Why I haven’t been posting / I’m better now.

Discussion in 'Member Casual Chat' started by Kranes56, Oct 12, 2015.

  1. Kranes56

    Kranes56 Banned

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    I have a confession to make. There’s a reason I haven’t been posting on PF lately, and I want to make something clear right now. I have never physically hurt myself, or anyone else. I’m saying I’m better now because before I was in a very dark place and now I want to let PF, the community and dare I say family that raised me needs to know. For those that don’t know who I am, I’m a 20 year old college student that’s been posting on and off PF for years now. This is where I debated people when OBL was killed and shrugged at the 2012 elections. In short, this is my home away from home.

    When I first started posting on PF, it was when I was 15. Most 15 year olds don’t go to online forums and debate politics. Well, there’s a reason for that. I used to say that there were 2 ways I was going to die. The first, get hit by a bus while biking. Then a doctor would try to save me and I would die on him. Then the doctor would go through his own story of life and death and somehow end up with chainsaws for hands. The second way (and to most casual onlookers probably what was going to happen.) was dementia. It runs in my family and I will probably have it one day. But there was a third way as well, and if I continued on the path that I was on, it was going to have been how I was going to die.

    Suicide. I was planning on killing myself. What I wanted to do was to do something amazing in the world, then kill myself. I wanted to accomplish something so astounding my name would go down in the history books, and then like an aged warrior, enjoy my well earned rest. Why not do it now instead of wait years? I thought I was so worthless, that no one was going to care. If I killed myself, no one was going to notice or even really bother remembering me. I would just be another statistic. And I was taught at a very young age to be a role model and a good person. In my twisted logic, I was trying to help people.

    So where does PF fit into all of this? To be fair, when I first started posting it was because I felt powerless and wanted to do something to help advance causes I believe in (LGBT rights being the major reason why). But as time went on, it served a few functions. For my suicide plan, everyone on it was my teacher. They were the people that taught me how to think about the world and how to interact with it. They were the people who actually gave me lessons I would need to use in order to go through with my plan. In other words, PF was my way of not only trying to gain some measure of control over my life, but also to advance my own death.
    Now, I have since realized that thinking like that is terrible and it should never be done. I got the help I needed and I can safely say that I am no longer thinking like that. But that doesn’t really explain why I don’t need PF anymore. The answer is, because of the help I got. I started to go to therapy (both group and individual) and because of that I started to see where I was wrong. Because of that, I am healthier. It’s nice, being free from all of those worries of death and pain and start focusing on things that can hurt as well. Beforehand all I would do is chalk all my feelings to what amounts to depression (since I was never diagnosed with it, I don’t want to say that I had it.) Now I can see where my problems actually are.

    So what was my problem? This is something that I have known since I started debating on PF and easily beforehand. It’s been with me since I can remember as a kid. I am transgender. I am a girl born in a guy’s body. Some of my earliest memories are of me trying to get into my mom’s jewelry box. I never wanted this, I would have loved to have been born in the right body. But I know that it’s not how it works, no matter how much I wished that it were so. Every single night I would beg to God, or wish on the stars, or anything to put me in the right body. Now that I think about it, there was another reason I debated on PF. It was because I wanted to prove to myself that I was a guy. Debating is more of a male (in the Gender sense). Inside I wanted to prove to myself that I was actually a guy and the feelings that I had were wrong. Of course, that didn’t work. All I did for years was tell myself that I was a failure and worthless, all because I couldn’t tell myself that I am actually a girl.

    Thanks to the support I’ve gotten from friends and therapy I’m better shape to actually start transitioning. But I can’t forget the family that’s raised me. PF is my home, and for how central it was to hurting myself, it was also my refugee. It was where I went when I needed someone to talk to. It was where I took my anger out on and then was reminded that they were people too. And PF was the place where I developed so many of my ideas about the world. For all the knowledge I’ve gained in college, PF was still the place that taught me so much of the world. I can never forget that. So I would like to make a public thank you to everyone in PF.

