N.B. "The Old Man of the Mountain" is a fiction made up of many anecdotes. AD stands for all the anecdotes that come "after those of the barking dog". The number of each anecdote is arbitrary and is not in correct order as each of them is created spontaneously about a certain political event. The following anecdote almost reaches the end of the fiction. Narrator: The priest turned and continued his journey to the old man's mountain fortress. Looking at the priest till he disappeared into the distance, the owl shook its head and sighed repeatedly. As the priest trudged along the rocky path up the mountain slope, he could hear the sound of running water. After some time, he came to a stream where he heard somebody reciting the best-known haiku (俳句) of Matsuo Bashō's ( 松尾 芭蕉, 1644 – 1694), the most famous poet of the Edo period in Japan: Furu ike ya kawazu tobikomu mizu no oto ( 古池や蛙飛び込む水の音 translated as Old pond, A frog leaps in, Sound of water. ) He found a monkey bathing in the stream. The monkey seemed to be very annoyed at the priest's intrusion, as it pointed its middle finger at him. In response, the priest recited his own version of "haiku": Running stream, A monkey flashes middle finger. Back off man! Monkey (shouted angrily): What rubbish are you reciting? Priest: You were showing a rude hand gesture at me just now. Monkey: Whether showing one finger, two fingers or all the fingers, they are all the same polite way for monkeys to greet a visitor. Priest: That hand gesture of yours is considered offensive to humans. Monkey: What's considered offensive to humans do not mean the same thing to monkeys and other animals. Priest: I accept your explanation. May I have your permission to draw a picture of you with that polite hand gesture? Monkey: No problem, as long as I look as handsome as you in your drawing. Narrator: The priest took out a piece of paper from his pocket and made a sketch of the monkey. Then he showed the drawing to the monkey. Monkey: Nice drawing! I like it. Priest: I am amazed that you can stay in the icy water for so long? If I am in your situation, I would be frozen to death. Monkey: I need the icy water to cool me down so that I won't blow my top. Priest: Why? Who has enraged you? Monkey: I am the leader of the monkeys living in this mountainous region since time immemorial. About 240 years ago, a wicked warlock appeared out of nowhere. After exterminating almost all my tribe, he built a magnificent castle on the highest mountain in this region. Adding insult to injury, he demanded all the surviving monkeys to pay for the castle which could cost around $10 billion. To cover the bill, my tribe has to send one ton of fruit to the warlock annually for one thousand years. Due to climate change, the production of fruit such as apples and oranges falls year by year. I had a heated exchange with the warlock yesterday when I proposed to pay peanuts for the castle. The warlock, who is now known as the Old Man of the Mountain, angrily rejected my proposal, saying that he is no peanut-brained monkey for peanuts. Hence I am cooling my head in the icy water after the heated exchange. Priest: Did you ever flash your hand gesture at him? Monkey: Never! Why should I greet him politely? Narrator: The priest smiled at the thought that humans and animals view things differently. After keeping the drawing in his pocket and bidding farewell to the monkey, he continued his journey. On the way, he could smell something like burning brimstone in the air. The foul odour grew with such intensity as he approached his destination that he had to take a surgical mask from his bag to wear it over his mouth and nose. It was late in the evening when he arrived at the old man’s castle. He found the huge black dog chained in a crouched position to the castle gate with a retractable leash that allowed it to make a terrifying leap to a distance of about 9 m. The ground, castle wall and gate in the vicinity of the dog were inscribed with the same type of unintelligible writing in the dungeon. Staring menacingly at him with its glowing red eyes, the huge black dog growled, barked and snapped its immense jaws viciously in an extremely confrontational manner. The priest started to cough as his surgical mask could not keep out the foul breath that kept puffing out from the dog's mouth. Priest: Good evening. No guest should appear before the host empty-handed. I have a gift for you. Dog: I never reject a gift. Let me have a look. Priest: Here is it, a masterpiece of mine. Dog: If you want to show a rude hand gesture at me, just do it yourself without using a picture of a monkey with an extended middle finger. Priest: Unfortunately the picture could be misunderstood on its own. The monkey claimed that it was its polite way of greeting. Dog: Don't insult my intelligence! The old man had pointed his middle finger at me many times before and after I become his captive. Priest: I am a newbie in giving presents. If that is your interpretation of the monkey's courteous way of greeting, let it be! I offer my embarrassed apologies for giving the wrong present accidentally. Dog: I don't think you just want to direct a rude gesture at me after travelling all the way here. Tell me what you want! Priest: Okay, let's get to the point. I come here to ask for the return of my brother's soul. Dog: Stop dreaming. You will never get it back. ***************************** The End **********************************
THE FRONT PORCH On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
