Man divorced wife because she chose to abort his child

This post appeared on Reddit:

Divorcing my (31m) wife (36f) because she want to abort our first child

My wife and I have been married for 4 years and about 6 months ago we started trying for a baby. We both wanted a baby and felt like we were ready for a child. About 2 months ago, my wife found out she was pregnant.

At first, we were both extremely happy when we found out (or so I thought). But after we visited our doctor to confirm the pregnancy my wife completely switched up. She started telling me that she had doubts about having this baby and having children in general. She started saying that she didn't want to alter her body in a way that would leave permanent marks and go through the difficulty of pregnancy. She also started saying that she isn't sure that she wants someone who was going to hold her back for 18 years of her life.

At first I started by reassuring her about her doubts. I told her that I would help her in every step of the way of her pregnancy and that I will make sure she is always taken care of and thats I will be by her side the whole time and that she isn't going to go through this alone. I also told her that a child is not only a beautiful sign of our love for eachother but that we will have amazing experiences with the baby. I also tried to reassure her that she won't be alone in raising our child and that I'll be there with them for every single step of the way and support my family for the rest of my life. She still didn't feel like she wanted to have the baby.

To better our communication on the subject, I set up a meeting for couples counseling to talk about this problem. After I asked her numerous times to come to couples counseling together and her refusing, she finally came. During the 2 sessions we tried to clear up the doubts she was having and I tried to reassure her my support. I also made it clear that if she terminated the pregnancy that I would not be able to stay in this marriage. Her feelings still didn't change and she still felt like she didn't want to have the baby.

For the past couple of weeks we have been arguing about this. I keep trying to reassure her but her feelings still didn't change. She told me that it is her decision whether she wants to go through with the pregnancy or not. That is 100% true, it is her decision, her body her choice. But that does not mean I have to accept her decision within the confinement of our marriage. I respect whatever decision she decides to make but her decision does have a consequence for our marriage. I was confused because we both agreed that we felt ready and wanted kids. She said that she didn't think it through all the way. I know she is allowed to change her mind and change her decision on the pregnancy but I don't think I can accept it and continue my marriage.

Yesterday, she gave me the heartbreaking news that she is going to terminate her pregnancy. I made a final attempt to change her mind but she was adamant about her decision. I told her that I'll support her through the process of getting the abortion, but will file for divorce after. She started crying and telling me that our marriage doesn't have to end. I know that I'll never be able to love her like I use to if she gets the abortion and that I'll always resent her for it, so getting the divorce is in our own best interests.

I am normally very rational and strong of character but I have never experienced emotions like these. I feel like I'm totally numb inside and that my world has completely shifted. How can I deal with my grief in this situation? How can I continue my life without letting my emotions on the matter crash it?
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Divorcing my (31m) wife (36f) because she want to abort our first child : r/relationship_advice (reddit.com)

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What are your thoughts on this type of situation?

She said she wanted to have children, she had sex with the man she had married, but then she changed her mind after she got pregnant.

Some will say he divorced her because he realized she did not want children. But I think it goes BEYOND that. She killed his child, a child that he very much wanted. That child was a symbol of their union and relationship.

 

So? Big shrug here

 

I'd do the same thing he did, except I wouldn't help her kill the baby first. She can do that by herself.

 

Its a sad situation. I don't know an answer.

 

First of all, they should get a divorce. Secondly, I don’t know these people and I don’t even know if it’s a true story, but man seems controlling and domineering, has zero empathy or understanding of this woman. It feels like he is pushing his beliefs and values on her instead of trying to respect her concerns. I wasn’t raised to let a man take care of men and be dependent upon a man. If she’s worried about about her ability to maintain independence and care for herself financially or otherwise, it’s a legit issue. A man lecturing me like that would piss me off. For that reason, she’s better off. The guy filed for divorce, so he needs to take responsibility for it and move on.


If the story is true, I wonder, wtf, didn’t they talk about goals like family planning before agreeing to marry?

 

Why are you posting that here?

Are you suggesting that a law against abortion would have saved this marriage???

Or, that such a law could be justified by this divorce?

 

Well, we're assuming it's true and an accurate and complete description of the situation. We don't have the wife's side of the story after all.

Taking it on face value though, it's clearly an unfortunate situation but there isn't really any better solution than what they're left with. There are all sorts of different situations and circumstances that can impact relationships in this kind of way. That's why divorce rates are so high.

You're entitled to that opinion of course, but that is all it is and your opinion (or my opinion) has zero impact on the situation of these two strangers.

 

But it does have an impact on our perception of the situation, and any political implications it may have.

 

You shrug for any abortion, FoxHastings. As do the majority of pro-choicers.

 

I don't know, she seems pretty domineering over the relationship if she's going to abort their child, and they previously agreed they wanted children.

Does she have any empathy for her husband? (to say nothing of their unborn developing child)

Seems like she is the one pushing her beliefs on this relationship and the fetus.

 

If she wanted to get her tubes tied, it would have been a better idea to do it before she got pregnant.

This story just demonstrates that women can change their mind all the time.
Which means that abortions CAN happen after the woman gets intentionally pregnant, and abortions can happen long into the pregnancy after the woman already knew she was pregnant early on, even though it's a perfectly normal pregnancy with no unexpected complications.

 

Having empathy for her husband is a lot different than “saying nothing about her unborn developing child.” Her husband is not an embryo. His feelings, and his identity are barely present in the story, so it’s hard to relate have empathy for him. He basically comes across as a man who is pissed because his wife didn’t do what he thought she should, so he divorced her. My honest reaction to the story is that it’s fake because it lacks a lot of explanation and human connection. Why did these two people marry and why can’t they communicate with each other?

