League of Extraordinary Rednecks

Kinda reminds me of the natural disaster that occurred up in Louisa five years ago...



Hang in there, tuna. The prayers of your redneck brethren in Virginia are with you...

 

I am in the telco business and love this joke. Here is another one:

How do you make sure that you can be found in the wilderness? Take a four foot length of fiber. If lost, bury it. A backhoe will be there in minutes to dig it up.

 

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of
you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell
us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an
enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)es."

* Thanks Mr. Wood.

 

It was a heated argument, Angry words were spoken. In my frustration I said. "I don't want to see you again for three days."

Two and a half days later the swelling went down enough, I could open one eye.

 

Went to the video store with my daughter.
"Killing Daddy" that sounds like a good one. She said.

 

Abort! abort! abort! came the urgent voice over edro's head phones as he made his final approach. But it was too late. He was committed and as his plane slammed to the ground then nosed over upside down at the end of the runway. He looked out in utter amazement at both the widest and shortest runway he'd ever seen.

 

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.


The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

 

The year is 2222 and edro and Mrs edro land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. edro asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Mrs edro brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Mrs edro. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Mrs edro and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don't think this is going to work," says Mrs edro. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, edro asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Mrs edro, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 

A young woman appeared in court on an indecency charge.

The prosecutor turned to her and said: "Is it true that on February 3 you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf and a donkey on the roof of a car while traveling through the center of town at 100 mph in a blizzard?"

The woman turned to the prosecutor and said: "What was that date again?"

 

A text from my wife.

She: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Having a beer with Jon and Abe."
She: "Do you have Chili Dog with you?"
Me: "Yes."

Long Pause

She: "Call me if you get pulled over, so I can come get Chili."

 

I got to color My Little Pony with my granddaughter yesterday.

I got pretty good at it after a while.

 

I read it on the internet.

"Go ahead and vaccinate your kids. So what if it makes them artistic. It's not like they're gay or anything."

 

Polish ace Huguś Czajkowski chalked up 33 confirmed kills in the skies over Poland and East Germany during WW II. He was hailed as a national hero, having received countless medals during his service to the Allies. Seventy years after the war he was interviewed on European radio.

Asked to describe his most harrowing and terrifying experience of the war, Czajkowski described a dog fight in which he and his fellow patriots were greatly outnumbered by the German Luftwaffe.

"At 10:00 high we saw 30 Fokkers bearing down on us. To our right another 20 Fokkers ascending from 3:00 below. Suddenly they were Fokker's upon us, coming from all directions, our planes were falling from the sky like rain. We lost many good men that day. When I finally made it back to base I found my plane was riddled with bullets from the Fokkers guns."

The interviewer broke in and interrupted the hero. "For the sake of our listeners, a Fokker is a type of German fighter plane used during the Great war."

"That's true." Said Czajkowski. "But these Fokkers was flying Messerschmitt's.

 

When the preacher man says "Ya'll put your beers down and join me in a blessing, you know it's gonna be a great wedding....

God I love Texas.

 

from the innernets.

I HATE IT WHEN I THINK I'M BUYING ORGANIC VEGETABLES
ONLY TO FIND OUT WHEN I GET HOME THAT THEY'RE JUST REGULAR DONUTS.

 

"Papi" edro asked his father one day. "What is the difference between theory and reality?"
"Son." His papi said. "Let me see if I can help you understand. First go ask your mother this question. Would you sleep with another man for a million dollars?"

edro did as his papi told him and returned to report that his mother would indeed do that.

"Now son, go ask your wife if she would do the same."

Again edro returned and reported that his wife would also sleep with another man for a million dollars.

"But Papi, I still don't understand."

"Well son you see. In theory we're both millionaires but in reality we're married to a couple of whores.

 

edro puts a dollar in a jar every time his wife has sex with him. That's what he's going to spend on her birthday...So far she's getting Chicken McNuggets.

 

Saw it on the internet...
Hey autocorrect. Quit tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift.

 

From the internet:

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's when you put her in the trunk that she freaks out.

 

Police find $100 Worth Of Walmart Groceries In Woman’s Vagina

The vagina is an elastic organ, designed to carry..well, people.

So the fact that Holly Fray was able to get some food products into hers shouldn’t be that alarming…..unless of course you consider the grocery list…

The Pittson, Pennsylvania woman is facing charges and fines after being arrested Thursday evening. Keen eyed Walmart employees couldn’t help but notice the resourceful thief shoving food up her dress and called the cops.

Officer Charles Langan said that Fray was given a full body search during which several oranges fell onto the floor between her legs.

“I thought she stuffed a bunch of things in her pants so I gave her a fast pat down, when I felt nothing and saw items begin to fall out of her pants, I knew something was up,” said Officer Langan. “A female officer was called in after Miss Fray was brought to the station, and a more thorough search was initiated.”

Officer Felicia Anne, a 10 year vet of the police force arrived to carry out the more in depth search;

“They asked me to come do a full cavity search on a recently arrested shoplifter, which is very unusual. They told me that they thought she was holding groceries in her vagina, and I literally laughed out loud. They told me about the oranges and not feeling anything during the pat down, so I took her in the back and sure enough, we found nearly $100 worth of groceries inside of her vagina. A dozen eggs, bread, milk, a few more oranges, as well as a full porterhouse and a rack of bacon were in there, plus a lot more. I was shocked.”

http://www.dailyviralstuff.com/police-find-100-worth-of-walmart-groceries-in-womans-vagina/

 

JADE HELM UPDATE.

They haven't got me yet, but I don't know how much longer we can hold out. Dogs are dead, wife is wounded, doors blown off my bunker and I'm running low on ammo.

 

I can understand that you might be frustrated with me...
But what do you have against the horse I rode in on?

 

Why is it, in order to go to bed, do I have to take eight pillows off the bed and put four more on the bed?

 

Never mind.....Mrs. Tuna just answered my question.

 

In my region of Texas it's been somewhere between 99 and a 102 degrees (Fahrenheit) or slightly over for the last three or four weeks and all during a drought. Meh . . . a not too atypical summer where I live. That is, with one exception; the humidity level has been extraordinarily low for this region whereas normally it is one of the humidity capitals of the world. The thing about dry heat is that it doesn't feel like heat to me when I am outside doing yard work and so I actually feel quite comfortable when it's around 102 degrees Fahrenheit. The wife, however, realizes that her aging husband is working beneath the sun which in turn is residing above an utterly cloudless sky.

"Wear your hat outside while working," she told me.

"Yeah, yeah, don't need it, don't want it," I replied. Not being macho as much as not caring all that much for hats when I don't feel like I actually need to wear one.

"Well at least take a bottle of water with you old man!"

"Nah! I'm not thirsty!"

So there I am working away on weeding the garden and then my nose nearly smacks the ground, I'm so woozy and -- well duh! -- dehydrated. So after thinking about it for a while I realize that my mouth is as dry as a math text. So in the house I totter and grab a plastic bottle filled with water and my hat. I say nothing about it to the wife and she says nothing about it to me, except she does say, "Don't forget to take your gloves. I don't want you to get a skin rash from pulling up weeds."

I sigh the heavy put upon sigh of a husband who knows that he's not going to win any argument in that department and then go outside with, bottle of water, hat . . . and work gloves. SIGH!