Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

Do you need a dog to keep your sheep in line?

 

The wee brun doodah!

 

Exactly!

 

Heh, no, my ex just wanted a really expensive dog that was bred for entirely different purposes. They NEED to work. That's why I threw out my arm playing fetch with her. [we had a lot of land]

But watching an expert working dogs and sheep is quite impressive. Border Collies are extremely intelligent.

 

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.


It's used in chemical dwarfare.

 

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room...
... while his Uncle was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
Uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know!"

 

A businessman from New York city went to Dallas on business for the first time. When he got to his hotel the bellboy took him to his room and it was HUGE. Bigger than his apartment back home. He commented as such and the bellboy said "Well sir. everything in Texas is big."
After a nap on a bed the size of Shaq Oneal's he decided that for dinner he'd try one of the steak houses that Texas is famous for and got directions from the concierge. Upon arriving in his rental car the place was HUGE, so big they had golf carts shuttling guests from their cars. Needless to say the inside was just as HUGE. The wait came to his table with a hairdo every bit as big as Marge Simpson's and took his order for a steak and beer. The beer arrived first in a mug bigger than any pitcher he'd seen since everything is big in Texas. Soon the steak arrived hanging over the sides or what is best described as a turkey platter. Commenting on it the waitress just everything in Texas is big.
After drinking all that beer he needed to use the little boys room and got directions from the waitress. "Sure, it's the third door on your left down that hall." Well, he was more than a little tipsy and he entered into the third door on the right which happened to be where the swimming pool was for the attached motel and he fell in. Coming to the surface he cried out in horror "DON'T FLUSH!"
Because everything comes big in Texas.

 

Men don't like to admit this but I'm in a mood to open up. Why do we never throw away our underwear? It simple physics. Ladies, have you ever seen the system they put in men's briefs to liberate Mr Happy? Imagine trying to negotiate that, especially after a few pints at the pub when the need is urgent and the fingers a bit clumsy. But if you have worn out a few extra egresses you don't risk an accident nor having to drop your pants which could lead to an even worse predicament in a public restroom.
There you have it in a nutshell

 

Someone needs to design better mens’ underwear!

 

A dyslexic robber ran into a bank. He screamed: "Air in the hands mother stickers this is a f*ck up!"

 

Today a guy asked me if I'm superstitious. I said no, I'm just a little stitious.

 

Doctor....whats the problem? Patient....its kinda embarrassing. Doctor....but I am your Doctor. Patient.....every thing I eat turns to ****..
......Mad Magazine...

 

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.
Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

 

When people call me a bald ****.


I say it's a solar panel for the love machine.

 

Boris is at number 10... Hopefully he'll learn to count past that very soon.

No Boris fan the best thing I can say about him is at least he's not that AntiSemitie Commie Corbyn.

 

I took it hard when my girlfriend died in a car accident.

I loved that Toyota.

 

You do live in the UK right? Not much solar charging going on there mate. Better find a windmill to plug it into.

 

Yeah but who besides him calls black kids piccanninnies?

 

I did say I do not like the guy but that's he not as bad as Corbyn.

That's the standard we have here they're both *******s.

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-...clearly-labeling-political-platform-as-satire

 

John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days
As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

 

When I have a new woman over for the first time, I always ask if they'd like a drink. "Have you ever tried a Cosby?"

 

Luckily, so far, everyone has laughed.

 

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. As a plumber, I'm delighted to see all these teenagers wearing low-rider jeans.

 

Have you ever considered the implicit symbolism of plumbers showing their cracks? It might be deductible as advertising.