Monkey Pox in the US 460 cases of Monkey Pox have been detected in the US. https://www.cdc.gov/poxvirus/monkeypox/response/2022/us-map.html All monkeys are strongly advised to get their vaccinations. This is no time for monkeying around.
Police confirm they have now found missing 76-year old Mr. Trump in a swamp at the rear of the Manhattan Chase bank on Wall Street
Human Heads Stolen from Truck Twenty-four human heads were stolen from a truck this morning. Police became especially concerned when they discovered it was a McDonald's truck.
4th of July Returns a Raging Success! With only 56 injured and 6 dead in mass shootings today, it was a great 4th in America!
Amid Great Expectations,The Galaxy S23 M-Ultra was Released Today The S23 M-Ultra is the first mobile device to include a miniature microwave oven. Just hold the phone over the food or beverage desired and hit the M icon to start the microwave function. The phone will take an image of the food or beverage, identify the best settings, and start the microwave emitter. Users are warned to be sure the process is complete. Do not put the mobile device back in your pocket until the process complete indicator lights up. To do so can result in severe injuries.
Critical Race Theory Banned from Indianapolis Motor Speedway When it was revealed that CRT is being taught to the drivers at Indianapolis, objections from the fans led to the subject being banned. Owners and drivers have explained that that this applies to the theory of racing automobiles but the fans still want it banned as racist.
Steve Bannon to Testify before the Jan 6th Committee It appears that Steve Bannon will testify if trump releases him from claims of executive privilege. In order to make him feel at home, the committee plans to provide Bannon with booze, heroin, and hookers.
Covid Shot a Military MAGA Filter In a secret operation disclosed by DARPA today, it was announced that the Covid vaccine is being used to filter trump supporters out of the military. As one spokesman stated, "You can threaten them with everything from rank reduction to civil war, and nothing phases them. But threaten them with a 5 cc shot and they run like scared little girls!" At that point the spokesman began laughing so hard that he fell off his chair. No further comments were made.
Trump's Jan 6th text messages lost by Secret Service The spokesman for the Secret Service under trump, Vyacheslav Menzhinsky, explained the situation. "I have consulted with my subordinates, Genrikh Yagoda, Viktor Abakumov, and Sergei Kruglov. and they assured me there is nothing mysterious. "The messages, they just went poof", he explained.
The West Coast Secedes from the US The moment the documents were signed declaring the West Coast to be a free nation, birds began to sing all over California, Oregon, and Washington. Forest fires stopped burning. In areas hit by a long, severe drought, it began to rain. Rainbows were seen all over the West Coast. There were even reports of flying unicorns. One spokesman in Texas for the old US scoffed at the new nation, claiming the West Coast is full of crazy people. But it has been so hot in Texas that he then burst into flames due to his overly-excited state.
As Temperatures Soar in Texas, Streets are Disappering With temperatures reaching 110 degrees F and above, streets in Texas are turning back to oil and running back into the ground. "We are trying to pump it back out as fast as we can" explained Tex Arkana, spokesman for the oil industry. "But we will have to wait for the fall before the streets turn back to a solid", he continued.
Secret Service Lost ALL Text Messages for Jan 5th and Jan 6th. When asked to account for this shocking failure of duty, the spokesman for the Secret Service under trump, Vyacheslav Menzhinsky started screaming that it was all Obama's fault.
In Arkansas, Republican Experts Gather to Discuss Climate Change Polling shows that most of them finished high school. But many were home schooled and believe Jesus walked with the dinosaurs. When challenged to present evidence for this, they claim to have seen videos of Jesus with dinosaurs.
Not exactly barefoot weather. Only getting up to 35 here today, tomorrow, well, everyday for the next two weeks. Supposed to drop as low as 19 at night. Hard to find a taximoto when it's that cold. Rainy season starts in a little over three weeks and then it'll get HOT. The mercy is that when the rains come in the afternoon the temp plummets.
Biden Tests Positive for Covid! President Biden tested positive for Covid today. When informed of this, Biden responded "How can that be? I haven't even had sex with Jill for 20 years, much less an intern!"
