Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

 

Is it just me or do others find it amusing that the company whose founders were just arrested for campaign fraud while trying to flee the country just hours after meeting with Giuliani who had solicited their assistance in investigating Biden's son is named "Fraud Guarantee". I bet their ads are a hoot. "Need some fraud? Ours comes guaranteed!!"

 

Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?” The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”

 

Two Irish lads were working for the Dublin public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'”

 

DAMN!!!!!
Trump is going to outlive all of us.
Shorter lifespan linked to excessive brain usage.
Well, maybe not all of us and no, I'm not looking at you liberty monkey.

 

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says. . .

. . . "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.

 

I always shout abuse at women wearing a Burqa.

That way they can't identify me...........

 

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain . . .

. . . how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."

 

A young couple had moved into a new house and needed some repair work done. They contacted the local handyman, an Irishman, to do the work. As they are taking him through the house explaining what needed to be done they notice him walking to the window every so often and yelling out “Green side up!”

Puzzled they ask him what he was doing and he answered

“Sure and I have a couple of fellows laying turf next door and I have to keep reminding them

IT’S GREEN SIDE UP!”

 

True story

A tourist walks into a cafe in Ireland and orders a coffee without milk. The girl behind the counter says

“Sure an we don’t have any milk at the moment - would you be wanting that coffee without cream instead?”

Mind you in fairness to the Irish I had my own moment like that when I went into a cafe and asked what they had in the snacks that was low fat. The waitress pointed to the chocolate eclairs


Flabbergasted I asked how could they be low fat and with a straight face she assured me

“There is no fat in them just cream”

I walked away.

There is some dumb too deep to plumb

 

Recently, the first penis transfer was successfully performed. Oddly, the patient has completed his weekly physical therapy

When I was in my early teens I worked at a bakery. My job was to wash dishes, clean the equipment and floors, etc. But we could eat as much of the regular products they made as we wanted. And man oh man, they had super cold chocolate eclairs coming out of their ears. That, and ice-cold milk. Mmmmmmmmm. You also could eat cake icing by the handful just cleaning out the big mixing vats. Sometimes we had enough to have icing wars and try to hit each other in the face with a big glob. It was all high fat, high sugar, and unbelievably good!!!! That was also before I realized I had blood-sugar issues. And I was very athletic, So it was a free-for-all.

 

It was the 4th I think the first was in the mid 2000's it didn't take and the guy had it amputated.

 

John Wayne Bobbitt

 

That's not a transplant but "Reattachment" that's a lot easier


Or so I've been told

 

What I find mystifying is how the heck did they find the detached member in a field? Just how well endowed was he?
Of course that may have been her motivation. To those that think there's no such thing as too big a dick claiming that a baby can make it through I would point out that when the baby is coming out the mother is screaming for morphine and the head of the man that did this to her.

 

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride . . .
. . . "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."

 

Another golfing joke but I think I will let the incomparable Billy Connolly tell the story

 

Thank you....I only have known the "old" Billy....fun to see the young one....

 

While we are on the subject of classic British humour

 

I like

 

I have at least one friend who always greets me with this famous line...

 

Literally the best English movie ever made I saw it at the cinemas in the 90's when it had a "Revival" and many many times since.

Although Carry On At Your Convenience is also pure genius and a close 2nd.

 

Illegal BASE jumper gets snagged in power lines because he’s an idiot
A headlines editor after my own heart.