Original corona virus humor

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Phil, Mar 23, 2020.

  1. Phil

    Phil Well-Known Member

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    Everything I'm about to post is from my own brain.
    Great leaders of the past react to COVID 19
    Franklin Roosevelt: The only thing we have to fear is COVID19.
    Harry Truman: The virus stops here.
    Winston Churchill: This is Corona's finest hour.
    Dwight Eisenhower: Beware the Corona virus complex.
    John Kennedy: Ask not what the corona virus can do to you, ask what you can do to the corona virus.
    Martin Luther King, JR.: I have a dream that someday my four little children will live in a land where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their saliva.
    Patrick Henry: Give me the corona virus, then give me death.
    Thomas Jefferson: We declare that these viruses are, and of right ought to be, free and independent germs.
    Nathan Hale: I only regret that I have only one virus to spread in my country.
    Mark Twain: Reports of the corona virus have been greatly exaggerated.
    Queen Victoria: We are not infected.
    Richard Nixon: I am not a virus.
    Neil Armstrong: That's one small germ for a man, one giant paranoia for mankind.


    How would Lyndon Johnson deal with the virus?
    Lift it up by the ears.

    Bernie is discovering the country keeping socialist distance from his policies.

    Is this the best time ever for India's untouchables?

    West Virginia finally has one case of COVID19. I think it was a Virginian still angry about the Civil War crossed the border and sneezed on everyone.

    Massachusetts hit 500 cases over the weekend. As usual, the state is desperately trying to compete with New York. Maybe Governor Baker can tell Cuomo to send his patients across the border so Massachusetts can catch up. Cuomo should let them go to Vermont too, because Vermont deserves whatever it gets.

    Songs:
    To the tune of Somewhere my Love:
    COVID 19 is ruining everything.
    Thousands are dead. More will be dead by spring.
    They're telling everyone to stay home.
    I heard, the Vatican shut down Rome.

    To the tune of Call Me:
    Covid, oh Covid 19
    Covid's spreading everywhere
    Covid, oh Covid 19
    Cause it travels through the air.

    To the tune of Tiger by the Tail:
    I've got corona virus now. I think I do.
    Better get a check up. I might have given it to you.
    I've got chills and fever and confined to my bed,
    And don't be surprised if soon you hear I'm dead.

    To the tune of Daydream Believer:
    I've got COVID 19.
    You know what that might mean,
    So go get a checkup if a symptom is seen.

    To the tune of True Love:
    I give to you and you give to me COVID COVID.
    For you and I have the awful illness, and nothing we can do
    But just sit at home and wait to die. That makes me feel blue.

    To the tune of Are you strong enough to be my Man:
    Hard to move and hard to breathe,
    Can't even sew, no sweater weave.
    Might die in a day or 2.
    That's all from me. What's up with you.

    To the tune of Top of the World:
    Such a feelin's comin' over me;
    Gettin' hard to sing and hard to see.
    Snot's pouring from my nose,
    gettin' numb in my toes,
    And I haven't even heard the doctor's fee.
    I've got corona virus, worst germ in God's creation
    And the only consolation
    I can find
    Is this world has gone mad,
    So I won't be too sad
    To depart from this planet so unkind.

    To the tune of Imagine:
    Imagine there's a Heaven and you might be there soon,
    But more likely Hell is waitin', specially if you're a goon.
    Imagine all the people sheltering in place.
    You may call me an alarmist,
    And I'm not the only one,
    Because this panic may just kill us
    Before the virus' work is done.
     
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  2. FatBack

    FatBack Well-Known Member

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  3. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    People hoarding TP should be getting shitloads of complaints.

    Preferably in paper bags, doused with lighter fluid and lit on their front doorstep after ringing the doorbell.
     
  4. FatBack

    FatBack Well-Known Member

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    This stupid girl on our local FB page is trash talking people for advocating staying out of crowds, saying things like "you shut ins are living in fear" "i'm not at risk" " I refuse to change my lifestyle" etc. We have our first confirmed case in our county, today and morons like her will spread it. I'm continually underwhelmed by some folks.
     
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  5. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    There will always be idiots.
     
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  6. Curious Always

    Curious Always Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  7. Phil

    Phil Well-Known Member

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    classic movie lines adapted to the COVID epidemic.

    PBC: Godfather: My father gave him a virus he couldn’t survive.

    Godfather II: Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, so you can give them the corona virus.

    Jaws: You’re gonna need a bigger mask.

