PLEASE send a joke, a laugh or a prayer

How did you do that?

 

well now , take the Uzi off auto first , ok ? lol

on a quiet Sunday , way out in the swamps of Jersey , lol , a spaceship landed.

2 Martians got out , a real big 'en and a real small 'en .

they started walking , trying to find an earthling .

they came to an old gas station , closed for the day .

the big Martian walked up to the gas pump and said 'take me to your leader'

the gas pump was silent.

the big Martian was upset , and reached out and smacked the silent gas pump , and said again ' take me to your leader.'

the small Martian said ' I think we should leave this guy alone'

that made the big Martian even more angry , and he reached out and really hammered the gas pump with a stout right cross to the head , and said 'take me to your leader earthling '

again , the small Martian said ' whew , maybe we ought to leave this guy alone'

with that , the big 'en drew a blaster and zapped the gas pump . an explosion ensued , and both Martians were blown several hundred feet in the air .

when gravity brought them back down to Earth , they were dazed and bewildered , the small 'en said to the big 'en ' I told you to leave that guy alone '

the big 'en said ' what did you see that was so bad about him ? '

the small 'en said ' he's obviously a hillbilly , and anyone that can take their tallywhacker and wrap it around their waist and then stick the head in their ear ya ought to have had better sense and left him alone'

and with that , the Martian invasion was over .

You take care of that ankle , my friend , I'm here for as many jokes as it takes to get you better .

 

My dad had 6 weeks off work once, when my Mum broke an arm. It was his right arm.

 

Sorry to hear that, AL! How long til the cast comes off?

 

Oh dear, I nearly had a coronary....whattaface......

 

I wish it came off yesterday. I see the doc this monday. We will know more then.

As for now, lay down, shut up and drink your vitamins and liquids.

 

They is very stingy with pain meds these days. Not like the good ole days, eh?????

 

I can't say for sure, Lisa, BUT something went SNAP in the dark. Maybe I fell over the dog, or maybe I fell over myself.

In any event, here I am resting comfortably at home, taking my meds, pills, orange juice, stuff for bones et al., but don't worry, be happy, everything's gonna be alright.

 

well , Lady , I thought it was a good joke .

I guess you didn't think so , it's ok .

You take it easy getting about , be careful on those crutches , and I hope that you heal up real quick and that all goes well with your recovery .

 

I would agree with this. My sister the Staff Nurse always said pain is a funny thing...it builds up and once it builds up it is very difficult to control. You have to prevent it to avoid it.

Get well soon.

 

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna (*)(*)(*)(*) around?"

Get better soon!

 

LOL , SpotsCat , I near cracked a rib laughing .

 

years ago , a buddy and I floated down the river , we came around a bend , and there was this huge log-jam ahead of us . we went into it and capsized the boat , no help for it , it just happened so fast .

anyway , we escaped with our lives , but had to swim for shore . when we got to shore , we had to take our pocket knives and cut our way through a green-briar / saw - briar thicket . .

we emerged bloody and looking like we'd been in a fight with a circle saw , if you've ever been in a saw-briar thicket , you know what I mean .

as we wearily walked to my buddys truck , a brand new Dodge Dakota 4WD truck with a suede interior , he said ' you can't ride in my new truck , as bloody as you are , you'll ruin the suede seats . '

I'll ride in the back , I said . and we walked on .

when we got to the river landing , I raised the lid on his camper cover & started to get in the bed of his truck . there was 3 rolls of barb wire , 2 chainsaws , several axes , fence posts , hammers & wire cutters. .

WTF ? I said ain't no way I'm riding back here . I'll walk first .

he said , well , if you gonna ride up front , you gonna have to do like I do .
and with that , he stripped down butt naked & washed the bloody scratches clean , and put on some dry and clean clothes he had under the seat .

I didn't have any clean & dry clothes , but I stripped down & cleaned the blood off , dried off in the sun , and got in the cab .

the only covering I had was a sock . guess where that sock was put ?

I told him if he ever told anybody I'd shoot him , and we vowed to keep the secret between ourselves . and with that , we went home . straight home .

we was on 5-off , and when we went back to work Wednesday night on the 3rd shift , we was both covered in briar scratches & mechurichrome . hard to hide that , ya know ? so , the story came out .

there was this really fine lady co-worker that dug the story out of my buddy , a 10 + , prolly a 15 , and when the sock was told , the howls of laughter was heard all over the mill , and it was a big paper mill .


she asked me " did that sock keep it warm & ready?"

I told her " Honey , that water was soo cold , I'd have had to have swallowed that sock to keep it warm , but it's always ready , if you'd like to inspect it "

and that's a true story , I submitted it to Readers Digest , in the 'humor is the best medicine ' section , in the Spring of 1990 , but they never did publish it .

So , I've published it here on PF , for your entertainment , and I hope it brings a smile to your face , and a laugh to your heart , and that your ankle is better .

 

that joke is the bestest and I gotta squirmy pet dog on my lap. soory I am late.

 

that joke is the bestest and I gotta squirmy pet dog on my lap. soory I am late.

 

I am laughing too....just so it doesn't hurt....

 

It's an oldie but a goody......

 

All the jokes were/are/going to be great.

There isn't anything like a good joke to make u laugh until you cry

cry until you laugh

laugh until your cast comes off...

(***) until the darn whole episode is

FINALLY

done with...eh???

hello, hello....

 

My ankle is healing in record speed breaking time...and I surely shall be delivered from this *hell* and the sooner the better, eh?

 

Good for you! I know it's no fun, and passing time/healing process can be incredibly boring. You just gotta hang in there.


I've been there myself.

 

Another oldie but goodie --

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of (*b(*)(*)(*)(*)es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b(*)(*)(*)(*)es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b(*)(*)(*)(*) in the kitchen."

 

I am hanging, I am hanging!!!

 

What do you give a pig with a sprained ankle?





Oinkment.

 

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vlVTbBPCtk"]Jokes for Imbeciles[/ame]

 

Cute....here piggy, piggy, sueeee, sueeeee!!!