One morning recently a young woman got out of bed, slipped into her robe, raised the shade, uncovered the parrot, put on the coffee pot, and then the phone rang. When she answered she heard a masculine voice say; "Hello, honey. My ship just hit port and I'm coming right over." So the young lady took the coffee pot off the stove, covered up the parrot, pulled down the shade, took off her robe, got into bed, and heard the parrot mumble, "Kee-rist, what a short (*)(*)(*)(*)ing day THAT was!"
A lady heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. When the lady came to the door the milkman asked about the note, and she explained what she wanted to do. The milkman said "Oh, I see. Do you want the milk pasteurized? And the lady says "No, I think just up to my tits will be fine."
The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, "Gooooo ... maaakkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... cofff ... eeeeeee ..."
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet: after a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win. A year later they got together. The first guy said, "My son is playing baseball, I coach a little league soccer team, I ate breakfast at McDonald's and I'm on my way in my mini van to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?" The second guy says, "(*)(*)(*)(*) you, **********."
This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?" The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?" The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt." Well the man leaves and goes to a bar across the street. While drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender told him, "You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt." So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen." The guy asks" Eileen who?
During a thunderstorm a drunk leaves a bar and takes a shortcut home through the cemetery, where he slips and falls into an open, empty grave. He tries to climb out but keeps slipping in the mud. Exhausted, he decided to simply sit and wait until someone walks by and he can yell for help. About an hour later, another guy happens to be cutting through the cemetery and he falls into the same open grave. As the drunk silently watches, the second guy tries to climb out but keeps slipping back in the mud. Finally, the drunk taps him on the shoulder and says "Forget it. You'll never get out of here." He did.
You know what Davy Crockett said to William Travis before the Mexicans stormed the Alamo? "We can't let these people over that wall, they will have it sheet rocked in about an hour"
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "But they won't let me fart."
A new Lieutenant needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw a private mopping the floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure." The Lieutenant gave him an icy stare and said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again..... Private, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "No, SIR!"
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his: "Papa fell down the well last week." "Good heavens," said the teacherher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
Three men married wives from different states. The first man married a woman from Texas. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from Ohio. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Minnesota. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right past the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him because he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him, leans over close and quietly says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer, and it's simple: nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma, while all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
One day President Obama was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river saw him fall in and, before the Secret Service agents could react, jumped in and dragged the President to shore. The President was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it." The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!" The President says "I'll take you there myself in Air Force One!" The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan's." The President says "I'll buy them for you myself." The third boy says "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in stereo with custom speakers." The President says "You don't look handicapped to me." The boy replies, "I will be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."
A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and there's a bum asking him for a toothpick. The barkeep gives him one and shuts the door. After a few moments, there's another knock at the door. The bartender opens it again to find yet another bum. Another request for a toothpick. The bartender gives the bum one and shuts the door again. Because everything in jokes like this involves sets of threes, there's a THIRD knock on the door. This time, though, the bum only wants a straw. "Why not a toothpick?" "Someone threw up on the sidewalk, but all of the good stuff is gone already!"
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A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down, sees a dead mouse in it and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
A man opened the barber shop door, pokes his head in, and asked, "Bob Peters here?" And the barber says "No, we only cut hair."
Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us elders... good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes... Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker" Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash" The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It through the Grape Nuts" Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair" Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel like Napping" ABBA - "Denture Queen" Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help from Depends"
A tractor trailer driver lost control of his rig, plowed into an empty tollbooth on the Garden State Parkway and smashed it into hundreds of pieces. While filling out the police and insurance reports for the damage he had caused, he noticed a crew of workers picking up each broken piece of the wrecked tollbooth and spreading some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than twenty minutes, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. Amazed at what he had witnessed, he asked the police officer, "What was that white stuff those men used to assemble all those pieces together?" The police officer smiled and said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
We have a new supermarket in town. It has one of those automatic water misters to keep the produce fresh and shiny. Just before the mister comes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and can smell the odor of rain. As you go past the dairy case you can hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh mowed hay. In the meat department you'll smell charcoal grilled steaks and onions. When you approach the egg case you can hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing odor of fresh baked bread and cookies. But I don't buy toilet paper there.
