Mixed Daily Jokes

My buddy's huge wife said she needed some incentive to lose weight, so he bought her a scale to help her keep track. It's pretty neat. It even prints out the data.

It was pretty expensive, too, but he said the "Richter" brand is worth it.

 

Do deaf people realize we don't know what animals are saying?

 

I felt a fart coming on while I was at work yesterday, and had the bright idea that if I dropped a book and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it, so I grabbed a large dictionary and dropped it. Everyone jumped a foot, then looked at me, and then I farted. Loud.

 

Some respected retard in the media introduced this word without having a clear idea of its meaning. It made him sound intelligent, even though to the few truly educated, the self-educated, it exposed what a fraud his education was. Whatever he heard about its meaning when he first heard the word became confused in his inferior mind, so he wound up thinking it must be something a moron would say, because that's what it sounds like. It has unjustifiably replaced "a contradiction in terms," which is too hard for these mumble-mouthed talk-show nannies to pronounce. The media's war correspondents didn't even know enough about their profession to use the terms "wounded" ("injured, hurt" is what these Diploma Dumboes used instead) or "GIs." They also don't know what casualties means. Why do we accept these people's right to their jobs? The only thing we are allowed to question is their bias, which is irrelevant. The proven fact that they are inferior people in superior positions is far more important.

 

They definitely are not. When you call a phrase oxymoronic, you are praising it. You are really hopeless. I've had this done to me before, when I explained how these phrases do not demonstrate what oxymoron means, but because people are so programmed with the illiterate use of the word, they think that everything related to a contradiction is an "oxymoron." What you refer to can be called a "contradiction in terms." But that is only an opinion that the two words contradict each other.

Now for an illogical word that was spread by the media after originating with Valley Girl bimboes. "Clueless" is illogical because its present fad use would fit into the sentence, "When it comes to doing crossword puzzles, he is clueless."

Get it? Or are you so faithful to the common herd and its media Good Shepherds that you can't see how illogical its bimbo use is? I know you need help breaking away from the crowd, so here is its only logical use:

There was no evidence, nothing to go on. The detective was clueless.

 

How does the Pope pay when he shops over the internet?

Papal.

 

I just got back from a fantastic two week vacation in the great state of Florida.

The wife's little sister came along. We were in an excellent hotel, had wonderful weather and the food was awesome. We also spent a lot of time playing "honeymoon" in our room. The worst part, of course, was flying back to bitter cold and eight inches of snow.

Oh, and the frosty reception from the wife when she picked us up at the airport.

 

I called my wife on her cell phone to ask where she was.

“Shopping,” she said. “Why?”

“Well, I’m missing some money out of my billfold.”

And she said “You probably misplaced it. Who would take $287.58 from your billfold?”

 

I was at Home Depot yesterday and everywhere I turned there were people on the floor, bleeding from the head and holding their faces.

I would have stopped to help but there was nowhere to put my ladder down.

 

What ever happened to Mr. Sippi?

 

I'd rather be in Dianne than Indiana.

 

I'd rather have a maxi soda than a Minnesota.

 

I don't think it would be wise for a streetwalker to admit what she's doing by saying, "Idaho."

- - - Updated - - -

The first feminist called herself Ms. Ouri.

 

The waitress at McDonalds smiled at me and put a smiley face on my receipt.

I guess you could say things are getting serious between us.

 

In the court room, the Judge look directly at me and said "In all my years on the bench, I can honestly say that I have never had to deal with a more loathsome individual than you. You are a habitual liar who thinks nothing of taking advantage of weaker individuals to satisfy your own perverted needs, paying no heed to the damaged and ruined lives you leave in your wake.You are truly a reprehensible person and you have absolutely no redeeming social values whatsoever."

He then looked at my client and said "You, sir, have chosen your defense counsel well."

 

This morning's paper had an article saying depression levels are at an all time low.

Um.... is that good news or bad news?

 

You know you're getting old when instead of 'tripping' you have 'a terrible fall'.

 

I was admiring a good looking woman at the mall last weekend. When she turned around I realized it was my wife.

YESSSSS!

 

We were walking past an upmarket restaurant the other evening when my wife remarked on the wonderful smell from the kitchen doorway. Being a generous Scotsman, I immediately took her back for another sniff...

 

"Last time I was in Cleveland," my buddy said, "I found it very hard to leave."

"Did you fall in love with the city?" I asked.

"No," he said. "Someone stole my car."

 

My motto is "Never Apologize. Never Explain."

I'm sorry, but I was brought up to believe that. It's just the way it is.

 

"I see people."

The Fifth Sense.

 

My buddy broke a leg while ice skating.

Luckily, it wasn't his.

 

My buddy is the kind of guy who always says what is on his mind.

But his doctor calls it "Tourette's Syndrome."

 

"Let me give you a piping hot bowl full of cold soup."

Microwave logic