    For those that have debated by my side for years, thank you. You showed me that strangers can support each other if there’s a common goal. For those that were indifferent or had constructive criticism and arguments, thank you. It’s because of you that I sharpened my skills. Because of that I learned more about the world and how it works. And I have to wish thank you to the bigots out there. Those that hate Transgenders. I don’t mean the people who have ideological reasons for disagreeing with what transgenders want as a community. They are part of the constructive criticism and arguments group. They taught me that not all bigots are the same, and that most people who have an issue with the LGBT community simply understand the world differently. I have no quarrel with them. It’s because of them that I realized how different bigotry is. People who we would call “bigots” simply see the world differently and that’s alright. No, I mean the actual bigots. Those who would hate with no reason other than to hate.
    Thank you. Thank you for showing me what hatred looks like. You scared me at first, with your arguments about how Transgenders need to go to therapy and get the help they need. I did. I’m healthier, happier today then I have been in a long time. This summer was the happiest I have been in years. No worrying about hiding who I am, no obsessing over every detail to make sure that the world sees me as a guy. I am a woman, no matter what my sex is. Thank you bigots for showing me that your arguments could not be sustained by reason and were only fueled by hatred. You showed me that it is possible to stand up to you and laugh as you try to explain things in your bigoted logic. Because of you, I realized that I am strong enough to stand up for myself I face discrimination when I decide to transition. I owe you in part my life, and I hope you realize this but you made me a better person.

    Should you ever be a bigot? No. The nights I lost sleep because people like you exist are still fresh on my mind. The amount of pain you caused me, it can’t be measured. The side of me that wanted to hurt myself listened to your arguments and it was only because I felt safe enough posting back that I didn’t take them to heart. But it is because of that pain that I realized I am stronger. Maybe one day I will look back and think about how everything turned out for the best. But for now, listen to yourself and ask yourself, how much pain am I going to put into the world, because people do read what you write.

    I want to say thank you again, to an amazing community that made me getting ready to transition possible. I haven’t started yet, but I am excited for where it goes. I know that it’s going to be a long process, but it’s going to a life changing one, one that will make me a better person. And I owe it thanks to the members of PF.
     
    Mr_Truth, Dark Star, Cubed and 7 others like this.
  2. Oldyoungin

    Oldyoungin Well-Known Member

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    Do what makes you happy and live your life. You have one go at it, live it the way you want. Don't let people who hate your choice of life style dictate your happiness. Surround yourself with people that will support your transition, this will lead to a more satisfying day to day life. Also, try to make sure you identify your depression triggers and do what you can to conquer them. Last comment , when you are feeling the lowest of low.... go out in the world and make someone feel good about themselves..... it may just rub off on you.

    Cheers m8.
     
  3. waltky

    waltky Well-Known Member

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    Glad yer back...

    ... from Granny, Uncle Ferd, possum...
    :grandma: :clapping::woot:
    ... an' me.

    Hope yer gettin' better...

    ... and continue to feel well.
     
  4. btthegreat

    btthegreat Well-Known Member

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    I have no advice. When I was, where you were as a gay man, the internet was just beginning have any form. It was a world of almost complete isolation for a gay teen living in a small town, it was very easy to believe that the whole world thought people like you and I were disgusting freaks. It was even easier to believe them right.

    I am glad you are in a better place. I am glad the world is too. Take care and thanks for the letter above. Beautifully written.
     
  5. Aleksander Ulyanov

    Aleksander Ulyanov Well-Known Member

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    Great post and you're a great girl. Welcome back

    >>>RULE 5<<<
     
  6. SMDBill

    SMDBill Well-Known Member

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    Glad you're well. We all struggle with something but find it so easy to pass judgment on others. Having overcome desperation, you're in a place to help many others who face what you've surmounted. Perhaps that was your calling.
     
  7. Kranes56

    Kranes56 Banned

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    Thank you all, it's because of people that decided to post here that I felt safe and at home. I'm glad that I found PF and I have been with you all these last few years. It means a lot to me.
     
  8. liberalminority

    liberalminority Well-Known Member

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    Hey I honestly never knew how serious it was when people like you suffered, as I like most people in society never understood this and still struggle too. Thanks for opening up about your personal story, and here is a song to help you through your dark thoughts.

