Avadishi's (PBUY) thread had me thinking .... God (Yahweh, the middle eastern tribal god) has sent me back to earth in the form of a middle aged hausfrau. I have important information to transmit from my dad/self/ghost. Christians, please renew your allegiance here, so that I know you accept me as your Lord and messenger. Once you've acknowledged and accepted that I am indeed, Jesus, I can start revealing Dad's message. Thanks.
It's about frickin' time! You said in the bible that you'd return "soon", and within the lifetime of the people that were alive at that time! Why are you a liar? I realize that you've probably been in treatment for many centuries over the guilt that must wrack you for having to send many billions of decent, hard-working, moral people like Gandhi to brutal savage torture in your Auschwitz ("hell", you call your concentration camp), so I guess I can understand why, however. I hope you get better. Like most gods/prophets you want money (Mohammad Q8:41, Joseph Smith, etc.), of course, so please give us the PayPal account that we should send our money to. We're used to it. PS you accepted slavery in the New Testament, so this will be a big shock to you, but we've since learned that slavery is what we call "immoral", and a "crime against humanity", so please don't bring your 1st century values into our modern world - thanks a bunch.
Not only have you returned, but this video (which I offer as conclusive proof of your return to those atheist skeptics out there - you're welcome) shows you helping a young boy out, nice work! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLSIHYbedII Thanks, Jesus. Only you can walk on water, so I know that's really you, I believe, I believe!
Yeah, sorry, I got held up. Dad was on this 'independence' kick for a couple of thousand years. One of his god mates told him he should try it, because it allowed more time for cloud golf. Anyway I'm back now. But I don't need any money - I just need Christians to renew their commitment to me, here and now. They've been relying on my last Owners Manual for so long, it seems unfair to keep them in the dark any longer. - - - Updated - - - Awesome. I'm glad SOMEONE believes it's really me. But I can't watch your vid because I'm using a typewriter.
You also speak pretty good English for a Hebrew dead guy....so, uh, I gotta say I'm a little suspicious, though. Perhaps more proof of your divinity is in order, so if you could just give the Pope the cure for cancer tomorrow that would be great, and then I'll stop being suspicious (or are you not all-knowing, as the bible says.)
By the way, so much of your godly wisdom got lost over the DECADES between when you spoke and when the bible got written down, so can I offer a little advice, my friend: in the future, right after you say some super important stuff, say "write this down", mkay. Three little words that would have changed the world. - - - Updated - - - So emailing you is completely out then, huh? - - - Updated - - - What will you do to them if they don't?
the proof is all around you, FreeSee ... consider the flower, the mountain, a sunset. and .... puppies! I won't cure cancer because terrible evil fallen man has caused it. - - - Updated - - - they will burn for eternity in the lake of fire. because I love them.
Puppies are so darned wonderful, so you (god) must be real!! After all, how ELSE could we possibly explain that!!? Uh, er, who CREATED man, hmmmmm? So, uh, I think you screwed up (again), so I think another flood is in order (again). [I hereby apologize in advance for causing all non-arc-bound forum posters to die in an upcoming flood - sorry, my bad.] So if you HATE people, uh, what do you do to them then? (Wait, don't answer that, I'm sure it's too hideous.)
yes, puppies are awesome. and that is all the proof you'll ever need that I, jesus/god/ghost am mighty, and created puppies for you! there is no other possible explanation for baby dogs. meantime, yes, I'm aware that it's tricky to differentiate between my love and my hate .... but if you truly believed, you'd understand. if you don't understand, it's because you're not believing hard enough. any problems you have with my stuff are created by you. not my fault.
I am verily, fantastic. You're allowed to judge me as long as you say nice stuff about me And you're allowed to bleat "don't judge god!" at kitten killing atheists when they say mean things about me.
One question, though, Jesus: did you ignore all the billions of prayers of people during the holocaust and Hitler's rampage because A , B, or C? OR A. You don't answer prayers (in which case we should stop praying to you, and try to solve problems with real world solutions instead.) OR B. You're not actually real (in which case we should stop praying to you, and try to solve problems with real world solutions instead.) OR C. You just don't give a fck (in which case we should stop praying to you, and try to solve problems with real world solutions instead.) Thanks, and keep up the good work (well, except maybe you could not torture Bill Gates and the Dalai Lama, according to one survey two of the world's most admired people, like I know you want to, just because they think differently than you.)
how dare you limit me to three options - my dad is the creator of the universe (and puppies)!! the actual answer is: D) I find car keys and help $1000,000.00 a year football players make touchdowns. I don't have time for starving kids - and besides, I make sure they keep starving so that the football players learn valuable lessons about worshipping me.
.....and deadly earthquakes, and insects that burrow into the eyes of innocent babies and blind them, and wasps that lay their eggs inside caterpillars and the young eat the caterpillar alive from the inside, and Justin Bieber. Have you no shame?
Do you answer the prayers of moral hard-working NON-Christians who happen to be even more moral than, just say, the average Christian is, especially when they ask for stuff that's more important than scoring touchdowns?
Of course not. Pure evil, the lot of them. I only answer the prayers of club members, even if they're serial killers
Speaking of which .... where are all my peeps? Why have no Christians entered the Lord's thread to reaffirm their allegiance? Anyone would think they don't believe I am Jesus, returned. But why would they doubt so? I have asserted that I am he, and some other people have acknowledged my divinity - so why do they deny me?
