My first encounter with a Pronoun Warrior

I had dinner with some old friends last week - people I see perhaps twice a year. Now granted they're middle-class white Progressive hipsters, so they're always fullsome in expressing their knowledge of the social justice landscape. They use buzzwords and language designed to signal their position in every interaction - regardless of their audience. You could say about them "nice people in many ways, but can be painfully self-righteous.

The upshot, one individual was discussing a son's renewed contact with an ex-girlfriend. I asked if the youngsters were back together, and the parent replied "I'm not sure what it is, given they're non-binary". I naturally replied "they're both non-binary?" (the parent had used the plural ''they", after all). Parent replies, "no, the ex is non-binary .. .so it's they". Confusing enough, but later in the discussion I wanted to clarify something the ex-girlfriend had done professionally, and used her name to simplify things. I was politely but very firmly asked NOT to use her name, but to refer to her specifically as 'they'.

I have no beef with the details of this stuff - at all. Could not possibly care or be interested less, in fact. What's disturbing is the sheer narcissism of demanding that others participate.

I'm curious to know if others have had these encounters - and if so, how you handled it?

PS: How I handled it was to no longer handle it. If people can't keep their narcissism in check long enough to get through a two hour dinner without being confrontational, they're not worthy of ongoing friendship. There are all sorts of flaws that we tolerate in our friends (after all, everyone has 'em!), but narcissism is not a flaw that any of us should tolerate - ever. It's the number one deal breaker.

 

Bump

 

I do what you did and just try to use names as much as possible. What's messed up is you tried to do that and they still "politely" forced you to use the pronoun.

 

That is the chief problem I have with these noxious and poisonous twits. That the rest of should be compelled to play there asinine games along with them. Sorry no I'm not required to play in someone else's fantasy world. Nor is anyone required to join in someone else neurotic/psychotic dream world nor should they.

 

Throw in a few "Let's go Brandon"..... that should thaw the ice.

 

Luckily haven’t spoken to one in person yet. Not looking forward to it. I’m sure I’ll say something snarky because it’s hard to seriously call a singular person a plural without them admitting that they must be mentally ill to believe they’re in fact 2 or more people Inhabiting the same body.

 

They is still a plural pronoun as far as I know, so until it's changed you could simply correct the English of whoever is misusing it.

 

Exactly that!

It was the 'compelled speech' part that blew this right out of the garden-variety narcissism park. To correct-then-demand, is about as gracious as stealing from your guests' wallets while they're in the powder room.

There was a grown-up way to handle the confusion over the plural "they" of course - simply state that "apparently that's what the individual prefers", and leave it at that. How one individual talking about another individual's personal dramas, can morph into a reprimand of completely unconnected person in a completely unconnected context, is only probably understood by fellow narcissists.

 

Considering the company, that would have been hilarious!

 

If you knew the people involved, you would understand why that would have been as welcome as a MAGA hat. I go back a long way with this group - since before they grew middle-aged bored with their middle-class lives, and embraced Wokism - but still, that would be a bridge too far . I'm really only tolerated for three reasons - I'm a loyal friend, I'm the only one in the group who actually mixes with non-whites, and I'm way more Left than they are (and they know it). Keep in mind these types are partial to 'socialism' and saving brown folk.

 

Nobody on earth is really non-binary.
But some are so terrible self-centered that they want to be something special at all costs.

 

It seems that takes a lot of courage now in the US of today.

 

Not yet - thank God!

 

Your turn will come. The narcissism which drives the entire 'gender' thing, is enabled at every turn.

 

They don't just want to be special, they want to dictate how the world responds to them. And worse, it seems they also want to recruit others to do the dictating on their behalf. There must be considerable payoff to such egos, to know that strangers are being bent to their will by their team of acolytes.

 

We also have that gender nonsense in Germany.
Luckily in the German language the words for "they" and "she" are the same: "sie".
So the gender idiots cannot play that "they-game".

 

It's best to ignore it for as long as possible, and when you can no longer ignore it, use names. Anyone who denies you the use of someone else's name (which is what happened to me), should not stay on your Xmas card list.

 

Nor on my Easter card list!
Yes, some of us Germans still send Easter cards.

 

I'm an old school liberal, this non binary stuff is crap. The woke left is destroying the Democratic party. Pisses me off.

Really.

 

That’s why trump is a perpetual loser.
But I do agree that ridiculous pronouns are unacceptable.
I do not refer to individuals as ‘they’. That is a plural noun, and language is supposed to communicate clearly.
If someone needs to de-gender a pronoun, let them come up with an acceptable singular and plural form, not some idiotic mishmash that just confuses everyone.
The lunatic left and the lunatic right are cut from the same stupid self absorbed cloth.
It’s time to stop letting the inmates try to run the asylum.

 

Why is it not OK to use their name?

 

You’re a better man than I am. People like that aren’t in my social circle. If I discovered someone was, they would be disowned faster than **** comes out of a goose. Delete these people from your life. It’s evil and it’s destroying society.

 

I'd be inclined to use a more correct descriptor, like "So, how are the a**holes doing lately?".

 

That makes absolutely zero sense so my instinct is that there is some confusion, misunderstanding or further information not available here.

I naturally discover the names and terms any person I'm talking to or about prefer and use them from that point on. For example, if I'm introduced to a Johnathon, I'll find out if they prefer to go by Johnathon, John, Jonny, Jack or whatever and use that name for them going forwards. Regardless of the specifics, it's never been significant enough for me to get angry over.