Tasteless Humor II The Second One.

hahaha, that reminds me of this 'old man' whom us kids called 'grandpa crowbar' (for reasons i won't go into at this time), he had an old chevy van & one winter he comes out, jgets in the van, starts 'er up, puts 'er in gear and hits the gas, a few minutes later the right turn signal comes on, then brake lights, he looks both ways and then proceeds to hit the gas again, few more minutes and the left turn signal comes on, brake lights, looks both ways & hits the gas again... this went on for over an hour and us kids were laughin our arses off, ya see the rear tire was on a patch of ice and the van never moved but he thought he was driving, lol... true story

 

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

 

I heard recently that on average, her Majesty the Queen receives two turds in the post each week.

What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

 

Just for the record, "possession" does not require ownership. Read a story one time of a cop who asked a trick question in a traffic stop, "Is that marijuana/cocaine/whatever yours?" The unwitting driver said, "Ah, no, that's my brother's." What the cop had done was establish that the driver knew the marijuana/cocaine/whatever was in his possession, which was all that was necessary to get a conviction. The ownership was immaterial.

 

It reminds me when I umped Alleged Adults softball. When a player had crossed the line and I've already issued warnings I would offer them one last chance to gain and demonstrate control of themselves. Me "I've had enough of this. You know you can't keep yelling that stuff but I'll give you one last chance. If I hear another word from you I'll eject you. Do I make myself clear?" The smart player realizes what I've done and knows they're in the wrong and simply nods and walks away and plays on. The dumb player responds verbally and then gets to leave the park at my insistence.

 

Why do I refer to softball players as Alleged Adults? I have many, many examples, I umped 20 years and officiated well over 3000 games. One of my all time favorites. I'm in the tower at the state championships awaiting my final set. I was watching a semi-final game that was in it's late innings with a close score. There was a sliding play at the plate and the ump hesitated in the cloud of dust until he saw the ball on the ground and then yelled and indicated "SAFE". The stupid runner for whatever reasons thinks he's been called out and get's up and uses a rather unflattering word to describe the umpire based on his skin tone and then took a swipe at him. The umpire popped him once reflexively and put him on the ground. The team poured out onto the field to defend their fallen comrade and the ump just started dancing around swinging at air to keep the players away without hurting them until the police quickly restored order. Game over. The team lost a player to jail and the game forfeited and not going to the state championship game. The one knocked out and going to jail also learned not to call an umpire ****** and take a swing at him, especially an umpire recently retired after 20 years as a marine staff Sargent.

 

OK, one more then I'll quit. I'm watching the semi-final of the city championship on the protest committee. An umpire blew a call on the field and it was a protestable error. Rather than protest and get the call overturned the team poured out and had the ump pinned against the backstop. While the police restored order one very memorable moment occurred.
Lady Cop: "Put down the bat!"
Alleged Adult: "Make me!"
She did.

 

https://twitter.com/Razorsmack1/status/1139591557022146560

 

You can tell an ants gender by putting it in water.. If it sinks=girl ant. If it floats = buoyant.

 

Haha

 

I've just swilled Jo Brand in the face with Sulphuric Acid.


Doesn't seem to have done anything.

 

A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

 

Handy tip. Plant a cotton-bud upright in the sand at the bottom of the fish tank so your goldfish can wipe it's ass.

 

Need some advice. The other day I was having a wank whilst watching CSI when my mobile phone rang. It was my mate Dave, but I was already in the vinegar strokes, and I just managed to say hello when I went off. Does this mean I might be gay?

 

There's something very very nasty going wrong with my private parts but I'm not going to the GP with it. That's because my doctor is a lady, and she will no doubt be thinking of knitting patterns, shoes or recipes to give me a proper diagnosis.

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska state troopers.

"We’re sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What’s the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?"

The trooper said, "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.

 

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon

 

Ear Muffs Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." "Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager said. The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"

 

Disney didn't think that it was possible to destroy the Star Wars franchise - but somebody ROSE to the challenge...

 

wanted to do a speech about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me

 

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask