Tasteless Humor

My sb sent me a text message yesterday saying she had a sex dream about me. Today she went on to explain a little about what it involved.

Has anyone ever framed a text message before?

I told her I've been trying to respond between cold showers but haven't had a lot of time.

 

It is a little known fact but absolutely true, that when the internet came along, men had to learn to masturbate left-handed [or visa-versa for natural lefties].

Can the women here guess why?

 

Lesbian contracting company is building a mansion in my neighborhood,
a halfway house for girls,
for girls that don't go all the way.

Anyway it is a construction marvel, not one stud in the place, the whole thing is tongue and groove.

 

What do you call a man who doesn't wear underwear ....?



-- A swinger.

 

Watching trump is like watching a giant asteroid shaped like a penis coming towards the earth - we know we're all going to die but you still have to laugh.
- Trevor Noah

 

Bruce the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the woman said "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."

 

I had to figure it out but I get it!

 

Why wasn't Jesus born in Alabama?

God couldn't find three wise men or a virgin!

 

Just to be balanced.
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While going through the locker one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie suddenly appears. The genie tells them that he only grants one wish. The lamp finder blurts out: "Turn the entire ocean into Fosters!" The genie claps his hands and immediately the sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances. The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

 

Three nuns die in a car crash. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them and says, "Welcome, sisters! We normally give a little pop quiz on religion to all who seek admission here, but you have led such saintly lives that I know that won't be necessary, so we are waiving the requirement in your case."

Sister Agnes, the leader, says, "Thank you St. Peter, but we aren't special. So please treat us just like everyone else."

St. Peter says, "Well, okay, I feel silly asking, but ... to you first, Sister Agnes, who was the first man on Earth?"

[Agnes] "Oh, that's easy. that would be 'Adam.' "

[Peter] "Of course you're right, please step through the gates. And to you, Sister Jean, who was the first woman on Earth?"

[Jean] "That would have been 'Eve.' "

[Peter] "You're right, of course. Please step through. Sorry to burden you all with such questions. And to you, finally, Sister Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden of Eden?"

[Mary, frowning, looking perplexed and anxious]: "Wow, now THAT's a hard one!"

[Peter] "Of course you are right, Sister, you may enter."

 

Either that, or learn to type with your left!

 

Or mouse ["mouse" being a verb of course ]

Porn induced erectile dysfunction started appearing in young men when the internet came along - too much stimulation online and they started losing their mojo. When high speed internet came along, doctors started seeing it in older men.

Interesting fact: A man can see more hot babes online in a matter of minutes, than our ancestors saw in a lifetime.

 

Kim Jong Un and Trump negotiating in Singapore, what could possibly go wrong?!?!

There is a threat of N and S Korea unifying, which terrifies China. They love Korea so much that they want two of them!

- Thomas Friedman

 

An Ukrainian migrant to Australia wanted to become a cabbie so he had to go for an eye test for his drivers licence. He was shown a card with the text CWNSCZYZQOCTAZS. He looked at it with wide open eyes, looking very surprised. The examiner said impatiently; well? And the Ukrainer answered; I know that bloke...

 

News Headlines for Dyslexics....
United States and North Korea meeting to discuss unclear disarmament

 

Why can religious software engineers do just about whatever they want?

They only recognize 2 ,or as laymen say, 10 commandments.

 

Binary clever!

 

Oh, that's terrible. Thanking people for prayers and best wishes. Impeach 45!!!!

 

Managed to hang my washing out today. Feeling pleased.

 

He spelled his wife's name wrong.

 

You're taking cheap shots. As usual. It'd be nice if you posted your transparent political points elsewhere. It's a big forum.

 

Do I need to get you a tissue?

Do you have a safe space in which to take refuge?

How can I be taking a cheap shot when I didn't say a word?!?! LOL! All I did was post his tweet directly. And you consider that a cheap shot. Now stop and think about that real hard.

 

ermm...what exactly is Melanie(a) feeling and doing? Anyway, thank god Rumpt doesn't have to pay for it since she's doing it in the White House..... d'ya think they've got a tie hung on the door of the Oval Office?
I hope Kelly-Anne's not too jealous as I thought she was the only one with carpet privileges in the Oval Office...who knows...

 

He just did a typo on his phone/keyboard that everyone on the planet has done and does.