For the 4th of July: The History of Conservatives and Liberals

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Grokmaster, Jul 4, 2018.

  1. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Enjoy!! And have a happy Independence Day !! :mrgreen:


    History of Liberals and Conservatives

    The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood... Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

    In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.

    Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.

    Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal menus.

    Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.

    Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber-jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.


    Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.


    Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.

    Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives. Satan is a liberal (as the "father of all lies" he invented liberalism) And someday soon he will call his flock home.


    Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.


    Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.


    Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.


    Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.

    The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".


    -Original author UNKNOWN... least to me!!
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2018
  2. US Conservative

    US Conservative Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    The differences aren't subtle.
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
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  3. Texas Republican

    Texas Republican Well-Known Member

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    The "Takers vs. Makers" issue has been going on since the beginning of time and it will never end.
     
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  4. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    At least since the invention of beer !!! :beer:
     
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  5. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Because you are the Self Appointed Arbiter of what is funny.

    Over react much? Let it out...release the anger and hatred...it's therapeutic! :mrgreen:
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2018
  6. Wild Horses

    Wild Horses Well-Known Member

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    Because the humor forum doesn't get as many views and like the other "real" men here he craves attention.
     
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  7. Moonglow

    Moonglow Well-Known Member

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    In the military, we didn't care about what guy a soldier voted for he was a comrade in arms and we had other issues to concentrate on like teamwork, something Grok has no idea how to form or utilize.
     
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  8. Moonglow

    Moonglow Well-Known Member

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    No, because it was a myopic hit piece by a trash sling piece of shyt.
     
  9. Moonglow

    Moonglow Well-Known Member

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    So I need a nut guard to keep him away..
     
  10. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    My issues with Bergdahl and Manning are not who they voted for. Straw man, much?

    Thanks for your service BTW...
     
  11. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    That's it ...let it all out !!
     
  12. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Let it all go...release the anger....
     
  13. Moonglow

    Moonglow Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your service BTW...[/QUOTE]
    You have zero issue with those two because they do not influence or affect yer life.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2018
  14. Moonglow

    Moonglow Well-Known Member

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    It's just humor sweet cheeks.
     
  15. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    It's a humorous article, not a testimonial...
     
  16. Moonglow

    Moonglow Well-Known Member

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    No it's rhetorical propaganda.
     
  17. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Now you're the Self Appointed Arbiter of what influences my life....you have a lot of important positions.
     
  18. Moonglow

    Moonglow Well-Known Member

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    I just reflect what you attempt to show you your fallacies..
     
  19. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    The start of civilization was the discovery of BEER???

    Uh-huh...clearly a serious political treatise...really?
     
  20. Grokmaster

    Grokmaster Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    No , you make up non-sequitur silliness in your blind fury....
     

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