Tasteless Humor

I remember when I took my son to the pub for the first time.
I bought him a pint of bitter, he didn't like it so I drank it.
I bought him a pint of lager, same thing,cider same thing.
Alcopops, again, so I bought him the full selection of spirits,he didn't like any of them so I had to finish them off
So we finally went home.
How the hell I got that pushchair home I'll never know.

 

yup....as long as I can get Young Sheldon down there I'm cool with that...

 

mate...I just popped out the office for a sec and its 35 degrees and sticky as a boxers crotch so hell might be a cooler alternative!

 

Old Timer: In my day, blowin a tranny meant you had a car problem.

 

That's 95 degrees to us Americans!

 

....do’ya know I was trying to think what it was... I remember the old Fahrenheit and yards and miles....buggered if I remember the conversions though.... jeez I’m getting old ..

 

That's average to us central Africans.

 

You misspelled that. It should read rough butt.
I'm here for you.

 

​

 

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof
So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

Enough disgusting, anti gorilla humor

Apes deserve more respect!​

 

And her mate

​

 

My dog just bit Barack Obama. He's now licking his arse to get rid of the taste.

 

If I had a dollar for every time I was racist...

Black people would rob me.

 

I bought a wool jumper but it kept giving me static electric shocks. So I took it back to the shop and they exchanged it, free of charge.

 

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the rightside... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

 

Now THAT'S an opening line.

 

Midget was the victim of a pick pocket
Makes you wonder who could stoop so low....

 

The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!

 

About 15 years ago, a boatload of declassified documents describing military encounters with UFOs, were made available online through the FOIA. I read some and was fascinated by what I saw, so I read them all - in all there were something close to 2000 documents, including a bunch less interesting documents from the FBI files - the real X-Files. But I spent many hours at the NSA site. Perhaps more than 100 hours. And I turned some other friends onto these links. Then we all started noticing that our computers had developed the same strange bug. We finally realized that anyone who visited the NSA site had the bug. A couple of years later, the NSA disclosed that they were installing cookies to track people who had accessed the NSA files.

It makes sense. We could be spies or hackers trying to access classified information. But it was a little disconcerting to know the NSA was tracking my activities.

Interestingly, they kept moving the files around and making them harder and harder to find.

PS. this is a good one. Do you have the nerve to open it?
https://www.nsa.gov/news-features/declassified-documents/ufo/assets/files/routing_slip_ufo_iran.pdf

 

Not this little black duck!

 

Don't you mean "chicken"?

How about it Liberty Monkey? Open open open... be a man!

 

Liberty Monkey, don't do it!

 

It is a mind-blowing report. Since Iran was an extension of the US military back then, we had DIA and other intelligence officers there. Two pilots, multiple tower operators, and a General were involved. And there was widespread observations by the locals in Tehran. People starting reporting a bright object hovering over the city. The military sent up two F4s to investigate and pursue the object and the story picks up from there.

I haven't had any problems with the NSA site since that time. Honestly, I wouldn't worry unless you're a Russian troll.

 

If they are watching you, now they are watching me! Oh woe, oh misery, oh anxiety and paranoia!
Ps Not a Russian troll. Did you see that NSA?