Tasteless Humor

And look at his signature! Wow

 

A Northern Territory farm hand gets on the radio to the farmer.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303Rifle behind the seat. Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back;



'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'. 'Now what's the problem?' raged the farmer.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

'... You there Boss?'

 

Would you cheat on your wife?

On whom else would I be cheating?!

 

Husband?

 

I think it comes up a little bit short.

 

What's the difference between a woman and a elephant ? Ans: A elephant never forgets. A womwn never let's you forget.

 

I was driving down the road and went past this farm and seen a pig with 3 legs and a crutch. It startled me so I pulled over and went up to the front door and of this house and knocked. This giant of a man in over-all's opened the door and asked "Can I help you"

"Sir, I see you have a 3 legged pig with a crutch and wondered what happened to his leg"

"Well a couple years ago my barn caught on fire and that pig went up and pulled the rope to open the door and let the animals out. He saved all my live stock"

"That don't explain why that pig has a crutch." I replied.

"Well last year that pig came out to the field I was working and was squealing it's head off and it grabbed my pants and kept pulling me to the well. I looked down and my daughter had fallen in. Mister that pig saved my daughters life."

"That still don't explain how that pig lost his leg" I answered.

That farmer looked me square in the eye and replied " After all that pig done for us we couldn't eat him all at one time"

 

The most politically correct joke ever!
In today's day and age you can't poke fun at a particular ethnicity or minority, so here we deal with all of them!
An Aboriginal, a Pom, an overweight Yank, a NZ Maori, a Kiwi, a Tasmanian disabled person, an elderly person from Latvia, a Swedish blonde, a German, an Italian, a drunk Irishman, a Pole, a Greek, an Indian, a Canadian politician, an Afro-American, a Mexican, a Dutchman, an arrogant Frenchman, a Brazillian, an Ethiopian, a Turk, a Jap, a Chinaman, a Russian, an Indonesian, a Malaysian, a Cambodian, a Birmese and a Vietnamese all went together to an upmarket nightclub.
The bouncer said, sorry guys, I can't let you in without a Thai.

 

So solly
Jap is NOT PC

 

Have you tried that new club Punjabi

 

Don't get it. Can you explain?

 

Which ones were female and who was gay???
Actually, quite amusing.

 

They were all going out to a night club but couldn't get in because they didn't have a Thai. So bouncer said have you tried that club down the street PUN -JABI. (Is this tread not about PUN's ?)

 

That went straight over my head. I'm not as quick as I used to be, thank you.

 

You are punderful. LOL

 

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of builders.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Bunnings deliver the ****ing bricks on time.'

 

Christmas DICKS?

https://twitter.com/DanielleMAmato/status/944414679656382465

 

How to make your own ribbed dildo. I would hang them by the missilehole

 

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.

When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.

When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,

The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter,

SLIM & TALL, 40 D BUST, 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS!

When she walks into a room, people say, 'JESUS!'

 

This has me laughing out loud and chuckling for several minutes.
Great Find!
Thank you.

​

 

Two

Two Irish Catholic priests, who toured the country giving lectures on their faith, were sitting in a pub and drinking a pint.

"Tell me Shamus do you really believe there is life after death?" asked Sean.

" I don't know Sean, but, we should make a pact that if possible when one of us dies to come back and let the other know" replied Shamus.

A few years passed and one day Sean passed away. Shamus was sitting in his study and really distraught over the loss of his friend. Then Shamus heard a voice and it was Sean's. "Shamus", it cried out. "

"Is that you Sean?. replied Shamus.

"Yes Shamus it is I, Sean. I have returned as I Promised. I have some good news and some bad news.

"Tell me Sean" begged Shamus.

"The good news Shamus is that there is a Heaven"

"That is wonderful Sean, and the bad news is?

" The bad news Shamus is that you are the guest lecturer tomorrow.

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE PISSED:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE PISSED:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

5. Phenomina

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have terminal cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into
the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well. I have terminal cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a
champagne.'
After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less sombre.
There were some laughs and more champagnes.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends,
who were curious as to what the two were celebrating The woman told
her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed
with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered, 'Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you
just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

 

Q: What has 23 feet, 21 hands, 9 teeth and sits in a box humming "Rocky Top"?










A: A Tennessee jury.