Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

They be a bit peeved if they do.

 

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

 

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hey! wait a minute there... you changed the entire post after i 'liked' it... i'd 'unlike' it now, 'cept this one's good too... next time i'll screenshot the bugger before liking it

 

Sorry, caught you mid step. I thought this one was better.

 

Now I need to see the first one...

 

Prince Charles goes to Australia
On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga. Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince “Your Highness, it’s quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn’t that quite hot and uncomfortable?”

The Prince replied “Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy’s idea.”

“I’m sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" said the Mayor.

“Oh, yes,” replied Charles. “I spoke to her by telephone this morning. She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga. She then said ‘Wear the fox hat.’ “

 

not that old gag i wont fall for it again... no likie this time...

 

Awww, please?

 

Any girl can be glamorous.

All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.


Hedy Lamarr

 

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Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench after school...
...Liam looked at Noah.
"Yo dude, did you do anything fun this weekend?"
Noah replied," Not really, how about you?"
"Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night and he had toilet bowls made of pure gold, You wouldn't believe it!"
"No way dude, that's impossible, I don't remember Joe being rich"
"Come with me and see for yourself if you don't believe me"
Later that day, both Liam and Noah went to Joe's house. Noah rang the doorbell and Joe mama opens the door.
Noah quickly asks," My friend came to Joe's party last night and claimed that you have toilet bowls made of gold, is that really true?"
She stood there for a while and yells back into the house.
"Alfred, that scumbag that shat in your tuba is here!"

 

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like for you to send four (4) well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their full formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They must arrive promptly at 8:00 PM and be prepared to engage our guests in an evening of stimulating but polite Southern conversation. They all should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of a group of lovely refined young Southern belles. Please make note of one last important detail: “Absolutely NO JEWS."

After reading and contemplating, the Navy Captain replied with a handwritten personal message that he had delivered to the Lady by yeoman. It read:

"Madam, thank you so much for your generous invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for an evening of polite, stimulating conversation, I am sending four (4) of my best and most impressive Officers.

The first young Officer I offer is a Lieutenant, with a Master’s Degree in Computer Information Systems (CIS) from University of Texas at Austin (College of Natural Sciences). He is world-renown for his work with Integrated Quantum Materials (IQM) at the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) and in establishing prototype deciphering benchmarks in the field of Advanced Technological and Cryptographic Algorithms. He is also awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation (PhD) from Stanford University in Palo Alto, California.

The next Officer, another Lieutenant, proudly serves as one of our ships helicopter pilots. He is a graduate of Harvard University School of Engineering and Applied Sciences (SEAS) in Cambridge, Massachusetts, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. He also holds a PhD. in Mechanical, Aerospace, and Nuclear Engineering from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (RPI) in Troy, New York. The Lieutenant was recently accepted into the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) Astronaut Candidate Selection Program which is quite an honor in its own right.

The third Lieutenant is a graduate of the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis with an additional Master’s Degree from The Pratt School of Naval Architecture and Marine Engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Boston, Massachusetts. He also serves as a Navy expert in the field of Fluid Technology and Thermal Technology as it relates to Marine Turbine Engineering in Ship and Vessel Design.

Finally, the fourth distinguished officer, a Lieutenant Commander, is our ship's Medical Doctor. He holds an undergraduate degree from the University of Virginia with his Medical Degree from Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. The Doctor is also well respected in the field of Emergency Shock Trauma and Critical Care Surgery at the National Naval Medical Center at Bethesda."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday's Ball with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome US Naval Officers without peer and all the other women in her social circle would be immensely impressed and insanely jealous.

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very erect, very handsome, smiling ..... BLACK Naval Officers.

Her jaw dropped and her mouth fell open, but after pulling herself together, she stammered, "Ex, ex, excuse me. There, m,m,must be some kind of mistake."

"No, Madam," said one of the Officers confidently.

"Captain Goldstein NEVER makes mistakes."

 

A man walks into a veterinary clinic
"My dog's head keeps drooping, so I would like to make an appointment," he says.

"Neck's weak?" asks the receptionist.

"Tomorrow would be better," he replies.

 

A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.
The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the first time in 20 years.

He is ecstatic and decides to treat himself to some new things. He decides the first thing he’s going to buy is a suit. So, he goes to the finest men’s store in town and tells the tailor he wants a new suit. The tailor says he can help and that he’s pretty good at measuring people just by looking at them. He tells the guy that he looks like he wears a 42 Regular suit. The man remarks that the tailor was exactly right, and the suit fits perfectly. The tailor asks him if he’d considered getting new shoes. The man hadn’t, but decides to treat himself. The tailor looks at the man’s feet for a second and comes back with an 11-wide shoe. Again, a perfect fit.

Finally, the tailor asks the man if he’d like anything else, perhaps some socks or underwear. Being as the man recently had surgery, he decided to get some new underwear. The tailor looks at him and says that he will go get some 38 underwear. The man laughs and says, “Ah, I’ve finally stumped you. I wear 34 underwear.” The tailor looks at him and reply’s, “No you don’t, if you wore 34 underwear, it would hold your testicles too close to your body, pinch the nerves, and give you headaches.”

 

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Saw myself in the mirror and I got such a shock seeing how fat I was, I nearly dropped my pie.

 

Stolen, lol.

 

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father.

The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.

“And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?”

The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.

“Where is Germany again, Father?”

He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.

Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.”

“Yes?”

“Has Hitler seen this map?”

 

Saw myself in the mirror and I got such a shock seeing how fat I was, I nearly dropped my pie.

 

Smithers' Story
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three

expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get ****ed."

 

A Candid Evaluation of the British Navy
Once upon a time, in the 1800s, a bureaucrat of the British Empire was assigned the task of interviewing sailors to get a candid evaluation of the level of contentedness of sailors with their captain. As he was opening his folder, he asked the first sailor that he was interviewing, "Where are you from originally?" "Charleston." "And how has the way things are run on board this ship struck you so far?" "I'm impressed."

 

A german in an Australian restaurant
"May I have a bloody steak?"

Waiter: "do you want some ****ing potatoes with it?"