Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

British exports will be just fine once we're out of the EU.
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We've already sent two cases of Corona to New Zealand this week.

 

Yep, that’s tasteless enough.

 

I met Willie once, he was a nice man

RIP Willie

 

An Old man attended a Faith Healing session
The preacher said "Stand up and walk"
Then the old man proceeded to stand up from his wheelchair and slowly walked. The shocked crowd yelled in praise.
The preacher asked him: "How are you feeling now?"
The old man replied: "I still can't see"

 

Healing Kiss
In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting.

The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What’s wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me, do you do hemorrhoids?"

 

A fellow Leicestrian.
How did you meet him?

 

At Willie Thorn's snooker hall which he owned.

 

We should be allowed to like again each time we re-read something.
Kudos to Sally, always coming through with the best in tasteless.

 

I like this one- had hoped it wasn’t remembered.

 

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender goes: "Oh ****, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.

The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.

The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.

One patron takes a hoof to the face. He blacks out.

He wakes up in the hospital. Groggy from painkillers, he realizes his face is covered in bandages. The doctor informs him that it's been ruined beyond repair; he'll need a full face transplant.

Weeks on a waiting list turn into months, but in time, he can finally get the transplant. The surgery is successful, but he has years of healing ahead of him.

Years pass, and he makes a full recovery. He starts resuming life: returning to work, getting back out doors, socializing.

One day, he's walking around town and happens to come across that same bar where that awful accident happened years ago, nearly killing him, derailing his life. The damage from the horse had been fixed years ago, but he can see through the window that the same bartender still works there.

He walks into the bar.

The bartender asks: "Why the wrong face?"

 

I phoned my local DIY store to ask how big the queue was.
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The nice man replied "The same size as the B."

 

Shops in Wales have been given the go ahead to open next week.
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In preparation for this, shopkeepers have been brushing up on their selective inability to speak English.

 

I met a friend today. He was sporting two black eyes.
I asked him: What happened?

He said: oh, those? You see I was at church yesterday and a lady sitting in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her arse. Being a nice and helpful guy and thinking it mustn't be all that comfortable for her I gently pulled the cloth out of her crack. Well, she was none to please it seems and she punch me on the right eye.

Me: and the other one?

Him: Well, since she seemed none to pleased I try to correct my mistake by stuffing it back...