    Airplane: Can you catch this virus and survive it?

    Thelma and Louise: Let’s not get the virus.

    Gone with the Wind: I’ll never get the virus again.

    Casablanca: Don’t get on that plane or you’ll regret it. There’s a travel ban.

    The Scarlet Pimpernel: You can put on your mask, Sir Percy.

    Batman: Stop the virus! What’s that?

    Star Wars: Use the virus.

    The Last of Sheila: You’re not the only one who has the virus.

    Psycho: A boy’s best friend is his virus.

    On the Waterfront: I coulda been a COVID 19 surviva.

    Rebecca: The first time I contracted COVID 19…

    Planet of the Apes: We’ve had enough COVID for a while.
     
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  8. Curious Always

    Curious Always Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  9. Curious Always

    Curious Always Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  10. Curious Always

    Curious Always Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  11. Phil

    Phil Well-Known Member

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    Humphrey Bogart corona virus lines:
    Don't get on the plane or you'll regret it. There's a travel ban.
    We'll always have the virus.
    I don't know what viruses have been spread in this courtroom.
    There was a virus.
    Here's looking at your mask, kid.
    Of all the viruses in all the world, she gets corona.
    Quarantine it, Sam.
    You really did spread the virus, didn't you?
    Here's the virus he tried to infect me with.
    The little countries too: Belgium, England.
    They're waiting for their test results.
    You've got me, but I've got the corona virus.
     
  12. gorfias

    gorfias Well-Known Member

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  13. gorfias

    gorfias Well-Known Member

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    upload_2020-3-27_12-0-9.png
     
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  14. jay runner

    jay runner Banned

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    I've heard that some people are using bicycle cable locks to secure their toilet paper from thieves.
     
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  15. jay runner

    jay runner Banned

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    Extinction Rebellion: Humanity is the problem and Coronavirus is the cure.

    Oops! They're not joking.
     
  16. Curious Always

    Curious Always Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  17. Phil

    Phil Well-Known Member

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    Duet to the tune of I had the time of my life:
    Baritone: I've had the time of my life
    Being quarantined all month with you.
    It's been so much fun
    Played board games and won,
    Now you owe me a thing or 2.
    Alto: Being confined to our house,
    Fin'ly caught that blasted mouse,
    Made things clean as they can be.
    Kept you sober ev'ry day,
    For the first time saw you pray.
    That was ecstasy!
    Baritone: Now I love you more than ever before,
    Alto: Washed the windows, you even scrubbed the floor.
    Baritone: I'll remember this quarantine all my life,
    First time in years, glad I made you my wife.
    Alto: I'll remember how you cleaned the fridge and the stove.
    I'll always cherish this first sweater that you wove.
    Both: We'll remember, we'll remember.
    Alto: COVID 19, you have salvaged our marriage.
    Baritone: COVID 19, whatever happens next we can manage.
    Both: Because we had the time of our lives,
    Cooped up in this old house for a month!
    Alto: It has been so great.
    Baritone: We stayed up so late.
    Both: We'll remember
    Loving forever
    Loving forever.
     
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  18. Phil

    Phil Well-Known Member

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    COVID 19 songs to a James Bond medley:
    Live and let Die:

    When you were young you thought that nothing could ever kill ya.
    You know you did. You know you did. You know you did.
    But times have changed, and now you see the thing that scares ya.
    And they gave it a name:
    COVID 19
    COVID 19
    COVID 19
    COVID 19
    The virus is sure to get ya, cause it travels thru the air
    And could land anywhere.
    Yes it could land anywhere!

    Goldfinger:

    Corona:
    That's the germ that gets you in its deadly touch,
    And hurts you so much!
    Corona:
    Makes it hard to even catch your breath,
    And it could bring death.

    You only live Twice:

    Corona virus, as it is called,
    May soon kill us all
    Young, old, hairy or bald.
    This deadly disease strikes all the time,
    Innocent children, or men guilty of crime.

    Underneath the mango Tree:

    Underneath blankets and sheets,
    fev'rish from head to feet,
    I struggle to breathe.
    Can't sleep and I can't get well,
    I feel sick as Hell.
    That's all I can tell.

    For your eyes Only:

    Corona virus might kill you very soon.
    Corona virus, by day or light of Moon.
    It saps so much strength from you,
    There's not much you can do.
    And that's why we all feel so very blue.

