A Linguistics professor pontificated that some languages allow a double negative to mean a positive, but no languages use a double positive to mean a negative. Yeah, right.
I found some funny looking mushrooms but they tasted like crap. I found out later they were toad stools
Department of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir or Madam: I have a friend who farms. He recently received a check for $3,000 from the U.S. Department of Agriculture for not raising pigs. I'd like to get in on this "not raising pigs" program. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise pigs on? Which is the best breed of pig not to rear? I want to be sure I'm compliant with all government policies if I get into the not raising pigs business. Actually, I would prefer to not raise pigs that will be made into bacon, but if that is not the type of pig you don't want raised I'll gladly not raise them. Are there any advantages to not raising, say, Hampshires or Durocs, or are there already too many people not raising these? It appears that the most difficult part of this program will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't raised. Are there any government or state sponsored courses on that? My friend is very pleased and satisfied with your program. He had raised pigs for about 40 years and the most he ever cleared was $1,295 in 1988. That is, until this year, when he received a check for not raising any. So if I can get $3,000 for not raising 50 pigs, will I get $6,000 for not raising 100 pigs? I plan to start out small at first, holding to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean $240,000 the first year. As I get more skilled in not raising pigs I plan to become more ambitious and increase to, perhaps, 40,000 pigs not raised. I wonder if I might be eligible to receive carbon credits for all of the pigs I don't raise not producing harmful methane gas? Oh, and I almost forgot, the pigs I plan to not rear will not be eating 2,000 tons of cereal grain. I'm aware of the government program that pays farmers for not growing crops, so will I also qualify for payments for not growing crops to not feed to the pigs I won't be raising? I'm also considering the 'not milking cows' business, so please send any information you have on that, too. In view of the above information, and by the very nature of the government programs I wish to join, I will also be totally unemployed and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall, of course, be voting for your party in the next election. Yours faithfully, Crankshaft
My neighbor has a doctors appointment for tomorrow to have some tests run. He might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it's hard to say.
If people are so amazed by crop circles, they should see the farm near my house. Aliens have cut down all the crops, roll them into enormous cylinder shapes, and moved them to the side of the field.
There's a new car that can be stretched out to make it bigger if you have extra passengers. It's called the Honda Accordion.
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."
I found a $100 bill I forgot I had. And if I don't pay it by tomorrow the electric company is going to shut my lights off.
My buddy has come up with a new invention. "It's an automatic shaver," he explained. "You simply put your head in the box and you receive a professional shave by two extremely sharp razors." "How is that possible," I asked. "The contours of every face is different." "Yes," he said. "But only the first time."
I went on a date last weekend and the gal asked "Are you a vampire?" Puzzled, I said "No." And she said "Sooo... you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"
If it hadn't been for the Maquis, not a single American would have made it off the beach alive. To the French, GI Joe has always been Johnny Come Lately.
The Director of the National Security Agency goes into a bar. "Hey," the bartender says. "I've got a new joke for you. There was this nun........" "Heard it," the NSA Director interrupted.
My girlfriend said she wants a pocket calculator for her birthday, and I thought “How can you not know how many pockets you have?” Women. How dumb can they be?
While jogging down near the river I heard someone yelling "I can't swim! I can't swim!" and I thought "Jeez, gimme a break. I can't use chopsticks, but you dont hear me going on about it.
Knowing weed is legal in Washington and Colorado makes me feel like a kid who’s grounded and forced to listen to his friends play outside.
Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. And eyes and ears and mouth and nose. Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. A fun children's song, and also the ingredients of a hot dog.
I may be older but I still got it with the girls. Just yesterday I walked by two young girls and gave them 'the look' and they said 'get him.'
I've still got a fine looking butt. Sometimes, after flirting with some young girls at the bar, when I'm walking away I'll hear one of them whisper to the other "What an ass!"
I have a buddy who lost an eye when he was a kid. He's got a good sense of humor about it, though. Sometimes he'll end a text with .)
While eating lunch, I said to the wife "Amazing. There's an article here in the Scientific Journal that says blades of grass can actually feel pain." And she said "Nice try, but the lawnmower's in the shed."
(The Wadiyan) - An Islamic city council in the Indonesian province of Aceh, which follows Sharia, has banned female citizens from passing gas. Sayyid Yahia, mayor of the city, told media that a ban was needed, as farting does not go well with the Islamic values of modesty. “Muslim women are not allowed to fart with sound, it’s against Islamic teachings,” he said. Meanwhile, the Indonesian Feminists Association told local media they will attempt to block the smelly law as they deem it discriminatory. Talking to The Wadiyan, mayor Sayyid Yahia said the law aims to save people’s morals and behaviors. “When you see woman fart loud, she appears like a man. But if she sit sideways and pass it quietly, she looks like a woman,” Sayyid said. http://www.malaysia-today.net/mtcolumns/newscommentaries/56140-islamic-city-council-band-female-flatulence-in-indonesia
My buddy's wife just bought a Shar-Pei puppy. She's a horrible looking thing with roll after roll of fat and a big slobbery mouth. The puppy's cute though.
I'm having difficulty contacting my nephew, who's backpacking through Spain. I can find the phone number for whatever hotel he's staying at, but when I call and ask for Alister Vista they say "okay" and hang up.
