Why did your spouse divorce you?

After six years together and three years of marriage, he left me for his ex-wife. We were unhappy. My 30-year old self was stupid; should never have made that decision. We were very kind to each other - split all the assets, sold the house, divided the belongings without drama. THEN we told a judge.

I haven't spoken to him, since. Now, ridiculously, blissfully, over the moon happy with my current love - we've been together 11 years and married 7. He's a keeper.

 

By chance, one of women I saw is a life coach. I didn't know anything about life coaching but she offered to give me free sessions. So why not? Turned out to be very helpful. One important concept I learned was the price of dwelling on the past. Not only is it pointless [beyond introspection], it also saps energy. It wastes time. It is counterproductive in every sense. Associated with this is "running the tape". This is where we relive some event or decision over and over again - torturing ourselves with pointless, perpetual replays. I wasn't even aware of doing this, but I do. Most of us do. For me the biggest challenge is to truly get over my divorce. The final details were only resolved a short time ago. We were divorced but still had financial entanglements. So that is only now a chapter of my life I am able to close, once and for all.

Accepting what cannot be changed is another big one. The ability to accept life as it comes is a real skill. But this falls right into place when we learn to live in the moment. I struggled with this a great deal with my first sugar baby. I really couldn't imagine my life without her. I knew it couldn't last but couldn't imagine ever letting her go. I had to accept that it was better to have every moment I could, love her with all my heart, and still be ready to let go when the time came, than to walk away from the greatest love I have ever known. When she left I cried every day for two months. It was the greatest joy, and the greatest sorrow I have ever known. And it was worth the price to have the time we had together. Living in the moment makes it possible to be at peace with our sorrow.

 

WOW! We do have a lot in common.

I went to Reno and got two hookers. We will have to talk when I have more time.

Middle-age men are the largest demographic for suicide - up to ten times the rate for women. And I know why, to some extent. You and I are two of the lucky ones.

I put a gun to my head six years ago last December, IIRC.

 

Middle age is tough, midlife crisis time for many where one either works through their grosser nature or gets chewed up and spat out by life! I could talk about this stuff all day as the examined life is fascinating to me. Feel free to chat me up when you have more time as I bet there are some things that you could teach me. I am selfish that way, caring more about what I can learn than what I can teach.

 

Yeah whirlwind romances often go belly-up, but at least your marriage lasted 16 years, you deserve a medal..
A few years ago a Brit national paper invited readers to write in about their marriages that didn't last long.
One poor bloke wrote-
"I married my wife after a whirlwind romance even though I knew she had a drink problem, and as we sat on the balcony of our honeymoon hotel sipping champagne, she suddenly blurted out "Why do you hate my mother?!"
I reminded her that I'd never even met her mother or said a word about her, but she kept on with comments like "You've never liked her!", "She's my best friend!", "I love my mother even if you don't!" and nothing I said would calm her down.
So I went into our room, packed my bag and walked out to check into another hotel, then next day I flew home alone and began divorce proceedings"

 

Well, I've been through hell and back, and never have I attempted to kill myself.

 

By the eaches? Sure...that happens. And what 'happy' means is different. If I wanted to be married to a friend, I'd 'start as friends' - if I want to be married to a lover, I'll start as lovers. relationships tend to revert to their core-values. their core essence.

 

In a matter of a few years I lost everyone I cared about due to death, illness, booze, betrayal, one went insane, we had years of devastating health crises that ended in the death of both parents, the family fell apart, divorces, I was going broke due to the collapse, I had slowly grown to realize my marriage was a sham and always had been, I was working 18 hour days in near complete isolation,,, my health was rapidly failing and I felt terrible all the time, in short, it was a perfect storm. Most importantly, I hated every moment of my life and had NO HOPE that it would ever be better. I just wanted it to end. Beyond that, at the rate I was going, I wasn't long for this world anyway. I was on the fast track to the grave.