    Nobody does it Better:

    How to avoid the virus? Stay away from big events.
    Keep your hands clean and stay close to air vents.
    We weren't lookin' for a new pandemic,
    But now we have to hide inside.
    That won't keep it from comin',
    But just keep on runnin'.
    And you just might escape this vile disease.
     
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  19. Phil

    Phil Well-Known Member

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    Fractured Bible stories adjusted for COVID 19
    Jesus was crucified for having too many people at the last supper.
    In that day 7 women will say to one man, "We have toilet paper. Marry us.
    Jehu got all the COVID 19 patients in one big building, locked the doors and killed them all.
    Samson tore down the building because they exceeded the population warning.
    From Proverbs: The sluggard says, "There's corona virus in the street."
    Daniel was thrown into the lions' den for holding meetings during the pandemic.
    Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were thrown into the oven for refusing to shelter in place.
    The tenth plague of Egypt was the corona virus.
    The Apostles said, abstain from people with the sniffles, wash your hands and don't assemble in big groups.

    COVID 19 impacts Agatha Christie stories:
    13 at Dinner: Cops come in, disperse the assembly. The host has to drink the poison.
    Murder on the Orient Express: The 12 killers postpone the kill because they only allow 10 on the Calais Coach.
    And then there were None: The cops disperse the 10 after dinner but before the drunk drinks the poison. "I was planning to reduce the number meself" thinks the Judge.

    Disney songs:
    It's a small world after All:
    It's a small germ after all.
    It's a small germ after all.
    It's a small germ after all.
    It's a small, small germ.
    Corona virus is neutral, kills ev'ryone.
    It will kill you too, before it is done.
    There's nothing you can do.
    Just wait 'til it gets you.
    In the meantime have some fun.

    Zip a dee doo Da:
    Zip a dee doo da, Zip a dee a
    Who's gonna catch the virus today?
    Plenty of spittum coming your way.
    Zip a dee doo da zip a dee a.

    Following the Leader:
    We're gonna catch corona, corona, corona.
    We're gonna catch corona virus pretty soon.
    Breathe in, breathe out.
    Open wide your mouth.
    You're gonna catch corona, corona virus soon.

    Pink elephants on Parade:
    I've never been afraid to die
    And go to my Maker in the sky
    But COVID 19 is one thing that I really fear.
    What can I do?
    What can I do?
    The virus is striking me and you.

    Mickey Mouse Club Theme:
    What's the virus from the east that's making all the fuss?
    C-O-R-O-N-A. That's the big virus.
    Corona
    H1N1
    Corona
    Legionaire's
    This virus will put many in the sky, sky sky sky
     
  20. FrankCapua

    FrankCapua Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
    mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears ans gives him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body
    and feet,"

    He struggles to ask again,"Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his
    testicles, she overcomes herr embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

    She raises his gown, holds his

    manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir, they look fine."
    much. That was wonderful. Now listen very very closely:

    "Are-my-test-results-back?"
    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very
     
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  21. FrankCapua

    FrankCapua Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Computer screwed up the lines
     
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  22. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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  23. Phil

    Phil Well-Known Member

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    Andrew Lloyd Weber lyrics adjusted for COVID
    I don't know how to love Him:
    I don't know how to fight this,
    How to deal with all these symptoms.
    It's a germ.
    It's just a germ.
    I've survived so many germs before.
    Why can't I survive this?
    It's just one more.

    Don't cry for me, Argentina:
    I might soon die, Argentina
    From this dreaded COVID 19.
    I tried to fight it but it got me anyways.
    I've got the virus,
    So keep your distance.
    I've got the virus,
    So keep your distance.

    Music of the Night:
    Coughing, sneezing,
    First fever, then I'm freezing.
    Chills and gasping,
    Pain and problems grasping.
    I keep getting weaker,
    Outlook getting bleaker.
    I may be dead by this time tomorrow night.
     
  24. Phil

    Phil Well-Known Member

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    Beatles and COVID 19:

    Michele:
    Michele,
    My belle,
    Died and I'm afraid she went to Hell,
    Poor Michele.
    I loved her.
    I loved her.
    I loved her.
    Now someone else I love has the virus too.
    If I lose them both I don't know what I'll do.

    Hard day's Night:
    It's been many a night
    Since they first told us to stay home.
    I want to take a flight,
    Perform in Paris, maybe Rome,
    But I'm confined to my estate
    Where I must sit and wait,
    Although I feel alright.
    My estate has 40 acres of land,
    20 cars and 40 horses all grand,
    But I would gladly leave,
    Just for one night on the town,
    I'd cough into my sleeve,
    But it's no use. It's all shut down.
    So I've got nothing to do,
    But write a new song or 2
    Although I feel alright.

