Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Moi621, Feb 21, 2019.
Uranus Ejected a Giant Plasma Bubble During Voyager 2’s Visit
Uranus’s global magnetic field may help it avoid a Mars-like fate. But as Voyager 2 discovered, that protection doesn’t stop it from discharging gassy cannonballs into space.
For the less scientifically inclined: Uranus farted.
Str8 outta da TP yo.
The man stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife.
“From now on you need to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law”.
” You will prepare me a gourmet meal every night and when I am done eating my meal you will serve me a scrumptious dessert”.
“After dinner you are going to go upstairs and we will have the kind of sex that I want”.
“Afterwards you will draw me a bath so I can relax and you will gently wash my body, towel me dry and bring me my robe”.
“Then you will massage my feet and hands as I drift off to sleep”.
“Then tomorrow guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair”?
The wife replied. “The Funeral Director, would be my first guess”.
An Albanian doctor wanted to get off work and go golfing, so he approached his young assistant.
“Seamus, I am going golfing tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Seamus.
The doctor went golfing and returned the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” asked the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir.” said Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asked the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered.
Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything and lied down on the table and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Good Lord, Seamus, what did you do?!” asked the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.”
The average age of people living in our retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbour turned 100 and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.
The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
A man came into the clinic to have an MRI. He was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The man remarked, “How long was I in there for?”
In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
Donald J. Trump
Because the “Ratings” of my News Conferences etc. are so high, “Bachelor finale, Monday Night Football type numbers” according to the @nytimes, the Lamestream Media is going CRAZY. “Trump is reaching too many people, we must stop him.” said one lunatic. See you at 5:00 P.M.!
4:06 AM - Mar 30, 2020
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Someone being funny?
I wandered lonely as a cloud,
Mostly in the hallway...but a bit around the kitchen.
When all at once I spied a crowd.
And promptly shat myself.
Hillary, you’re very brave or foolhardy!
Hillary Clinton under fire for joke about US leading in virus cases: Trump 'did promise America First'
Prince Charles is recovering from civid-19 infection. The doctors say it's like he has a 15 years' old body.
Buckingham palace promptly denied any connection between the Prince and Jeffrey Epstein.
Separate names with a comma.