Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Moi621, Feb 21, 2019.

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  1. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    Aww, c'mon don't be modest.
     
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  2. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
    when behind him, he hears
    Bump...
    BUMP...
    BUMP...
    Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
    BUMP...
    BUMP...
    BUMP...
    Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
    quickly behind him
    FASTER...
    FASTER...
    BUMP...
    BUMP...
    BUMP...
    He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

    However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
    clapping-clappity-BUMP...
    clappity-BUMP...
    clappity-BUMP...
    on his heels, the terrified man runs.

    Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

    With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
    Bumping and clapping toward him.
    The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

    Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

    and.......

    The coffin stops
     
  3. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    A couple buy an old house to renovate it but the first night they were there at the stroke of midnight they were woken to the sound

    Rap
    Rap
    Rap

    Thinking it was the door they hurried down but no one was there

    The next night they heard it again and this time they thought it was the cellar

    Again no one was there

    This went on for a week each night they checked a differntnare of the house finally they heard it again and this time there was no where else to look so they tried the attic

    In a dar corner they saw an old wooden chest


    Slowly they approached


    Timidly they opened the lid and inside they found.......














    Three sheets of wrapping paper!:p
     
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  4. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    Yeah! The bloody Gidgee wouldn’t burn!
    Pretty spectacular lightning displays too
    upload_2019-10-8_23-7-0.jpeg
    upload_2019-10-8_23-8-38.jpeg
     
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  5. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Okay, so there was this dude, right? He wanted to kill his wife, but he didn't know how to go about it. So he went to his local bar and asked the bartender who to go to with dirty deeds. The tender points to some sketchy guy in the corner and says, "That's Artie. He'll knock off your wife for a dollar." Thrilled, the dude approached him, paid him up front and arranged everything, told him where to go and stuff. So the next day, our anti-hero, Artie came in through the backdoor using a spare key. He went into the bedroom and stranged the dude's wife. But before he could escape, the wife's lover comes out of the bathroom and spots him. Artie chokes him too. Then, he's about to leave when the son comes home early from work. Sadly, he gets strangled as well.

    So Artie's on his way out, but one of the neighbors heard the commotion and called the cops. Artie gets caught outside and is arrested. The newspaper headlines the next day read, "Arti chokes three for a dollar".
     
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  6. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    Ps most spectacular weather events happen around November at a place called Burketown on the Gulf of Carpentaria (for you yanks that is the bottom of the squarish looking bit missing out of the top of Australia:p

    It is a phenomena called the “Morning Glory”
    upload_2019-10-8_23-14-7.jpeg

    Lucky hang glider surfing the cloud front
    upload_2019-10-8_23-15-18.jpeg
     

    Attached Files:

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  7. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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  8. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
    Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
    Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
    Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 — No report.

    Enjoy!
     
  9. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
    Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
    Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
    'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

    Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

    'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'
    She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

    And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'
     
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  10. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    So there are these two bees and one bee asks the other, "Where can I get something to eat around here?"
    The second bee replies, "Well, there is a Bar Mitzvah going on down the street, about half a mile, should be plenty of flowers and pastries to eat."
    The first bee thanks him and heads off to the party.
    A little while later, the first bee returns, with a bloated belly and a yarmulke on his head.
    He tells the second bee, "I found it, it was awesome! So many fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!"
    The second bee asks him, "So what's with the yarmulke? Did you convert?"
    The first bee replies, "I wore it so they wouldn't think I was a wasp."
     
  11. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    I used to make a chili that I required people to sign a release form including next of kin contacts before I'd serve them.
     
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  12. Blaster3

    Blaster3 Well-Known Member

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    :roflol::roflol::roflol:
    stolen & shared...
    thank you for makin my day!
     
  13. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    Take my like, but be ashamed of this pun.
     
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  14. Montegriffo

    Montegriffo Well-Known Member

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    It's not a pun. It's a spoonerism.
     
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  15. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    I googled this. It actually exists.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2019
  16. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    Even Sallyally's wasn't this bad. Take my like for your egregious pun. Are you licensed to carry those concealed? Or do I need to call law enforcement?
     
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  17. Montegriffo

    Montegriffo Well-Known Member

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  18. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    Who is Jack Schitt?

    The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' advice, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock, and wanted to keep her previous name.

    She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
    :d
     
  19. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    I seem to remember reading that one of the Schitt girls married Upton (Up to his friends) Creeke and being a modern guy he added her name to his.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2019
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  20. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    I will have to tell him. LOL!

    Today trump said that when it comes to Turkey, he's pulling out early. Is the same true for chickens and sheep?
     
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  21. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year . . .
    . . . Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

    This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

    Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride.

    If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

    They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

    Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
     
  22. Bowerbird

    Bowerbird Well-Known Member

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    Deleted
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2019
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  23. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    That bad was it?
     
  24. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven . . .
    . . . Upon arrival she is greeted with ceremony and honor and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is prepared for her. She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with Holy Mary, if this is possible.

    Peter agrees on the spot, and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within, and he opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter.

    Inside, sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged Jewish woman in the garb of the first century, knitting. The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet, and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting, and indicates it's OK to ask.

    "Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the mother of God, but if you could, please just give me an inkling of what your first thoughts where when Jesus was born?"

    With a distant look in her eyes she replies, "Well, I was hoping for a girl . . ."
     
  25. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I was speaking to a Jewish girl earlier, we were getting on really well, bit of banter and flirting going on. After a while she asked for my number.....

    ......I told her we use names these days.

    :hiding:
     
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