    [video=youtube;m0r9iUOdHjk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0r9iUOdHjk[/video]
     
    Shangrila and (deleted member) like this.
  9. Kranes56

    Kranes56 Banned

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    Everyone has their own stories to tell. Thank you for listening to mine. That's a very beautiful song.
     
  10. leftlegmoderate

    leftlegmoderate New Member

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    Interesting. I can imagine that it would be torturous to feel as though you've been born the wrong gender. It's a truly curious state of being. I've always wondered why such a thing occurs.

    What do you think about it? Do you think there's a biological explanation? Genetic, or perhaps some sort of evolutionary purpose?

    No need to reply if you don't want, you could have the mods delete even.

    A confession of my own; I've also been in a place in life where suicide seemed like a rational solution. You've made the right choice in seeking help, as suicide is not a solution, regardless of the motive. Suicide only does two things in reality... it hurts and deprives your loved ones, and it completely ensures that one cannot address and overcome whatever issues led one to become suicidal in the first place. Good work, keep working. :thumbsup:
     
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  11. Kranes56

    Kranes56 Banned

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    I don't mind answering questions. For me, it was always something that was a part of me but I didn't realize that something was wrong until around 8th grade. I thought it was normal to feel what I was feeling so it didn't bother me too much. If I had to take a guess then it has something to do with my biology because of the fact that I knew what gender I wanted to be growing up and no matter how men and women changed in my eyes, I always wanted to identify as a female. How much society took part in this I wouldn't know but of course it had a role. Otherwise I wouldn't know what it means to be male and female.
     
  12. Perriquine

    Perriquine On hiatus Past Donor

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    Just wanted to say a belated thanks for sharing!
     
  13. Chibs

    Chibs Member Past Donor

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    I am pretty new to the forums and don't know who you are, but it's great to hear that you're better. I am transgender as well so I know exactly how you feel in that regard. *hugs*
     
  14. TBryant

    TBryant Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Its good to know you found some solid footing. At your age the world can be an unstable place, especially for someone outside the norm.

    Don't be afraid of the depression label, its only a big deal to the bigots. Rational people understand that under certain kinds of stress anyone can fall victim to depression.

    As bad as PF is I think you could have found a much worse environment on the internet. In the end I think you are right; PF is a good place to learn about how people think, or refuse to think, about others.

    Listen to your therapist when it comes to your posting habits. I like your presence here, but if they think it is part of an obsessive behavior pattern its best you learn to limit how long and often you spend time posting here.

    I'm glad your alive. peace
     
  15. Capitalism

    Capitalism Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Well... Technically... Suicide IS a solution..
     
  16. Chibs

    Chibs Member Past Donor

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    It is indeed, albeit a stupid one.
     
  17. My Fing ID

    My Fing ID Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    May have no meaning to you, and I guess it doesn't really apply but whatever. My friends mom is a lesbian witch. Not (*)(*)(*)(*)ing around, literally she was and has been a lesbian, went off with his dad for a bit but was certainly into women and literally Wicken. She's kind of all of our moms (the guys) because we used to hang out at that house and a lovely women who we all enjoy being around. I remember every morning I'd wake up to this song just blaring as loud as that little stereo would go!

    [video=youtube;TLV4_xaYynY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY[/video]

    Yeah, mega hippy too, old school. I don't know you personally but I come from a group that is more of a family, and we straight up don't care about anything other than the individual. I hope you can find that where you are. I'd say come to Portland but with the amount of (*)(*)(*)(*)ing hipster (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*) bags... Anyway, don't let that (*)(*)(*)(*) bring you down man. Best advice I can give is to get into a STEM job because it pays well and for the most part us geeks don't judge. You'll likely have to deal with some of the horse (*)(*)(*)(*) but that's going away I think, at least I hope. I honestly do hope you the best, and as a bonus, here's The Animals:

    [video=youtube;0sB3Fjw3Uvc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sB3Fjw3Uvc[/video]
     

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