Tasteless Humor

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin!

 

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

“Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.”

“The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”

The book I wish I’d never written is Joan Rivers’s Pop-Up Guide to Gynecology.”

“A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.”

 

A baby seal goes into a bar. The bartender, says: What can I get you to drink, little fellow?” The seal says, “Oh, anything: Just as long as it’s not a Canadian Club!”

 

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York...
... and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

Philly after the Super Bowl.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10156878355818812

 

When the Yankees lost the World Series to Seattle at Seattle it was said,

Yankee fans threw trash on the field
And Seattle fans sorted it.​

 

I gave up on baseball when the greedy players went on strike for the World Series. But I probably should have continued watching so I could see a first ever World Series between two American League teams. Did you mean the playoffs, or did MLB change since I stopped watching?

 

I gave up on all professional sports when
they dropped good sportsmanship as expected behavior.

But, the joke above stands on its' own. ​

 

Why did God create gay men?

So fat girls could dance.

<bada boom, tssss>



​

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today. I asked her, “When’s it due?”

She replied, “I’m not pregnant you rude prick!”

I said, “I meant the bus you fat bitch!”

<bada boom tssss>​

 

This one is true and it happened in my living room last weekend.

We have 4 jack Russell terriers. about every third of fourth day they start bugging me to take them for a walk. I just walk through the house and they bolt for the door. Panting, whining, pacing, wagging their nub of a tail until I give in and take them. I’ve been working 10’s out of town, dark when I leave, dark when I get home. They haven’t had a walk for a week and they are itching to go. So I take them around the forest trail and then back home. They cool down from the walk by pacing around for a while, drink some water and then lay on the living room floor and lick their feet. I’m relaxing with a beer, and all four of these dogs are licking their feet. After about a half hour of listening to them I got irritated and yelled “f’n knock it off, it sounds like a women’s prison in here.” About a half a second later my wife yells back at me from the kitchen “f’n gross!”

I guess you had to be there.

 

Sometimes football fans are inexplicably badly behaved.

 

A woman on a talk show told the following story: She had been using birth control pills but wanted to try "the cap" - a small cap-shaped silicone barrier that is inserted and placed over the cervix, for birth control.

The nurse gave her the cap and apparently an insertion tool of some kind, and told her to practice. She said it is easiest to insert the cap in the squatting position. After the nurse left the room, the woman removed her pants and underwear, squatted, and attempted to insert the cap. She was having a fair degree of difficulty and was getting frustrated, when she looked up and realized the nurse didn't close the door completely. It had swung open and everyone in the waiting room could see her!

 

Poor woman, how mortifying!

 

Might I suggest a foursome?

 

You need to do something with your hair first.

 

I WAS HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY. Leave me alone. I'll be over in the corner if anyone needs me.

 

Yeah, but she was laughing about it.

One time my mother walked in on my GF and I when I was only about 17.

I was mortified but my GF wanted to keep going. LOL! Yeah right! Once your mother sees you having sex it takes a month to get another erection.

 

You poor thing! Did you have trouble meeting Mum's eye for a while?

 

Heh, probably. I know nothing was ever said - EVER!

 

Do you know what the Japanese do when they have an erection? They vote!

 

It's funny to think about. My father would have gone ballistic! I can only imagine the scene he would have made had he walked in. But my mother was cool about things like this. Years later I learned that my mother was quite the hellion when she was young. So she was always very forgiving of my wildness. Mom covered for me a lot back then! LOL!

My dad was always hard on me. I eventually learned that he did things when he was young that I NEVER EVER would have done. He always assumed I was as bad as he was, but I wasn't. He did some crazy sht! I know when he was in the Air Force, he drove his car through the wall of a bar to stop a fight.

He spent a lot of time in Japan during his time in the service. He had a girlfriend over there [didn't know my mother yet] and went to her [parent's] house for dinner one night. Back then they still had some very traditional Japanese homes, with paper walls. He got too drunk and fell through a wall.

He seemed to have a problem with walls.

 

Parents never think that their kids will do things that the parents did.
I think it's something to do with the gradual decrease in acuity of ones senses. Can't account for it otherwise.

 

I owned a campus joint at one time. One of the young ladies working for me got a surprise visit from dad. She brought him to meet me first and called her house from the restaurant telling her roommates she'd be coming home shortly WITH HER FATHER. Emphasizing that last bit. I gave them a ride to her house that she shared with some of my other workers. When we pulled up we saw a mass exodus onto the back porch and as we entered the house her father said after taking a deep breath "Nothing like the smell of fresh burnt hemp". She was mortified until he added "Now lets go fuc* with them." Which they merrily did.

Somehow kids forgot that their parents went to college in the '60s and '70s. Did they think their parents were the only ones not enjoying free love and drugs?

 

Only one joint?

 

Every generation thinks they invented sex.

I think this results in large part because many western societies are so anal about sex. In many cultures, and throughout much of human history, the kids were very much aware of their parent's sexual activities. Consider for example the longhouses where everyone slept in a common room. Everyone knew about everyone else's sex lives! Sex was seen as the natural part of life that it is, and not something that needs to be hidden or to be embarrassed about.