I did this performance at a comedy open mike: I sometimes call myself the International Man of Mystery. I was born in the former Soviet Union; when I was 12 my family moved to America; when I was 30 I moved to Australia to marry my now ex-wife. When I was in Russia they said that I was a Jew. I come to America, suddenly I become Russian. I come to Australia, suddenly I become an American. My middle name is Boris; my former wife's middle name is Natasha. Sometimes people ask me if I am a Russian spy. What kind of a question is that, if I was would I tell them? A man walked into a government office, and they asked him to fill out some forms. He asks, What for? You already know everything about me. There was a debate between two ladies in the Australian parliament, and one man shouted Meow. One of the ladies accused him of practicing schoolyard politics; but really she should have just said Oink. I used to have a girlfriend whom I called a squirrel. She liked nuts in all three senses of the word. One morning she wakes up and asks me to bring her some nuts. I ask her how many and she says three. I said, My little squirrel wants just three nuts. After that it stuck. She was the squirrel. I used to work for a Lebanese food place. They had subs in 9-inch sizes and 12-inch sizes, so sometimes I asked the customers if they wanted their subs the Arabian size or the African size. I have known three drink-prone populations: The Russians, the Italians and the Irish. The Russians drink to get smashed. The Italians drink to have fun. The Irish drink to have bar fights. When asked why Australians drink, I thought and said, “To have sex.” You know how many Irish names start with Kil? There is Kilpatrick, there is Kilkenny. Why would you want to do such a thing, what did Patrick and Kenny do to you? I walked into a medical office and started doing Tai Chi moves. The receptionist asked, “Can I help you?” I said, “I am here to help you.” When my stepson was 3 we went to an animal hospital. He said, “This is an animal hospital. They treat you like a dog.” The most famous joke in the English language is the chicken joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? In order to get to the other side. I have takeoffs on that. Why did the crazy man cross the road? Because he thought that he was a chicken. Why did the scared man cross the road? Because he was chicken. Well this is all I have for now. I hope you enjoy.
