I was jealous but I keep getting worried about this, like did I fail to communicate something properly and that's why we broke up, that kind of stuff.
     
  11. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes we need help to find the underlying issue. Professional help can do that. It's what they are trained to do. Of course you want a kink/poly aware professional for that. You won't be able to do that with the ex, but you can be aware now if you try again. But if you think that you might want to, be sure to let your prospective partner know that early on in developing your relationship.
     
  12. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    I can only focus my attention on one woman at a time. But I have wondered about having one relationship purely for the intellectual stimulation and companionship, and another purely for sexual stimulation and intimacy.

    A friend once warned me that any time you do a threesome, someone is going to get hurt. And it will probably be me. However my SB had always wanted to be with another woman but never had the nerve to approach someone. She asked if I could find someone. She really wanted to be with another woman badly. So I made it a mission and found someone amazing. She was gorgeous! She was also really excited about being with another woman her first time.

    We all had an amazing evening. It couldn't have been better. But in the end someone did get hurt just like he predicted and it wasn't me. I ended up breaking up with my SB and seeing the other woman for the next year and a half.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2021
  13. WillowLily

    WillowLily Newly Registered

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    Me myself i see as long as you are having safe sex or with the same people who you know are safe I see nothing wrong with this and i will support others who are poly as long as its over 18 (its 16 where I live, but they're maybe changing the law ) an adult that is able to give consent under 18 no way,
     
  14. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    Yes this is possible within polyamory. Usually it is only considered poly if there is an emotional relationship developed on or near the level as you would with a mate/gf/spouse. Such emotional relationships do not need to be sexual. As noted even the asexual have emotional needs, even if they don't have a sex drive or sexual desires.

    Yes these kind of things happen, especially if the original couple is not stable before engaging in any form of ENM (what you described was open or swinging depending if marriage was involved).
     
  15. FatBack

    FatBack Well-Known Member

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    So.....if one is bi sexual does this DOUBLE your chances of getting laid?
     
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  16. WillowLily

    WillowLily Newly Registered

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    yea if it's couple lol
     
  17. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    One, being poly isn't the same as "getting laid". Polyamory and its subsets are amount the emotional relationship, not the physical one, although the two commonly go together. With that said, bisexuals are more often than not monogamous. They just have a bigger selection pool.
     
  18. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    Keep in mind that poly is about the emotional relationship, not the sexual one. If we extend you point along that logic, you don't want those under 18 even dating. You can be poly without having sex. So there is no reason why 3 or more teens can't date as a poly unit, or in poly fashion.
     
  19. WillowLily

    WillowLily Newly Registered

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    teens should date yes but that is all teens are not 18+ shouldn't have sex , I Know it is more emotional than a sexual one , i didn't mean to sound like I thought it was , I have friends who are LGBT, and I am genderfluid myself ( sometimes female sometimes male and sometimes both i was born female )
     
  20. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Yes, I was already getting frustrated with her princess and the pea complex. In some ways she was a very spoiled young woman. A week or so after our threesome she really hurt my feelings. She thought she could control me; not something I will tolerate. So I was pissed and had just slept with this other gorgeous young woman in our threesome. And we all had a fantastic time. So it only took one text message and I was seeing the other woman.

    I have always regretted jumping so fast. The first woman and I did have something special. That I didn't give that more of a chance is my regret. But then her moves to control me were a very bad idea. So I don't know. If we had not had a threesome, I may or may not have broken up with her.

    Something else, she was using me to fulfill her sexual fantasies. LOL! That is how the threesome came about in the first place. I hated to walk away from that. But the other woman was truly stunning. And we too had a great time.

    This is what i call a GREAT problem to have.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2021
  21. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    If you don't mind me asking, what might you guess is the percentage of women your age who are either bi or gender fluid? I estimate that about 30% of the young women I've met are. But maybe this is true of women who like older men. They tend to be adventurous types and very sexual by nature.
     
  22. ToddWB

    ToddWB Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    What do y'all do about the STDs.. must be a lot of transference..
    Papovirus,(and many other viruses, some fatal) gum disease, herpes, any number of bacteria in an environment they can ravish ...etc..etc.. may not be so apparent on your young healthy bodies... but start pushing past 60 yo and you are going to be very aware of them.
     
  23. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    I've been actively dating for almost 10 years and have never had a problem. Tested many times. Always negative for everything.

    Be smart. Use protection unless being monogamous and you know you are both clean. Take care of yourself and be sure your partners do as well. It isn't rocket science.
     
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  24. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    In some cases, that is not an issue because the poly unit is a closed one. In our case, we take precautions. My wife that has play mates outside the family; they are closed other than with her, and they all (wife and playmates) get screenings when she gets a chance to go up and visit them. For me, regular screenings and I request the latest one from my potential partner if we are going to do something risky. A rope only session doesn't count as risky in that context. And of course protection, until, if it happens, the other then becomes family and fluid bonded.
     
  25. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Yes, I did, And I've been documenting my activities here for years.

    But I understand why someone like you can't even imagine the life I've lived. The more you object, the more we know about you. Been a long time eh?
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2021

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