Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

Items From the Food Periodic Table

• Rh: Rhubarb - Purple element with no apparent use. Rhumored to be edible.
  • Co: Coffee - Mixes well with Hf: Half & Half, Sg: Sugar, & Ir: Irish Whiskey
  • V: Velveeta - Bland substance commonly associated with a mobile property.
  • Ds: Diet soda - Lightweight element mistakenly believed to reduce density in other elements.
  • Uuh: Unidentifiable - What elements turn into when refrigerated for more than 14 days.
  • Li: Limburger - A radioactive substance with a half-life of about a day.
  • Fr: Frankfurter - Tubular comestible, indigenous to fairs and stadiums, no recognizable nutritional value. Forms stable compounds with B: Bun, Md: Mustard, K: Ketchup, O: Onions, and R: Relish. Can also be combined with S: Sauerkraut, but beware of hazardous byproduct, excessive methane production.

... and the #1 Item From the Food Periodic Table ...

• Pr: Produce - Unstable element which always eventually changes state from solid to liquid.

 

went out on the town with the guys the other day, and ever since my heart attack they've been trying to help me eat better, so they convinced me to have some veggies with chunky blue cheese dressing, instead of my fav bacon cheeseburger deluxe
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turns out it was a 20 dollar ho with a yeast infection...

 

My colon is bleeding just thinking about it....

 

Berlin is the testicle of the West. When I want the West to scream, I squeeze on Berlin.

• Nikita Khrushchev, First Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, Aug. 24, 1963, speech in Yugoslavia

Well!

 

Looks like a Republican Log Cabinite in the Twin Cities Pride fest shown on local tv in Minneapolis.

 

When I read we could now donate sperm and earn money by post, I came in a jiffy.

 

I haven't really noticed any women footballers spitting on the pitch.


I presume they all swallow.

 

I've got no problems with genetically modified food! I've just had a lovely leg of salmon.

 

I’m sure my best friend is having an affair with my wife.
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He seems so miserable lately.

 

It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days.

One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.

 

I asked my dwarf mate what he thought about Jimmy Carrs' joke. He said '' I'm not happy''..........

 

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane...
... when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the

agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to defecate all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

 

A bear and a Rabbit are taking a dump in the woods when the bear stops a second to ask the Rabbit.

" Pardon me, but do you have issues with shlt sticking to your fur?"

"Why no", says the rabbit with a grin.


The bear wiped his a$$ with the rabbit.

 

So I've been working with a cute young engineer for about six months now. We have fantastic chemistry and have fun working together. We've talked and she is a bit enamored with my lifestyle. She gets it. This has all resulted in some serious sexual chemistry. I would love to rip her clothes off with my teeth and have my way with her. But she's married and we work together. So it ain't going to happen.

That said, another employee was making inappropriate jokes about her - implying an orgy where we all have sex with her. This was highly inappropriate. So Monday I'm going to their HR department and filing a complaint - his crude sex jokes are seriously impeding my sexual fantasies.

 

Lost my job as a BBC interviewer and researcher after setting up outside the local sperm bank and asking all the clients
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"Do you come here often?"

 

Met a crazy leftie in the pub last night who after chatting for an hour called me a white supremacist because I told them my 3 favorite comedians were Norm MacDonald, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. They were just looking how to pull the race card on me lol.

They thought they were all white guys

 

From Jim Henson's funeral



**** you I'm cutting onions right now that's all

 

I'm shocked by Jimmy Carr's dwarf joke.
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How could he stoop so low?

 

A study claims the filthiest location in a typical home isn't the kitchen floor, the bin, or even the toilet seat.
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It's actually your browser history.

 

As I lay in bed after sex I said, "Am I a terrible husband? A terrible father?"
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"Both, " replied my daughter.

 

The final leg of the Tory leadership race will be sponsored by Stella Artois.

 

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.
They had been silent for a while when the lass said,
"A penny for ye thoughts Angus."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well Mary, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him,
"What are ye thinkin' now Angus?"
To which the lad replied:
"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

 

Two guys are walking down the street and a very old lady approaches them, rips open her shirt and says: SUPER SEX! She then continues walking in the opposite direction. One guy asks the other: "Wat she say? His fries told him "super sex". Oh, says the guy, I'll have the soup.

 

Oye

 

My friend lives in Sterling and I've spent a lot of time in Scotland in the last 18 months and I can confirm

That every single Scottish person acts like this