Tasteless Humor

My girlfriend just said “ I bet you can’t go a day without mentioning my Period”
I said ok “You’re on”

 

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

 

I walked past a playground yesterday, so I stopped and watched the children playing happily. A women came up to me and said, ain't they lovely, which ones yours.
Should of seen her face when I I replied "I haven't made my mind up yet"

 

A black guy pulled a knife on me last night. I said, "Typical, conforming to a stereotype."
He said, "Get the **** out of my house!"

 

Some girl I know posted on Facebook; "My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!xxx"
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Bloody hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh.

 

My missus threatened to leave me today because, apparently I'm a smart arse. She said: ''We're at a crossroads in our relationship: one way is love and trust, the other is a break-up.''
I said, ''I think you'll find that's a T-junction.''

 

I did a few gags for the Osteoporosis Society the other day!...
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I had the audience cracking up in no time!!

 

I heard that one from my Mum who has Osteoporosis and she heard it at the hospital from a fellow sufferer.

 

When I see a Maths problem, it looks like this: If I have 10 marbles and you have 11 cats, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?

 

Depends on how good the tosser is.

 

A man is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There\'s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he is doing alright. But after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to look more and more attractive -- soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. The man began to get very frustrated.

One day the man sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finally she is wakes up and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

 

Now that is wrong

 

If John has 50 candy bars, and he eats 45, what does he have?
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DIABETES.

 

If John has 50 candy bars and Mustafa asks for 10, how many candy bars does John have?
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50

 

This bloke has a few...issues.

 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship,feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy bastards!

 

The most remarkable thing about the Salisbury attack is that the 2 Russian hitmen relied on the Sunday rail service to get them from Waterloo to Salisbury and then back in to Heathrow in one day! No sane brit would have tried such an outlandish gamble.

 

Scotland 0 Belgium 4. The scoreline could have been worse but the Belgium team coach didn't arrive until the 72nd minute due to heavy traffic in Glasgow.

 

I watch way too much porn....... I just spat on the toaster before I put the bread in

 

Can't wait for them to legalise all drugs so Kellogs can finally release

Smack, Crack & Pot breakfast cereal.

 

I find him funny as hell lol

 

Three cardinals have the same nightmare one night and agree to wake up the Pope and tell him: the nightmare is that "unless your Holiness has sex with a woman, the Catholic Church will cease to exist!"

The Pope prays a moment and announces to the sweating cardinals in a grave tone:

"To s-a-a-ave the Church, I will-a do it. But only onna three conditions. First, she must-a be blind , so that she cannot a-see me!
Second, she must-a be mute, so that she can n-e-e-e-ver speak about-a me."

The cardinals confer and assure the Pope that these conditions can be arranged.

"And-a third condition is, she must-a have ...a bigga tits!"