Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

Did you know Basil Brush has converted to Islam?
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And sadly you've been negligent of late. I check in here mainly for your posts and they seem few and far between. Either that or my dependency issues are acting up but you wouldn't your's are gateway jokes that lead to needs for more and stronger jokes.

I think I'll watch some Monty Python now.

 

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.

"How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman.

"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely.

"Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?"

"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."
"That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly.
"That's it."

"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum."

"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay, got a pencil?"

"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale.'"

 

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood . . .

. . . and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," shouted the bat, "because I didn't!"

 

June Sarpong has been given the role of 'Head of Creative Diversity' at the BBC.
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Or, more specifically, she's gonna see how many white men she can get rid of.

 

William Tell Overture?
There is evidence that William Tell and his family, as well as great bowmen were also avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll sadly never know: for whom the Tells bowled.

 

Sounds like a shellfish lover to me.

 

It has been noted that when high-speed internet came along, for the first time in recorded history, three generations of right-handed men suddenly and simultaneously learned to masturbate left handed.

 

Diary of a Pom in Mt Isa

For you people overseas, Mout Isa is always hot!!!!, a Pom is a person
from England!!


August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa,
Queensland!!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days
and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset
from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've
finally found my home.
I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of
palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for
me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy
though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I
expected.


October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000
leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like
Wiskettes and cat ****. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in
this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant ****in blow dryer!! And
it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC
repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody
$300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the
bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30.
Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid ****in place.


November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm
going to ****in throttle him. ****in heat! By the time I get to work
the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin ****in wet,
and I smell like baked cat!!


November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ****in arse
was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my
legs and my ****in arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse,
and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a ****in recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and ****in sunny. It's been too hot to do
anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really
warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in place? Water rationing
will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into
the ****in pool.

Even the palms can't live in this ****in heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the
airconditioner's gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse
out of jail for assulting the stupid ****er.
**** Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented ****in idiot
would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are ****in
kiddin ME

 

For some weird reason this thread does not show up for me

 

With the BBC, you are hired based on colour and disability. If you represent the majority in the UK, white and in good health, you have next to no chance being hired.

 

Racist.

Sorry, I went into lefty mode

 

Was it the sea-son for love?

 

They left out the summer rains


Yep! From hot dry semi desert to this in an hour or so

 

Don’t know if this has been posted before

 

Looks apocalyptic!

 

I hear Monica ran into Hillary at a party, they bumped into each other and a dollar fell out of Monica's pocket.

Hillary picked it up and said, "Hey, that's the second bill we've shared", and they just laughed and laughed.

 

Just your typical Aussie Barbie.

 

And shared a cigar.

I like to torture my crazy righty friend by suggesting he watch Hillary-Pelosi porn.

 

Even Liberty Monkey isn't that sick......