"The days of the digital watch are numbered." Tom Stoppard Funny, Tom Stoppard wrote one of my favorite plays - Arcadia. I told a friend I had seen the play. He was thrilled and said he was glad I finally got my nose out of the books and did something besides math and physics. "What was the play about?", he asked. "Math and Physics", I replied.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I made a comment to a buddy that when it comes to fracking, we have natural gas [a byproduct of fracking] coming out of our butts. But then we really do have natural gas coming out of our butts.
That reminds me of the woman they found dead in a bathtub full of milk. They suspect it's a cereal killer.
Did you hear about Artie the discount assassin, who advertised in the the supermarket? It said "Artichokes 3 for $1"
Anyone who understands Quantum Mechanics hasn’t yet studied it long enough. -Richard P. Feynman The wonderful love of a beautiful maid, The love of a staunch true man, The love of a baby unafraid, Have existed since life began. But the greatest love, the love of loves, Even greater than that of a mother, Is the tender, passionate, infinite love, Of one drunken bum for another.
As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos, and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be born 17 inches long," To which Reynoldo replied, "Do you know the weight, too, San Jose?
Just for that... A man had a very offensive clone who was always cursing and swearing. One day the man got so fed up, that he took the clone to the roof and threw him off. He was later arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
A Dog Named Mace There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".
My dog was always eating grass. I often had to follow him around for days before I could get it back and smoke it.
Found this one. A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link.
There is an island in the Pacific Ocean which is off limits to all visitors, It has been studied intensively though as there is a bird that lives on that island. The bird is known as the Foo bird it has droppings so vile that if it comes in contact with your skin you will die. This has been the subject of intense investigation by scientists who found it was not the contact with the skin that caused death but the reaction of the mixture of skin and air when the bird dropping was removed. The scientific announcement remains as an iconic recommendation "When the Foo shits wear it"
Reminds me of the story about the thief who broke into the police station and stole all the toilets The press reported that the police had nothing to go on Hear about the man who stole a trolley load of licorice and bran? Police report he is still on the run
And of course there is the one about how positive ions make you feel happy which has to be true because they are Cat ions!!
Teacher asks the class for a sentence using the word horticulture, little Geordy shouts out, me miss, You can take a whore ti culture but you cant make her read.
