Puntastic!

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Orwell, Jun 9, 2017.

  1. Orwell

    Orwell Active Member

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    A girl with a lazy eye broke my heart.

    It turns out she was seeing someone else all along.


    Now over to you?
     
  2. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    You haven't - you DIDN'T

    Start a pun thread :D

    'S my weakness - and fair warning - I believe in the three levels of puns - first there is the groan the third is where people run fleeing from your vicinity holding thier noses but between those two is the most delicious reaction of all - the pause - often accompanied by crossed eyes but it is pure delight

    So a pure Aussie pun

    There is an outback town here called "Mercy" which is known for making the best tea in the world - it is sold under the name of "Koala Tea". Now to make it you have to put it straight into a "billy can" (large tin cook pot which goes over an open fire) then when the water is hot pour the tea mixture straight into your cup - without straining or filtering because

    And get ready for this

    "The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained"

    :D :D :D :D
     
  3. Orwell

    Orwell Active Member

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    For me the first rule of pun is to always laugh heartily following saying the pun. Always.
     
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  4. Orwell

    Orwell Active Member

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    My snare, bass, and cymbal just fell down the stairs.

    Ba, boom, tish...............
     
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  5. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    Then there is the one about Sandcrab and Mudcrab. There were beasties but two opposites where Mudcrab was a stay at home who liked playing the harp Sandcrab owned a Discotech and was out all hours. Sandcrab used to beg Mudcrab tocome out with him. Finally he did but on the condition he took his harp with him. The next day Sandcrab saw Mudcrab who looked very upset. He asked him what was wrong and Mudcrab answered


    "I left my harp in Sandcrab disco"
     
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  6. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    I have heard this one before

    The story of Mary Poppins as a nanny is well known. Less well-known is her subsequent tale....

    She traveled to Hollywood, where she opened a shop on Sunset Boulevard as a fortune-teller. Of course we already know she has supernatural powers, so it's no surprise that she was quite skilled in fortune-telling, and her reputation grew rapidly.

    She continued to tell fortunes, and found that in particular, she always received a very strong premonition whenever someone was about to have an onset of bad breath. Her predictions of this turned out to be accurate 100% of the time. In order to publicise her success at this, she had a large sign placed above her door, which read:

    Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
     
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  7. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    I love pun threads. I submitted 10 separate puns on another site once, hopping they would get Likes. No pun in ten did.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2017
  8. Maquiscat

    Maquiscat Well-Known Member

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    What did the interrogator call the halfling with damage resistance and pain tolerance feats?

    A hard hobbit to break.
     
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  9. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    Errrrrgh!!
    [​IMG]
     
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  10. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
     
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  11. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    B
    Boom , Tish!
     
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  12. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    It was a rainy night and a travelling knight who was riding a large dog pulled up outside an inn. The innkeeper said " enter. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this".
     
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  13. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    The Basque people built an opera house. Beautiful, but only had one door. Unfortunately, on opening night there was a huge fire and many people perished. The headline in the paper the next day said" don't put all your basques in one exit."
     
  14. Orwell

    Orwell Active Member

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    What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?

    I don't know.................But the Flag is a big Plus.
     
  15. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    Early Science fiction magazines like Astounding fiction regularly had a segment called "Through Time and Space with Ferdinand Feghoot"

    Here is an example

    https://www.thoughtco.com/feghoot-word-play-term-1690790
     
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  16. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    A landscape gardener accidentally cut his dogs tail off with the hedge clippers. The dog died and went to heaven but St Bernard wouldn't let him in without his tail. The dog was allowed to return to life to retrieve his tail. He found his master coming out of the pub as it was closing time and woofed and barked his request to the man. His master said" you can't retail spirits after hours".
     
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  17. Derideo_Te

    Derideo_Te Well-Known Member

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    As a well known pundit hoo can tern a phrase ore too I prefer canned or fresh from the sauce.

    [​IMG]

    Moving on...as a child of the 60's Timothy Leary is reputed to have uttered the immortal "Give me Librium or give me Meth"!
     
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  18. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    What about this one I found?
    A man is out walking on a warm day along the edge of a remote pond. He is on the bank enjoying the view when he suddenly loses his footing and falls into the pond. The water is not deep but he does have to struggle to make it safely back to shore. He climbs out, dripping wet, and notices that his wallet is not in his pocket.

    As he ponders the pond, wondering whether he should jump back in and search for his wallet, lo, what wonders appear! As he is looking at the surface of the water, he sees a school of large carp chasing something around.

    One carp emerges at water surface and what does he have in its mouth but the guy's wallet! Suddenly another carp appears at the surface and the first carp flips the wallet to the second carp who catches it in his mouth. Then a third fish appears and on and on it goes.

    After watching amazed for several hours, he decided to report this strange behaviour to the experts, but they told him it was a well known phenomenon - it is known as carp-to-carp walleting.
     
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  19. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Or this?
    I was visiting France, and while in Paris I decided to take a guided tour around the beautiful cathedral on the banks of the Seine. As we were being shown around the building, all of a sudden I spotted a sandwich box lying on the floor.

    So I picked it up, and handed it to the guide. He was very apologetic, and hurried off with it. After a few minutes, I could hear him calling up the bell tower:
    "Quazimodo! You left your sandwich box lying around again!"

    When the guide returned, he apologised again, and when we asked him about the sandwiches, he said: "Don't worry about it... it's just the Lunchpack of Notredame."
     
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  20. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Has everyone else fizzled out?
    I was reminded of Piers Anthony whose books were riddled with puns. I remember the thermocouples dancing together.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2017
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  21. Orwell

    Orwell Active Member

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    What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

    "Tennish"
     
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  22. Derideo_Te

    Derideo_Te Well-Known Member

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  23. Derideo_Te

    Derideo_Te Well-Known Member

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  24. Derideo_Te

    Derideo_Te Well-Known Member

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  25. Skruddgemire

    Skruddgemire Well-Known Member

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    I used to enjoy Beastiality, Necrophilia and BDSM. At least I was until the day I realized that all I was doing was beating a dead horse.

    We need cows that are into Divination. That way we can scry over spilled milk.

    What do you call it when it's Frost Giant mating season? A double-on-tundra.
     
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