What was interesting was that I started to regain the will to live after one weekend with two high-end escorts. I slowly grew to understand that going ten years without sex had drained the life out of me. It had killed my will to live. I know now that there is a direct connection between sex and the will to live. At least there is for me and many men. Or as psychologists put it, sex is key to a happy, well-adjusted life.

 

During all of the divorce nonsense, I had to provide hard copies of everything. Her lawyer demanded it.

When it was all over I weighed the paperwork. It was about 80 Lbs. I would bet I spent several hundred dollars on printer ink alone. I know I spent several hundred more making copies.

 

Naw I think I'd be fine. Most people need to make big bucks as lawyers because they start their career with six figure debt. I should be entering with none, so even if I'm only looking at making 40k/yr, I can live just fine on that.

 

As a matter of interest what do PF members think of the film 'Kramer v Kramer', where Meryl Streep deserts her hub Dustin Hoffman and their son?
Later she comes back and goes to court to get custody of her son, and the judge decides in her favour.
Would that happen in real life?

 

Sounds like you were in a pressure cooker, I can relate although my circumstance were/are different. A few years ago I had daily anxiety to the point of it causing an irregular heartbeat. It was at this point where I decided that I had to get my **** together or I was going to self destruct. I found solace in the study of philosophy as counseling was useless as it was a bandaid and I was looking for a more permanent solution. Perhaps counseling may work for some, it has never been more than a bandaid for me.

The escort solution is interesting. Something I find amazing is the plethora of ways that individuals work through issues and find peace in their life and what works for will not work for another. Sex is important, had little of it with the ex, and lots of it with wife number 2. I know that I am happier when in a healthy relationship than being single but would rather be single than to exist in a dysfunctional marriage like I did with wife 1 for 16 years.

 

Every man is different, I haven't had sex for 15 years and I've never been happier!
I briefly tried going with a few hookers as an experiment some years ago but didn't like it because it was so cold and loveless that I couldn't raise any enthusiasm, boy am I weird!..
PS- and what about sailors who are away from the ladies for months on end, they don't go nutty for want of a woman do they?

 

Thread title; "Why did your spouse divorce you?"

When the topic elicits personal comments about ones own experiences, how can we talk about the topic without making it about individual experiences?

 

Really, divorce shouldn't be as hard as it often is. It makes zero sense to spend all that time and money when you really should just be splitting it down the middle. Smart couples getting divorced come to an agreement. Friends of mine recently divorced, and came to an agreement - he was a doctor, she had a medical condition that prevented her from gaining substantially gainful employment (I think she stocked shelves like 3 times a week), so the agreement was that he keep the house, assume all the collective debt, she left with personal effects, her car, a lump sum of money from the bank account, and alimony for a set period of time. It facially sounds bad, but I don't think she really ended up with more than half the net assets.

Had they hired lawyers, they'd have run through joint assets and both would have ended up with less than they did. It's usually some vindictive ******* that causes divorce proceedings to be such a problem. Sorry to hear that your's was.

 

+1.

 

I haven't seen that one - sounds interesting.

It's doubtable that that would happen in real life. Once one parent has primary custody, it's really difficult to do that unless they **** up bad - even then it often won't change anything significantly.

There's this old legal doctrine called the "Tender Years Doctrine". It is effectually still in place, but no judge would admit it. It was a rebuttable presumption that children in their "tender years" should be with their mother. Now again, it was a rebuttable presumption, so if the mother was the very picture of a horrible one and the father the very picture of a perfect father, then the court would grant custody to the father, but in the vast majority of cases the mother would get custody.

The same is still basically true today but not a matter of official policy. It's now defended differently based on some very weak rationale. The new defense for the status quo is to maintain stability - because you don't want to change things for the kids, and if the mother is the primary caretaker while the dad is the breadwinner, then it kinda makes sense that the kid stay with the mom. So when a couple splits and the mother keeps the kids and get use to that and visiting the father on weekends, then the court thinks it makes sense that the kids stay with her, to maintain stability. And that sort of makes sense on its face, but it's now treated as the primary concern - w/o regard for who would be a better caretaker.

