Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Moi621, Apr 14, 2020.

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  1. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
    "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears."This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
    I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
    "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?”
     
  2. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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  3. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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  4. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I remember years ago where readers sent their letters into the newspaper, the topic was what kids said.

    One lady wrote in to say she was with her young daughter and her neighbour came round with a plate cake for them, her daughter said, "Mummy, are you going to put this one in the bin as well?"

    How to be thrown under the bus by 'charming' children.
     
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  5. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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  6. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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  7. ToddWB

    ToddWB Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I have developed a new talent in these waining years of my life.. I can now fall asleep sitting on the toilet.
     
  8. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    The problem is your right leg invariably falls asleep too and raising a cheek to wipe is damn near impossible.
    You ask how do I know?
    Um...er...ah...exactly!!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2023
  9. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    And then someone hears you pounding on the floor trying to get your foot working again and rushes in to help. The laughter is somehow evil and out comes the phone camera. You begin to hear laughter coming from it and you realize your asleep right leg is now being streamed on the net.
    So many divorces could have been avoided by a little civil restraint.
     
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  10. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    No offence intended!

    The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

    The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.

    Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

    The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.
     
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  11. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  12. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    @Sallyally I bought some swimming goggles today to help my sex life. The pepper spray was hurting my eyes.
     
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  13. zalekbloom

    zalekbloom Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  14. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  15. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    You’re a sad lad.
     
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  16. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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  17. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Never Squat With Your Spurs on

    Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot
    Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political/country/cowboy sages
    this country has ever known.
    Here are some of his sayings:
    1 Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
    2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
    3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
    4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
    5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
    6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
    7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back
    into your pocket.
    8. There are three kinds of men:
    The ones that learn by reading.
    The few who learn by observation.
    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
    9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
    bad judgment.
    10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
    and then to make sure it's still there.
    11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n than puttin'
    it back in.
    12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
    started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
     
  18. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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  19. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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  20. James California

    James California Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  21. Montegriffo

    Montegriffo Well-Known Member

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  22. signalmankenneth

    signalmankenneth Well-Known Member

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  23. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Very funny.
     
  24. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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  25. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I have a Grandson who's 4 years old and he can't say please in Spanish. That's poor for four.
     
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