    Life goes On:
    Casualties are mounting high in the UK,
    China, Korea, Spain and USA.
    Corona virus is taking a toll up to the skies,
    La la la la death counts rise.
    Ob la dee, ob la die death counts rise,
    La la la la death counts rise.

    All you need is Love:
    Kill that blasted germ.
    Kill that blasted germ.
    Kill that blasted germ.
    Kill that blasted germ.
    Germ germ germ.
    Germ germ germ.
    Germ germ germ.
    Germ germ germ.

    Yesterday:
    Yesterday
    I thought ev'rything would be ok.
    Now I've got the virus. Die I may,
    Unless they find a cure some way.
    Why they ate those bats I don't know.
    It's hard to say.
    How it spread to me I don't know,
    But go away,
    Virus go away.

    I wanna hold your Hand:
    They say, "Keep your distance.
    Don't go near beast or man."
    I feel great resistence.
    I want to hold your hand.
    Please let me hold your hand.
    Please let me hold your hand.
    I swear I don't have corona.
    Not even cold or flu.
    I would never give it to ya,
    Cause you know I love you.
    Please let me hold your hand.
    Please let me hold your hand.

    Something:
    Something in the way I'm shiv'ring
    Tells me this isn't just a cold.
    Something in the way I'm shaking.
    I've got corona now.
    Got it but don't know how.
    This could be the end for me.
     
  25. Phil

    Phil Well-Known Member

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    Classic tv shows return for corona virus episode:
    Love Boat:
    Captain Steubing prepares to retire. They give him a big party and retell classic stories. His last cruise begins with an all-star cast. They learn of the virus and have to remain asea for over 2 months. Everyone leaves happy.

    Gilligan's Island:
    A group of wealthy Californians grow restless during the lockdown and set out in a yacht. They enjoy every pleasure for over a month, hearing as the lockdown gets extended. running low on water, they decide to go ashore on one of the islands they passed. They find Mary Ann and Ginger. The girls tell them of their life on the island, using clips from the series, films and update shows. Still unable to return to California, they take the girls to Mexico.

    Beverly Hillbillies:
    Only Jethro remains, over 80, alone in the mansion. He hears about the pandemic and recall's Granny's recipe. He mixes it up with great difficulty. Because he's so rich, no one stops him from visiting area nursing homes. Everyone gets better, but he runs out of the serum and has to mix up more. He accidentally blows up the mansion and the recipe.

    Route 66:
    The surviving actor (George Maharis) gives a long, teary oration at his old friend's funeral. A few scenes reveal his present family situation. In the early part of the outbreak, he goes to the hospital for routine treatment on one of his medical problems. They discover he has the virus. Unwilling to be restrained, he escapes the hospital, rents the fastest car he can find and sets out in search of a few more kicks on Route 66.

    Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman:
    Obviously since the show was set in the 1870s, Dr. Quinn is not around in 2020. However she did live past 100 and told the stories to her greatgranddaughter. That lady just retired as chief of surgery at Denver's biggest hospital. Reading about the virus, she recalls Dr. Quinn's stories, especially the season one epidemic episode. She returns to work with a plan.

    Early Edition:
    He's still getting tomorrow's newspaper today. Again and again he tries to think ways to help in the corona virus, but since it takes a week to get diagnosed, he feels helpless. One day he does see the type of problem he can solve, but he has to join a big crowd. The police arrest him for exceeding the cluster limit. With the virus spreading he remains at the precinct. No lawyers will go there. Then a suspect gets diagnosed with the illness, so they all have to stay. He tells a policeman he needs to get out, revealing his secrets. The officer refuses again and again for days. However, he tells him someone needs to fered the cat. The officer is a huge fan of O.J. Simpson, so he wants to save the cat. There he finds all the newspapers, confirming the story. When the cop returns to the precinct, he learns the hero has contracted the virus and is in the hospital. He has to wait until an emergency brings him there and talks to the dying hero. The next morning he gets tomorrow's newspaper, inheriting the job.
    That should become a new series. The cop is not nice though, and abuses his power up to lethal force at times to change the headlines. His fellow officers and the Mayor don't mind, but the entity in charge objects and in the last episode visits him and takes away the newspaper subscription. That entity replaces him with a more humble person, so in season 2 that new designee works with the officer.
    This can continue forever, like Dr. Who.
     

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