Statistics show sales of gorillas often spike sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack. ........the Onion...... SAN DIEGOFollowing the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed. After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me, said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if Im ever in that situation, I wont have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. Ill be able to use my gorilla to defend myself. Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly, Keller added. And you never know when youll need to use a gorilla to save your life. Reports confirmed that gorilla sales have historically risen sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack, most notably after the 2010 tragedy in the small town of Logan, NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-year-old gorilla who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store. The latest attack marked the fifth of its kind in the United States within the last six months and has reignited the explosive national debate over gorilla control, with thousands of outraged Americans reportedly demanding that their government representatives act immediately in order to prevent further bloodshed. Weve had to deal with too many gorilla-related tragedies, and weve had to bury too many innocent, feces-covered victims, said Nicole Simmons, president of the Mothers Against Gorillas coalition, who herself lost her 16-year-old son in the infamous Baker High School gorilla rampage of 1997. Its time to put an end to this. We need to get gorillas off the streets once and for all. Enough is enough. The answer to this systemic problem is not more gorillas, Simmons continued, her eyes welling with tears. The answer is fewer gorillas. As evidence, Simmons pointed to a 2011 University of Maryland study, which found that 98 percent of Americans who own a gorilla have never used them for defense against a home invasion. Simmons also cited widely reported studies confirming that people who keep gorillas in the home are 12 times more likely to have their arms torn off, and children in those households are 19 times more likely to be picked up by the legs and bashed repeatedly into the ground. Furthermore, many gorilla control advocates have reportedly called for statewide limits to the number of gorillas one can purchase and a federal ban on the ownership of silverbacks, referencing as an example the tight gorilla laws in countries such as Japan, England, and Australia, where the annual rate of gorilla crimes is virtually nonexistent. There is absolutely no reasonnot for hunting, protection, or otherwisethat an ordinary citizen would need to possess a 600-pound silverback, said Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), one of the most outspoken gorilla control advocates in Congress. The general public frankly has no business owning apes of this size, and the only people who do are zookeepers who are trained to properly handle them. Otherwise, they are nothing but a threat to society and only serve to perpetuate more violence. Opponents to gorilla control legislation, however, appear to be fervent in their defense of their gorilla possession rights. A spokesperson for the powerful yet controversial national gorilla lobby told reporters that a ban on gorillas would not end incidents such as that in San Diego, as those who want the large primates could simply buy them from illegal dealers who smuggle them into the country from the jungles of sub-Saharan Africa. Many gorilla owners also told sources that the creatures are primarily used for legal hunting purposes and that the overwhelming majority of gorilla enthusiasts are completely responsible with their apes. Listen, its my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a gorilla to protect myself and my family, said Nashua, NH resident James Harrington, 46, adding that he personally owns 12 different gorillas of various sizes, but keeps them safely locked away in [his] home. And the government has another thing coming if they think they can come into my house and take away my gorillas. What happened in San Diego was horrible, but that doesnt mean all gorillas are bad, Harrington added. In fact, if every person at that mall had a gorilla, then the tragedy probably never would have even happened in the first place. At press time, following the increase in national gorilla sales, four isolated gorilla attacks had just been reported across the country, with the overall civilian death toll currently estimated at 37.
It is amazing how ridiculous this story suddenly becomes when you substitute "gun" with "gorilla"... Goes to show that some people are so emotionally invested in their guns that they're willing to undertake and/or support the most ridiculous behaviors.
I'd just like to chime in from Australia on this issue. I'm sick and tired of American gorilla enthusiasts misrepresenting what happened in Australia after the 1996 Taronga Park Zoo rampage when a disillusioned primate keeper freed all seventy gorillas from the zoo. I won't go into the details, they're still too harrowing, but the body count after the gorillas commandeered a bus and drove it into Kings Cross when they began to rampage through the nightclubs and strip joints was the highest ever seen in a gorilla attack in Australia up to that time. The Howard government acted immediately to bring the states into line on uniform gorilla control laws. Every state organised a primate buyback and responsible primate owners were encouraged to bring in their primates. The exchange rate was one gorilla handed in and exchanged for two chimpanzees and six bonobos. The surrendered gorillas were distributed to zoos around Australia. A second incident some years later, when a chimpanzee went ape(*)(*)(*)(*) in Melbourne at the Grand Final at the MCG (a deranged football fan had smuggled his chimp into the stadium dressed as a reallly ugly child). The Howard government instituted a second primate buyback and responsible primate owners brought in their chimpanzees for exchange with the more peaceful bonobos. As with the gorillas the chimpanzees were relocated to zoos. Since the buybacks and the replacement with bonobos there hasn't been one incident of violence involving a bonobo in Australia. Some critics have raised the issue of dealing with the most vicious and dangerous primate species in Australia but the federal government and the state governments in Australia have refused to sanction geno-suicide as a solution to social issues.
Gorillas aren't the problem - poachers with guns are Gunmen attack Belgian head of African gorilla reserve 15 Apr.`14 - Unidentified armed men on Tuesday critically wounded the Belgian head of Africa's oldest wildlife reserve, the Virunga National Park in Democratic Republic of Congo, officials said.