I get that it hurts to think you married somebody and expected a certain outcome and that doesn’t happen, but marriage is based on communication and listening. At no point did they attempt to work things out, or understand, or try come to a compromise. The way the story is told, it sounds like neither of them respected each other, cared about each other, loved each other, and neither gave a **** about ending their marriage in divorce. People like that shouldn’t be married let alone bring a freaking kid into a relationship like that.

 

Are you kidding? If a woman aborts a man's child even though he wants them to keep it, what do you think that says about the relationship? That is definitely grounds for divorce.

She not only not cares about what he wants, but also has betrayed him. And killed their unborn developing child, even though he expressed a desire to take care of the child and her.
When she chose to abort, she essentially revealed that she does not view their relationship as having a long-term future.

Should he risk potentially starting another child with her (by accident), only for the next developing child to be aborted again?
Maybe he could not in good conscience continue to have sex with her.
Maybe he had to protect his own emotions, because this abortion was devastating to him, and it would be too hard to deal with another.

 

I know people like you. I’ve grown up with people like you. The problem is, you think abortion is wrong and basically evil, I understand that. You would never support a woman wanting an abortion. I know women who’ve gotten abortions because of domestic violence, and a man abusing and controlling a woman violence should not get a say in a woman keeping his child. If he is abusing her, she should leave him. If an abortion helps her leave that situation, I fully support that. I realize you don’t but I do.

Newsflash the woman in the story doesn’t have to care about what this man wants just as much as he obviously didn’t care about what she wanted. The only reason you’re taking the man’s side and saying she should listen and obey him is because you think the woman is wrong. I don’t agree with that thinking. I don’t want relationships based on somebody’s concept of right and wrong. I pursue relationships based on equality. I have a say and I have a voice. If you try to tell me what to do based on your superior sense of morality then my relationship with you ends right there, and it doesn’t have to involve an abortion or not.

look, you can ban abortion federally if you want, and women will leave and still abort. Acting like somebody should bow down and obey you isn’t going to fly. A healthy couple with healthy boundaries, doesn’t involve control and moral domineering, would communicate children and family planning options and establish trust, not struggle for control, before an unplanned pregnancy occurred and got to this point.

I just don’t find the story believable.

 

Is it fair for us to say that was probably not the situation here?

The vast majority of the time when the man wants a say over a pregnancy in an abusive relationship it is to force the woman to have an abortion.

 

I haven’t made any assumptions about what’s going on with the story other than I think the story is false. My point about domestic violence is that I would support a woman having an abortion in a domestic violence situation, and I don’t think you would. I also have no problem, supporting a rape pregnancy being aborted, and I’m not assuming that this story involves rape either.

as for your second comment, I find you to be a very naïve person. Like I said, you think abortion is the epitome of evil and wrong. I’ve heard of man trying to push women into having abortions and I think that’s wrong, but trying to control a woman’s reproduction out of a man’s desire to coerce her into doing what he wants is wrong, no matter if it’s about having an abortion or not, or coercing you into a marriage you don’t want. Women shouldn’t be coerced to do what a man wants just because she’s pregnant. Abusive controlling men will use a ton of things to control their victims with; children, pregnancies, threatening divorce and taking custody of your kids, money/financial control, manipulation, and a variety of threats.

 

She wanted (or thought she wanted, or told her husband she also wanted) to have children. It was apparently only after she knew she was pregnant that she had second thoughts. People can change our minds on important things all the time, for good, bad or totally irrational reasons.

Well, the desire not to be pregnant can obviously happen at any time during a pregnancy and I expect often does, however briefly or subtly. That desire obviously doesn't have to lead to abortion, especially late term. It could lead to abortion though, even where abortion would be restricted or outright illegal.

The moral here doesn't seem to be about abortion specifically but more about recognising the major psychological impact of pregnancy and the importance of supporting those who fall pregnant and their partners though such a major life event.

 

One is entitled to change their mind. How is it being ‘pretty domineering’ over the relationship. It’s sounds to me like she make a hard decision about the path of her life. I suppose for you, you would just want her to keep her feelings to herself and do her duty of giving her husband a child and then end up resenting both of them.

Do you have any empathy for women in general? It seems not.

Seems like you are pushing your beliefs about what this woman should do. I bet it wasn’t an easy decision for her to make if this story is in fact true. It’s an unfortunate situation with an unhappy ending.

 

The point is that when you 'change your mind' about something as consequential as having children, your life partner is entitled to change their mind about who they want to be partnered with for the rest of the journey. They both have to want to go in the same basic direction for their marriage to work. Its just very sad that this discovery of hers, came so late in the game. I hope they both can find partners who want the same destination, next time.

 

I think the story is made up. If having/not having the baby was the reason for divorce, why help her with the abortion as opposed to telling her to have the baby, and then divorce & keep the baby?

 

FoxHastings said: ↑
So? Big shrug here

Why not?

And the shrug was for the whole story....again, there wasn't a point.

 

Doesn't sound like two people who should be married to each other.

Beyond that, it's none of our business, even if the dude decides to post his personal life on reddit.

 

Uh, "tell her to have the baby" ?

It's HER choice.......he has no right to "tell " her to do anything.

I agree the story is probably made up...

 

Winter Sun said: ↑
The way the story is told, it sounds like neither of them respected each other, cared about each other, loved each other, and neither gave a **** about ending their marriage in divorce.

Where did the poster say otherwise ...LOL, you are desperately looking for a fight that isn't there ..

Up to him...and irrelevant..

Ya, maybe....so?

 

No, it isn't...abusive men want their victim to have kids to use as an anchor to keep her with him..