Tasteless Humor

Apologies for this one.

What's 6 inches and disturbing?

The gap between the eyes on a Down Syndrome kid.

 

My first girlfriend was a dwarf.

I was nuts over her.

 

What's the significance of these numbers. 2, 4, 6, 8, 18, 20, 22, 24

It's the Postman's round in Lockerbie.

 

I believe it hit -35f in Minnesota.

That's nothing, it was -56 in Las Vegas.

 

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Society

 

There once was a snake named Petey.
Petey wasn't a big snake, just so big.
One day Petey got bored and started hissing in his pit.
When Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit she told Petey to go outside the pit to hiss.
So Petey went outside the pit to hiss but after awhile he got bored and went to Mrs. Pots' pit to hiss.
When Mrs. Pots heard Petey hissing in her pit she told Petey not to hiss in her pit. She said if Petey has to hiss in a pit he should go to his own pit to hiss.
Petey cried all the way home.
What's wrong Petey's mother asked.
I went outside to hiss and got tired hissing outside and leaned into Mrs. Pots' pit to hiss. When Mrs. Pots found me hissing in her pit she said that I shouldn't hiss in her pit and should go to my own pit to hiss.
Why that mean old Mrs. Pots. I knew her when she didn't have a pit to hiss in.

I dare you to read it out loud.

 

A clean dirty joke.
Little Tommy and Little Suzy went to her grandparents house. They put in a John Wayne DVD and as in all John Wayne movies he swept the woman in his arms and said "I get what I want when I want it."
This gave Little Tommy ideas and later he swept Little Suzy into his arms and said "I get what I want when I want it."
Little Suzy pushed him away. "You'll get what I got when I get it."

 

They say an American laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

 

The refuse man on his round couldn't find the bin outside a house. So he knocked on the door. Then he knocked again. Then he knocked again

Eventually, a Japanese guy answered. "Harow" said the Japanese guy.

"Hi" said the refuse man, "Where's your bin"

"I've bin on toilet" said the guy.

"No, you misunderstand me, where's your dust bin", said the refuse man.

"I've dust bin on the toilet", said the guy

"No, you misunderstand me, where's your wheely bin", said the refuse man.

"OK", said the guy, "I've wheely bin for a wank".

 

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?" The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"

 

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

Just watching trump supporters explain why they voted for trump. The most common two words - "he said".

I don't care whether the shthole in the shthouse said shthole or shthouse.

 

When interrogated about his Norway comment, trump replied, "I didn't mean just whites! I like gooks too!!!"

 

Bruce was walking down the street on his way to the pub when he saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

 

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."

She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."

 

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

 

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

 

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

 

Fishin' Trip
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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

 

I was just listening to a guy with about four teeth explain that trump is playing four-dimensional chess.

I would bet that Mr Four Teeth doesn't even know how to play chess!

 

What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?

A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat.

 

Bruce's missus has been missing for a week.
He gets a phone call from the cops who are on the case, and they tell him to prepare for the worst.
So Bruce jumps in his ute to get her clothes back from the Op-shop.....