It's also obviously a roundabout explanation, isn't it? If a couple splits, and the mother leaves and takes the children with her, that's "normal". But if a couple splits, and the father leaves and takes the kids with him - against the mother's wishes - what do you expect to happen? I'll just say, the two scenarios don't usually play out the same.

But basically - usually couples are split for several months before they go to court, the mother took the children and the children started to adjust to the new situation, so the court favors maintaining that situation. It's worth consideration, but it is given waaaaay too much.

 

I gotta tell ya.I have not a clue.
We weren't even married.
Dint even rise to the level of a shotgun wedding.
Paper plates and cheap eats.
I wanted my money back but the Judge was the
one holding the shotgun.

 

It definitely isn't true for all men. I was always a total horn dog. Apparently I have always had a strong sex drive even for a man. I never imagined that living without sex would carry such a huge price. I thought I could bury myself in my work. But as sure as the day is long, day by day I lost the will to live. It was only after I started having sex again that I realized what had been happening.

As for escorts, that is a real mixed bag. A great escort isn't easy to find. And just like regular dating, chemistry matters! It is funny how distinctive it can be. There is definitely sexual chemistry completely aside from other types of chemistry [compatibility]. Apparently I got lucky early on. But the distance is why I went the sugar baby route. The key is that a sb/sd relationship can be anything you want, from an escort relationship, to true romance. I fell into my first sb relationship almost by accident. She cared about me a great deal, she eventually said she loved me [it took 18 months!], but I was madly in love with her from almost the first moment I saw her. I would have done anything to keep her forever but it wasn't meant to be. And I really accepted that from day 1. For the first year, every time she left I wondered if I would see her again. I couldn't believe this could continue - it just isn't possible to be this freaking happy!!!! But I was and we had three years. I learned how rewarding it can be if that's what you want. So I decided to keep going this way. I've been on about 120 coffee dates and I am on sb 13 now, I think. She's my favorite so far and we could grow very close. We will just have to see how it goes. We definitely have a great time. We had instant compatibility.

But to the point about not settling, I didn't know it was possible to be so much in love. I won't settle for anything less. Knowing what I know now I never would have married my ex. I did love her but it wasn't even in the same universe as with my sb. So I decided to keep dating women who are far too young and beautiful, in hopes of finding that magic again. There is no going back now. I haven't been with anyone who wasn't gorgeous, with most in their 20s, for over five years now.

As for sailors, why do you think they had cabin boys? LOL! They would see a matinee and think it was a beautiful naked women/fish [mermaid]. No, they weren't horny! And as you know, sailors have a girl in every port. There is no doubt a lot of port sharing goes on, on the ships as well, just like prison.

Prison is another good example. Straight men go to prison and eventually find themselves having sex with men. I worked with a bunch of ex cons once on a plumbing crew and was shocked by what I heard!

 

i think they do, i was handed a 30 day eviction notice from the house, divorce papers with a prenup in their favor that i signed under duress, and this song to help me with the depression.

 

1- Yeah, most "escorts" smoke which is a big turnoff for me, I could never want to be near a woman who smelt like a trucker..
2- As an ex-convict myself (3-month vigilante rap in 2002) I shared a cell with a young black chap, neither of us was gay and never had the slightest notion of becoming a "couple".
I think it's just a Hollywood myth that prisoners are always servicing each other..

 

I heard it from about 12 ex cons. 3 months? I don't think that qualifies. Besides, you already said you don't need sex.

How do you know most escorts smoke? Almost no one I've seen smoked.

It never pays to go cheap.

 

It took about 2 seconds to find this.

https://www.queerty.com/hunger-for-...hind-gay-sex-in-prison-may-shock-you-20140925