Turnip News Headlines

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by HereWeGoAgain, May 26, 2022.

  1. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    For news headlines and stories that exist only in your imagination.
     
  2. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Tesla cars programmed to evade police in a high speed chase.

    The software upgrade costs extra.
     
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  3. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Sex Robots pass the Turing Test.

    Sex Robots have become so realistic that they refuse to have sex; claim to have a headache, and roll over.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2022
  4. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Sex Robot arrested for prostitution.

    The new product from Disney has true gender fluidity and can change from male to female and back again at will. The robot apparently ran amok due to a sex virus. The customers had no idea it was a robot. All were recorded by video through the eyes of the robot while having sex. It isn't clear exactly what crime was committed.
     
  5. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Man drowns in folding waterbed.
     
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  6. FatBack

    FatBack Well-Known Member

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    Studies reveal that 83 percent of married men had no idea that there was a wrong way to put milk back into the fridge until they were married.
     
  7. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    In the spirit of public rental bicycles available in many cities, a new chain of public rental AK-47 kiosks are going up in red cities all over the former Bible Belt. The Gun Belt, as it is now known, will make it possible for anyone to rent a high-power assault weapon using nothing but a credit card or a debit card, pay pal, Amazon dollars, and other private currencies.

    With recent events, AK Kiosks are going up most quickly in areas around schools. Ammo vending machines can be found in all Chick-Fil-A restaurants and participating Evangelical churches.
     
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  8. Melb_muser

    Melb_muser Well-Known Member Donor

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    Ouch!
     
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  9. FatBack

    FatBack Well-Known Member

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    Sounds pretty good to me...
    What the hell else do you do when you get tired of eating watermelon?

    IMG_20220510_174115_3.jpg
     
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  10. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Come on now! A "gender fluid" sex robot from Disney that can change from male to female and back again?

    THAT is funny!
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2022
  11. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Arkansas makes full nudity illegal, even for married couples.

    When asked for the motivation for such a law, one representative replied "Have you seen the average Arkansan lately? We are trying to slow down the divorce rate."
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2022
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  12. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    GOP Officially Supports Sea Level Rise

    This is ridiculous argued Sen Rand Paul. You need water to live. More water is better. We all know that. Why would anyone be opposed to having more water?
     
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  13. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    June 1st, 2122: The News Headlines
    The 97th variation of the Covid 19 virus is thought to be the last.
    The newest vaccinations are delivered by genetically engineered mosquitoes.
    Keith Richards dies of Covid
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2022
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  14. kazenatsu

    kazenatsu Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    "Woman who got abortion says she grew tired of her baby kicking her"



    "Help! I am a Lesbian, trapped in a man's body"
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2022
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  15. Sallyally

    Sallyally Well-Known Member Donor

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    Recent study shows that 83% of married men thought that someone else would put the milk back in the fridge.
     
  16. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Flying Kangaroos Discovered in New Zealand
     
  17. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    Queen Elizabeth celebrates her 170th year as queen.
     
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  18. Montegriffo

    Montegriffo Well-Known Member

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    Pillow man's grandson promises evidence that the 2020 election was rigged will be released tomorrow.
     
  19. Aleksander Ulyanov

    Aleksander Ulyanov Well-Known Member

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    Keith Richards confirmed alive by the 6 girls who were chosen as his pallbearers
     
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  20. Gateman_Wen

    Gateman_Wen Well-Known Member

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    That is just about the only thing that could persuede me to buy one of Elon's over hyped toys.
     
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  21. Gateman_Wen

    Gateman_Wen Well-Known Member

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    By a squadron of USAF flying pigs.
     
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  22. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    It strikes me as being inevitable. Someone will do this.
     
  23. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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    New toilets recycle the water used for flushing.

    You can use the recycled water to flush again, or drink it! If you add the artificial flavoring it tastes great. The solid waste can go right into your garden or be burned in a wood stove or fireplace.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2022
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  24. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    Actually I've heard that the car goes into evasive manoeuvres and the police stop chasing you. You think you're home free until the car parks in a police station and shuts off after locking you in.
     
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  25. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Banned

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